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<p>ALSO BY SHIMI KANG, M.D.</p><p>The Dolphin Parent: A Guide to Raising Healthy,</p><p>Happy, and Self-Motivated Kids</p><p>also published as</p><p>The Self-Motivated Kid: How to Raise Happy,</p><p>Healthy Children Who Know What They Want</p><p>and Go After It (Without Being Told)</p><p>and</p><p>The Dolphin Way: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Healthy,</p><p>Happy, and Motivated Kids—Without Turning into a Tiger</p><p>VIKING</p><p>an imprint of Penguin Canada, a division of Penguin Random House Canada Limited</p><p>Canada • USA • UK • Ireland • Australia • New Zealand • India • South Africa • China</p><p>First published 2020</p><p>Copyright © 2020 by Shimi Kang</p><p>All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this</p><p>publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any</p><p>form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the</p><p>prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.</p><p>www.penguinrandomhouse.ca</p><p>LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING IN PUBLICATION</p><p>Title: The tech solution : creating healthy habits for kids growing up in a digital world / Shimi Kang.</p><p>Names: Kang, Shimi K., author.</p><p>Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20200180401 | Canadiana (ebook) 2020018041X | ISBN</p><p>9780735239548 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780735239555 (HTML)</p><p>Subjects: LCSH: Technology and children. | LCSH: Technology and youth. | LCSH: Internet and</p><p>children. | LCSH: Internet and youth. | LCSH: Computers and children. | LCSH: Child rearing.</p><p>Classification: LCC HQ784.T37 K36 2020 | DDC 649/.1—dc23</p><p>Book design by Leah Springate</p><p>Cover design by Leah Springate</p><p>Cover images: (brain) lvcandy, (squares) mrsopossum, both Getty Images; (squares) Ikrill /</p><p>Shutterstock</p><p>a_prh_5.5.0_c0_r0</p><p>http://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/</p><p>To my loving parents, Gian Kaur and Malkiat Singh Kang.</p><p>Thank you for guiding me towards the values of oneness,</p><p>contribution, and Chardikala. May all parents</p><p>nurture these truths in children forever.</p><p>KNOW THYSELF. LOVE THYSELF.</p><p>CONTENTS</p><p>Introduction</p><p>1 DISRUPTION: How Technology Is Affecting Your Child’s Brain and</p><p>Behaviour</p><p>2 PATHWAYS: The Power of Habits in Helping Your Child Reach Their</p><p>Full Potential</p><p>Solutions</p><p>3 HOOKED: Dopamine and How to Manage Technology’s Addictive</p><p>Power</p><p>Solutions</p><p>4 STRESSED: Cortisol and Moving Your Child from Survival Mode to</p><p>Growth Mode</p><p>Solutions</p><p>5 WIRED FOR HEALTH: Endorphins and Finding Balance in an Unbalanced</p><p>World</p><p>Solutions</p><p>6 WIRED TO CONNECT: Oxytocin and How Tech Can Help Kids Build</p><p>Community as Never Before</p><p>Solutions</p><p>7 WIRED TO CREATE: Serotonin and How to Help Your Child Own Their</p><p>Future</p><p>Solutions</p><p>8 INTUITION: Guiding Your Family to a Healthy Tech Diet</p><p>The Tech Solution: A Six-Week, Six-Step Plan</p><p>9 A WHOLE NEW WORLD: The Next Step in Human Evolution</p><p>Refrigerator Sheet</p><p>Works Cited</p><p>Acknowledgments</p><p>INTRODUCTION</p><p>WHETHER I’M IN VANCOUVER, Shanghai, Auckland, or New York, I always</p><p>hear the same questions: How much screen time is okay? How can I limit</p><p>the amount of technology my son is consuming? Are video games good or</p><p>bad for kids? Should I give my nine-year-old an iPhone?</p><p>In fact, I imagine that’s why you picked up this book: intuitively, you</p><p>may feel that digital technology has an effect on your child’s behaviour and</p><p>moods. Your gut is probably signalling that something isn’t right—and for</p><p>good reason. The warning signs are loud and clear. The more your son plays</p><p>video games, for example, the more distracted, withdrawn, and irritable he</p><p>seems to become. The constant exposure to her friends’ portrayals of their</p><p>lives on social media seems to be leaving your teenage daughter feeling</p><p>down. Your fifteen-year-old’s phone is constantly vibrating from</p><p>notifications and alerts, but he never seems to have any friends over to the</p><p>house.</p><p>Despite that, you’ve seen headlines assuring you that there’s nothing to</p><p>worry about: “Screen Time May Be No Worse for Kids Than Eating</p><p>Potatoes” (Forbes), or “Kids Whose Parents Limited Screen Time Do</p><p>Worse in College” (Inc.), or “Children’s Social Media Use Has ‘Trivial’</p><p>Effect on Happiness” (The Guardian).</p><p>These are just some of the conflicting messages about the impact of</p><p>technology on our children. It turns out that some of the doubt and</p><p>confusion is being sown by the same people selling our kids their gadgets</p><p>and getting them hooked on their platforms and apps. Recently, a co-</p><p>panellist speaking alongside me at a university conference argued that fears</p><p>over tech’s negative impact on children were being massively overblown.</p><p>Her research, it turned out, was funded in part by a global wireless giant.</p><p>And when word leaked, a few years ago, that Facebook was considering</p><p>allowing kids under thirteen onto the network, the directors of</p><p>ConnectSafely praised the move. Later, it emerged that the group was</p><p>funded by none other than, you guessed it, Facebook.</p><p>And then there are the fearmongering headlines that send a very different</p><p>message: “Screen Time Is Making Kids Moody, Crazy and Lazy”</p><p>(Psychology Today), “A Dark Consensus About Screens and Kids Begins to</p><p>Emerge in Silicon Valley” (The New York Times), “Kid’s Eyesight Ruined</p><p>After Parents Let Her Play on iPhone for a Year” (New York Post). The</p><p>contradictory—and often extreme—messaging out there is enough to make</p><p>anyone’s head spin. No wonder parents are feeling confused!</p><p>But the effects of technology on childhood and adolescent development</p><p>aren’t simply “good” or “bad”; the reality is more nuanced than that. Tech</p><p>can be extremely harmful to children and teens when it’s used in the wrong</p><p>ways, and incredibly useful if used in the right ways.</p><p>As a Harvard-trained psychiatrist with a specialty in youth addictions,</p><p>I’ve spent the last twenty years poring over the research on health,</p><p>happiness, and motivation in children. In the last decade I’ve added to that</p><p>focus the impact of screens on the developing mind. And I can assure you</p><p>that, on the one hand, the science couldn’t be clearer. The data on</p><p>Generation Z—those born between 1995 and 2012—is chilling. They’re</p><p>less confident. They’re less likely to take risks, to learn to drive, to stand up</p><p>to a bully. Rates of depression and suicide among them have skyrocketed in</p><p>the last decade, almost perfectly tracking the smartphone’s rise. Anxiety</p><p>and loneliness have hit crisis levels. Indeed, the World Health Organization</p><p>is predicting that the number one health epidemic facing this generation will</p><p>be loneliness. Loneliness! And given the sharp declines in youth mental</p><p>health, the American Academy of Pediatrics is now calling for universal</p><p>mental health screening at the age of twelve. So my diagnosis is one of</p><p>urgency: we’re raising a generation on the brink of the worst mental health</p><p>crisis in recorded history.</p><p>Yet, if tech was all bad, you wouldn’t see a group of committed kids</p><p>launch the biggest environmental protests in history, as they did in</p><p>September 2019 with the global climate strikes. You wouldn’t see a group</p><p>of Florida teens, survivors of a school shooting, organizing a national</p><p>school walkout day to protest lax gun laws, as the students from Marjory</p><p>Stoneman Douglas High School did in 2018. Without social media it</p><p>wouldn’t have been possible for podcaster Jay Shetty, comedian Lilly</p><p>Singh, or artist Rupi Kaur to emerge, whole cloth, from social media. As</p><p>your children begin to learn about podcasting, vlogging, and social media,</p><p>they’re acquiring the skills and the motivation to find their true voice, refine</p><p>it, and broadcast it to the world.</p><p>The problem is, we don’t have much time to figure out how our kids can</p><p>safely interact with technology. Brain development suddenly accelerates</p><p>during adolescence—at precisely the same time that screen immersion does.</p><p>At that point, the frontal lobe, known as the brain’s “control centre,” hasn’t</p><p>fully matured. It’s the part of the brain that asks us, Is this really a good</p><p>idea? What are the long-term consequences? Meanwhile, young brains are</p><p>wired and rewarded for risk taking, novelty seeking, peer admiration,</p><p>at all.</p><p>For children aged two to five, screen time should be limited to less than</p><p>one hour per day. But remember, it’s best to delay tech time as long as</p><p>possible, so if you can avoid it at this stage, that’s still best.</p><p>For all other age groups, schedule purposeful tech use around life activities</p><p>instead of scheduling life around tech. This will set kids up to prioritize</p><p>real-life activities as they get older and to understand the role tech should</p><p>play in their day-to-day lives:</p><p>1. Take a sheet of lined paper.</p><p>2. Block off twenty-four lines. These will represent the twenty-four hours</p><p>in a day.</p><p>3. Block off the hours needed for sleep, hygiene, eating, chores, exercise,</p><p>relationships, school, homework (may require tech), and non-tech play.</p><p>You may also need time for other important activities your family may</p><p>value, such as going to church/temple, service work, and caring for</p><p>pets.</p><p>4. The time left over can be part of their tech time, but it doesn’t have to</p><p>be.</p><p>Tech Time Shouldn’t Be Alone Time</p><p>To build positive, lasting tech-use habits for the future, encourage your kids</p><p>to spend their tech time in the living room or kitchen, not their bedrooms.</p><p>Take a collaborative, curious, and connecting approach to learning about</p><p>tech use and misuse. What I mean is that you should try to learn more about</p><p>your kids through their tech use and use it in turn to teach important life</p><p>lessons. Try to identify their interests, passions, and concerns, and talk with</p><p>each other about any issues or problems that might come up.</p><p>Here are a few tips:</p><p>Be present and engaged when screens are in use. Whenever possible,</p><p>co-view with children.</p><p>Have conversations! Ask questions about your kids’ favourite games,</p><p>shows, apps, and characters. Discuss ideas and issues they learn about</p><p>through a TV show or a game. This is an opportunity for bonding,</p><p>learning from your child, and teaching your child.</p><p>Help kids recognize and question stereotyping, advertising messages,</p><p>and other problematic content. Ask them what they think of such</p><p>issues.</p><p>Set the Expectation of Limits, Independence, and Fun</p><p>Just as you can’t be with your child 24/7, nor should you obsess over their</p><p>technology use. It is best to get into the habit of checking in, asking</p><p>questions, and monitoring their use. When done early in life, your child will</p><p>understand that this is part of your role as a parent and there’ll be less</p><p>resistance later. You can also lay the groundwork for conveying your</p><p>expectation and trust that they’ll start making healthy choices:</p><p>Encourage independent analysis and decision making when possible.</p><p>For example, if your child wants to watch a movie or buy a new video</p><p>game, have them check the ratings and explain why it’s a good choice</p><p>for them. If they can’t read yet, have them verbally explain or draw a</p><p>picture.</p><p>If your child wants more time online, ask them how they plan to</p><p>manage their time and self-regulate their use.</p><p>Check in by asking your child to print out and report their browser</p><p>history, then discuss what they’re seeing.</p><p>Discuss content and prioritize educational, age-appropriate, high-</p><p>quality, interactive programming. Work together to set up software for</p><p>filters or for restricting access to inappropriate content. For example,</p><p>use Kiddle instead of Google (when my son was into snakes and</p><p>Googled “anaconda,” he ended up on a porn site!).</p><p>Model Healthy Habits</p><p>We’ve all heard it a million times because it’s true: kids learn more from</p><p>what we do than what we say. So there’s little point in providing</p><p>instructions for something you’re not practising yourself.</p><p>Show your child that you make it a habit to choose healthy alternatives</p><p>to tech time, such as reading, outdoor play, and creative, hands-on</p><p>activities.</p><p>When you’re on your device, explain how you’re using it as a tool and</p><p>communicate your purpose. I often say to my kids something like “I</p><p>have to use my phone now to pay bills/send a message to</p><p>Grandma/look up research for my book. I’m not scrolling social media</p><p>or playing video games!”</p><p>When using a screen, role-model putting it away or looking away from</p><p>it, maintaining eye contact, and sustaining your attention when</p><p>communicating.</p><p>Model presence by not responding to a ringer, notification, or message</p><p>in front of children. Say things like “I’ll check that later since we’re</p><p>having a conversation now. I’m going to shut off my phone so I don’t</p><p>keep getting interrupted.”</p><p>Develop a family plan for your tech use by setting SMART goals (this</p><p>page). You may even want to include when, how, and where screens</p><p>may (and may not) be≈used in your home.</p><p>3</p><p>HOOKED: Dopamine and How to Manage Technology’s</p><p>Addictive Power</p><p>How use doth breed a habit in man!</p><p>—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE,</p><p>THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA,</p><p>ACT 5, SCENE 4</p><p>IN MY PRACTICE I’m increasingly seeing beautiful, intelligent, kind-hearted</p><p>children and teens, full of potential, who are losing control of their minds</p><p>and lives to screens. Many of them are spending countless hours staring into</p><p>a glowing monitor on some days, neglecting their schoolwork, their</p><p>families, and themselves as they scroll social media or listen on a headset to</p><p>strangers discussing strategy for World of Warcraft. They’re no different</p><p>from people I’ve treated with addictions to cocaine or alcohol. Their lives</p><p>are ruined. Their interpersonal relationships are nonexistent. They’re in</p><p>terrible physical shape.</p><p>To help you understand how technology can take over a young person’s</p><p>life, I want to tell you a true story about a young man named Kyle. He was</p><p>raised in a loving, middle-class home in a small town in the United States.</p><p>His dad is a molecular biologist. His mom, Michelle, was once a retail</p><p>manager and now advocates for special-needs kids in schools.</p><p>Throughout high school, Kyle was a high achiever. He was valedictorian</p><p>and the top student of his graduating class. He was also a three-sport</p><p>student athlete, a student council member, and a trumpet player in the</p><p>honours band. He didn’t smoke, use drugs, or drink alcohol. He was afraid</p><p>they might somehow impact his future prospects, he once told me. But</p><p>when he got to university, Kyle began feeling overwhelmed by the</p><p>competitive environment. The stress he’d faced as a grade 12 student in</p><p>high school deepened. Video games, which he’d been playing since he was</p><p>six and used to cope with stress, became his only escape. He started playing</p><p>late into the night. Soon he was skipping class, unable to put down his</p><p>controller. Before long, gaming took over his life. He was forced to drop</p><p>out of school and move back home. When his parents tried barring him</p><p>from gaming he’d jump mediums, obsessively scrolling through websites,</p><p>news sites, social media.</p><p>When Kyle couldn’t get onto a screen, “it was abject anxiety, sadness and</p><p>rage,” Michelle explains. Her “easy-peasy kid who was so patient and kind”</p><p>would turn into a “mean and inconsolable tyrant.” Kyle hated himself for it.</p><p>He vacillated between being remorseful for his treatment of his mom to</p><p>hating her for getting between him and his video games.</p><p>By then Kyle was fighting with his parents every day—screaming at</p><p>them and banging his head on the table, doing anything he could just to</p><p>avoid talking to them about his gaming. Using consumed him, he says. “I</p><p>lived to use and used to live. I was utterly broken and at the mercy of my</p><p>addiction.” Counselling wasn’t working. Kyle had his therapists convinced</p><p>that he had a handle on his “passion,” and they just thought he needed to</p><p>grow up.</p><p>But addiction runs through Michelle’s family. She understood that her</p><p>son had become a full-blown gaming addict. Finally, she took action. She</p><p>gave Kyle an ultimatum: go to recovery or she’d leave to go live with her</p><p>sister. Michelle could no longer handle his rage, his depression, the dark</p><p>cloud that seemed to hang over their family.</p><p>THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF GAMING</p><p>Whenever Kyle made a kill or levelled up in a game he’d be hit with a rush</p><p>from the release of dopamine, which works by filling us with a sense of</p><p>pleasure and excitement. And</p><p>because we like feeling pleasure, our brains</p><p>instinctively remember what caused us to feel that way. So the small hits of</p><p>dopamine just made Kyle crave more—more games, more dopamine, more</p><p>bursts of pleasure. For a while it felt as though all he was doing was chasing</p><p>“dopamine hits,” he says. In between, though, he felt dead inside.</p><p>In 2018 the WHO added “gaming disorder” to its International</p><p>Classification of Diseases, defining it as an excessive preoccupation with</p><p>video games resulting in significant academic, social, or occupational</p><p>impairment for at least twelve months.</p><p>Kyle knew he was depressed. He was flunking out of school; he had few</p><p>friends and was living in his parents’ basement. But when he was gaming,</p><p>he felt talented. He had friends. He could escape to a world where he was</p><p>the hero. In recovery, he came to understand that video games were filling</p><p>primal needs and desires that were going unmet. That’s why they became so</p><p>addictive. That’s why he was having so much trouble giving them up.</p><p>WHAT GAMING GAVE KYLE</p><p>Positive reinforcement: By accumulating rewards—finding a clue, getting a high</p><p>score, levelling up—Kyle felt he was growing increasingly competent. As he began</p><p>struggling in other areas of his life, the sense of accomplishment that came with</p><p>those rewards was intoxicating.</p><p>Companionship: During the first gaming boom in the 1980s, most video games</p><p>were single player. Massively multiplayer online games, known as MMOs, the type</p><p>Kyle preferred, allowed him to play in large groups. This fed his need for connection.</p><p>Logging off was hard for Kyle, who became bonded to his teammates. IRL, he’d lost</p><p>touch with his old pals. He was embarrassed about what had become of him. Online,</p><p>no one knew of his failures.</p><p>A new reality: The shoddy graphics of Super Mario Bros. are a thing of the past.</p><p>Kyle was immersing himself in exquisitely detailed, constantly shifting, often beautiful</p><p>virtual realms. The real world seemed dull by comparison.</p><p>The chance to be a hero: Some games allowed Kyle to create his own character</p><p>and then embark on a unique adventure.</p><p>CHASING THE NEXT DOPAMINE HIT</p><p>Dopamine is playing a role not only in video games but in most of the</p><p>media we now consume. Facebook’s founding president, Sean Parker, who</p><p>began running the blockbuster social network in 2004 when it was just five</p><p>months old, now acknowledges that the platform was built on a</p><p>neurochemical. Dopamine, Parker says, is the secret sauce powering</p><p>Facebook’s success.</p><p>The thinking, Parker explained in a 2017 interview, was “How do we</p><p>consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?”</p><p>Facebook recognized that it needed “to give you a little dopamine hit every</p><p>once in a while, because someone liked or commented on a photo or a</p><p>post.” Doing that would prompt users to share more content, which would</p><p>bring more likes and comments. “It’s a social-validation feedback loop,”</p><p>Parker said, “exactly the kind of thing that a hacker like myself would come</p><p>up with, because you’re exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology.”</p><p>As Parker, who’s since left the company, pointed out, once our brains</p><p>begin associating social media with a reward, we’re going to want to keep</p><p>refreshing our feeds to get the next dopamine hit.</p><p>Think back to the time you posted a photo of your newborn or a flattering</p><p>picture of yourself on social media. Remember the rush of happiness you</p><p>felt seeing dozens of supportive messages? That feeling came from</p><p>dopamine. Released to reward us for doing something that keeps us alive,</p><p>like hunting, gathering, or bonding, it forms the basis of our brain’s positive</p><p>feedback loop, a primal system as old as life itself.</p><p>The process is key to our survival. It motivates us to seek out food or</p><p>shelter or to turn up the heat. But if it becomes dysregulated, it can also</p><p>cause cravings—for the exquisite ping of social affirmation that comes</p><p>when people retweet or “like” something we’ve written. It makes us feel</p><p>happy and loved. But in many cases, it can become tied to our self-worth as</p><p>individuals.</p><p>At this point it must be becoming clear how this can lead to addiction.</p><p>While our stomachs will send a signal to our brains telling us to stop eating</p><p>when we’re full, social media apps are deliberately designed to override</p><p>internal cues through more offers of dopamine hits. Even when we’re aware</p><p>that our scrolling is making us feel angry, anxious, or depressed, our brains</p><p>keep telling us to go back, to refresh our feeds, to keep scrolling.</p><p>In a famous 1950s psychological experiment, two McGill University</p><p>neuroscientists, Peter Milner and James Olds, implanted small electrodes in</p><p>the brains of rats. They placed them in the nucleus accumbens, the area of</p><p>the brain that regulates dopamine production—and that lights up when a</p><p>drug addict ingests fentanyl or a gambler hits the jackpot. Olds and Milner</p><p>labelled it the “pleasure centre.”</p><p>The scientists also placed a lever inside the rats’ cages. Every time a rat</p><p>pushed on the lever it would stimulate the electrode in the animal’s pleasure</p><p>centre. Left alone, the rats kept pressing their levers. Again and again—as</p><p>many as seven thousand times a day. Even when they were thirsty they</p><p>went for the lever, not water. They ignored their hunger. They refused sex.</p><p>All they wanted to do was keep hitting that lever.</p><p>Does their behaviour remind you of anything? Think back to Kyle, who</p><p>was staying up all night, skipping school to play video games. He stopped</p><p>exercising and eating healthily. All Kyle wanted to do was hit that lever of</p><p>his own. Maybe you’ve witnessed similar behaviour in a young person you</p><p>know—a teenager who keeps scrolling social media into the wee hours, a</p><p>young person so fixated on their phone that they ignore the people around</p><p>them? In 2017, a seventeen-year-old boy from Guangzhou suffered a stroke</p><p>and nearly died after playing Honour of Kings, the hit Chinese fantasy role-</p><p>playing game, for forty hours straight. And the Japanese government</p><p>estimates that there are 1.15 million hikikomori, young people who’ve</p><p>withdrawn from society and are staying in their homes or bedrooms for</p><p>months and even years on end playing video games and surfing the web.</p><p>They rely instead on their parents and families to take care of them.</p><p>There’s a big difference between tech tools designed to help people</p><p>improve their lives and those designed to hook people on their products.</p><p>The way I see it, tech that kids are actively using in the service of their</p><p>goals is positive tech. Tech that they’re passively consuming, on the other</p><p>hand, is negative. These companies are using kids in the service of their</p><p>own goals.</p><p>WHY TECHNOLOGY IS DESIGNED FOR ADDICTION</p><p>In most cases, apps and social networks aren’t charging for access. The</p><p>internet is sustained by clicks and eyeballs. For big tech, the goal, as Parker</p><p>explained, is getting users to spend as much time as possible on their sites.</p><p>This, in Silicon Valley’s sanitized vernacular, is what’s known as “user</p><p>engagement.” After all, the longer Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube can</p><p>keep us “engaged” on their sites, the more they can charge advertisers.</p><p>To maintain revenue growth, social networks and apps are constantly</p><p>searching for new ways to fight your brain—to stop you from logging off or</p><p>deleting their apps and engaging in real-life activities. At their disposal are</p><p>hundreds of years of publicly funded research from neuroscience,</p><p>psychology, linguistics, cognitive science, and social behaviour.</p><p>But what few children (and parents) understand is that when an online</p><p>service is free, they’re not the customer, they’re the product. Corporations</p><p>like Google, Facebook, Instagram, and Amazon, whose sites you’ve visited,</p><p>then closely track your likes, purchases, and location, information they can</p><p>package and sell to advertisers. This puts tech executives in a bind, says Bill</p><p>Davidow, a former vice-president of Intel Corp. “Either they hijack</p><p>neuroscience to gain market share and make large profits, or they let</p><p>competitors do that and run</p><p>away with the market.”</p><p>Nowhere is the widespread desire for cracking the neurological code</p><p>Facebook unravelled early on more brazen than at the controversial</p><p>California start-up Dopamine Labs, which seeks to “surprise and hook”</p><p>users by infusing apps and platforms with the same addictive powers as</p><p>Instagram and Twitter. Dopamine Labs is the brainchild of two close</p><p>friends, T. Dalton Combs, a neuro-economist, and Ramsay Brown, a</p><p>neuropsychologist. “Since we’ve figured to some extent how these pieces of</p><p>the brain that handle addiction are working, people have figured out how to</p><p>juice them further and how to bake that information into apps,” says Brown.</p><p>He acknowledges that this power is both thrilling and terrifying: “We have</p><p>the ability to twiddle some knobs in a machine-learning dashboard we</p><p>build, and around the world hundreds of thousands of people are going to</p><p>quietly change their behaviour in ways that, unbeknownst to them, feel</p><p>second nature but are really by design.”</p><p>What Brown is saying is that what might feel like conscious decisions are</p><p>in reality hijacking methods that engineers are using to alter our behaviour.</p><p>SEVEN WAYS DEVELOPERS ARE MANIPULATING YOUR KIDS’</p><p>MINDS</p><p>Developers like Sean Parker and neuropsychologists like Ramsay Brown</p><p>understand precisely what causes dopamine surges in our brains and infuse</p><p>their products with techniques that trigger their release. The most successful</p><p>ones hook us by exploiting primal human needs: our need to be loved,</p><p>connected, and recognized, to feel competent, to give and receive attention,</p><p>to achieve something. Some argue that it’s our job as parents to protect our</p><p>kids from manipulative tactics like these. But we can’t protect our kids and</p><p>teens from something we don’t even recognize ourselves.</p><p>So here are the common methods programmers use to capture your kids’</p><p>attention. Once you become aware of them you can teach your children to</p><p>spot them and understand them. This will help kids take back some control</p><p>in their interactions with technology.</p><p>1. Red Alert!</p><p>We all know what red means: Emergency! Urgent! Red is the most intense</p><p>and dynamic colour. In fact, it’s known as a “trigger” colour: research</p><p>shows that it can elevate your heart rate and blood pressure. It has also been</p><p>shown to make people click at a higher rate than any other colour.</p><p>Originally, Facebook notifications were in blue. This was in keeping with</p><p>the corporate brand, whose blue hue was famously selected because it’s the</p><p>one that founder Mark Zuckerberg, who is red-green colour-blind, can best</p><p>see. But Facebook found that people tended to ignore these alerts. When</p><p>they were changed to red, clicking suddenly went through the roof.</p><p>The industry took note. These days you’ll find small red dots attached to</p><p>apps all over your iPhone, begging you to open them. The next time you</p><p>find yourself sitting with your kids, pull out your phone and show them</p><p>these alerts that let you know a message is waiting for you or that someone</p><p>has “liked” your status. Explain why they’re red, and how we’re</p><p>biologically driven to want to open an app when we see red. You might</p><p>want to show them how you can change your phone to greyscale so that</p><p>everything appears in black and white, making it less stimulating, more</p><p>boring, less appealing.</p><p>2. Social Approval</p><p>In the same way that we humans have a basic need for food and shelter, we</p><p>also have an innate need to belong to a group and form deep relationships to</p><p>others. Facebook “likes” and Instagram hearts play on this primal need for</p><p>love and connection.</p><p>The world around us may have changed dramatically since paleolithic</p><p>times, but our brains have not. On the savannah, we had to carefully</p><p>manage our social standing within the tribe. Loners and cast-outs tended to</p><p>get picked off. Your survival depended on being needed and appreciated.</p><p>During adolescence, we are acutely sensitive to social pressures and</p><p>yearn to be included in the in-group. I find that many of my teen patients</p><p>become obsessed with maintaining their social media presence, which is a</p><p>way to affirm and display friendships, something we humans have been</p><p>doing since time immemorial.</p><p>If you have a teenager in your life, you might consider telling them about</p><p>the time you posted something to social media that didn’t get any likes, and</p><p>how it felt embarrassing and painful because it also felt like a public</p><p>rejection. Let them know that while those painful feelings are real, the</p><p>rejection was not. Facebook likes don’t measure popularity. True friends</p><p>love all of you—your flaws, your talents, your quirky sense of humour.</p><p>Research shows your kids need one or two true friends, not eight hundred</p><p>on social media.</p><p>You could also encourage them to use alternative platforms that don’t</p><p>track their users’ data, don’t display ads, and don’t try to increase usage</p><p>with likes and streaks.</p><p>3. Autoplay and Infinite Scroll</p><p>As YouTube and Netflix know, the easiest way to keep kids (and their</p><p>parents!) from logging off is by autoplaying the next video by default. It’s</p><p>no surprise that binge watching suddenly spiked when Netflix first</p><p>introduced the feature, which queues up the next episode after a ten-second</p><p>countdown.</p><p>Social networking sites often exploit the same principle. By autofilling</p><p>your feed and allowing you to scroll forever, these sites make it that much</p><p>harder to log off.</p><p>The next time you’re watching a series on Netflix with your child, hit</p><p>pause when the next episode begins to autoplay. Explain why this</p><p>happened. Remind them that they control how long they watch.</p><p>4. Variable Rewards</p><p>Counterintuitive though it may seem, the best way to keep young people</p><p>checking Instagram is not by rewarding them every time they open the app.</p><p>Randomness is what really gets them hooked. With comments and “likes”</p><p>appearing on no set schedule, they’re forced to keep compulsively checking</p><p>the apps, never sure when they’ll be rewarded with a hit of dopamine.</p><p>The scientific term for this is “variable rewards.” And if you don’t</p><p>believe this works on humans, remember that this is the way slot machines</p><p>—which account for some 80 percent of the average casino’s revenues—are</p><p>designed.</p><p>Tech engineers drew on the work of the American psychologist B.F.</p><p>Skinner, who discovered the power of randomly doling out rewards in a</p><p>series of experiments on pigeons. Skinner taught the pigeons to peck a</p><p>button for food. But he learned he could drive the poor birds berserk by</p><p>randomly rewarding them. They’d keep pecking and pecking, hoping to hit</p><p>the jackpot. One kept pecking for food for sixteen hours straight!</p><p>Explain in simple terms to your teen that this is how social media works.</p><p>Every time she opens Instagram, Snapchat, or Twitter she’s effectively</p><p>pulling on the arm of a slot machine. Will she be rewarded with a link to a</p><p>fascinating story or a bunch of silly tweets? She doesn’t know. That’s</p><p>what’s driving her to keep refreshing her feed. Humans, like pigeons, crave</p><p>predictability. Variability is our kryptonite. It drives us to do crazy things,</p><p>like open Snapchat forty-five times in a single day.</p><p>Teach your kids to set aside a specific time every day to check social</p><p>media for a clear purpose. For example, Joesh has friends in South Africa</p><p>and Europe, and he’s allowed to download Snapchat and Instagram only on</p><p>Sunday afternoons to connect with them.</p><p>5. Novelty Bias</p><p>Novelty bias simply means that we humans love new things. We were</p><p>hardwired this way. In the paleolithic era, the ability to recognize and</p><p>respond to new, often dangerous, things was key to our survival.</p><p>These days, it’s making us react helplessly to the buzz of incoming</p><p>information. It’s why social media apps are constantly nagging us to turn on</p><p>their notifications. When an alert tells us that a WhatsApp message or a</p><p>news story awaits us, we have a hard time ignoring it. My advice: teach</p><p>your kids to turn off their notifications and avoid becoming subject to the</p><p>randomness of them. It’s another way to take back control from the apps</p><p>and other platforms they’re</p><p>using.</p><p>6. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)</p><p>FOMO, or the fear of missing out, is one of the main reasons we stay on</p><p>social media even though we know, rationally, that it’s an anxiety-inducing</p><p>time suck. If we delete social media there’s always the chance that we’ll</p><p>miss an invite, a sale, or a message from a friend. And for adolescents, who</p><p>are already anxious about fitting in, not being in on a joke, or seeming</p><p>uncool, the stakes can feel extraordinarily high.</p><p>As parents, it’s our job to help our children understand that they won’t</p><p>miss what they don’t see, and to let them know that the truly important</p><p>messages will reach them whether or not they’re on Instagram. And if they</p><p>do actually miss out on something, that is ok too.</p><p>7. Social Reciprocity</p><p>We’re wired to want to get back to others when they reach out. This is</p><p>known as social reciprocity—the back-and-forth flow of social interaction</p><p>that makes us want to respond to a positive action with another positive</p><p>action.</p><p>When Facebook tells the sender that a recipient has read their message, it</p><p>triggers our hardwired sense of social reciprocity. Snapchat and WhatsApp</p><p>have taken this one step further: users are informed the second a friend</p><p>begins typing a message to them. To a teen, the need to respond can feel</p><p>overwhelming—more urgent than acknowledging their parents or letting</p><p>out their barking dog who desperately needs to pee. To our paleolithic</p><p>brains, ignoring a Twitter DM or a friend request on Instagram can feel like</p><p>a potentially dangerous social gaffe.</p><p>Tell your kids about the good old days when phones hung from walls and</p><p>didn’t join you for walks or in the bathroom. No one expected you to be</p><p>home at all times to answer them. You got back to your friends when you</p><p>could. That’s still true today, even if methods of communication have sped</p><p>up. Let your kids know that they don’t need to instantly reply to messages.</p><p>Help them make a habit of letting messages sit unopened for a day or more.</p><p>Teach them the importance of thinking before they text, and to never send</p><p>an email when they feel angry or upset.</p><p>LET’S GET REAL ABOUT OUR KIDS’ WILLPOWER</p><p>With an engineering team whose job it is to break down willpower and</p><p>personal responsibility on the other side of every screen, it’s hard for</p><p>anyone, let alone a twelve-year-old, to maintain a healthy balance. Children</p><p>are even more vulnerable to screen and gaming addictions. Their frontal</p><p>lobes are still not fully formed. They haven’t yet acquired the ability to</p><p>stop, reflect on the situation, and take a different course of action. This</p><p>means they lack the self-</p><p>regulation and long-term understanding that prevents many adults from</p><p>developing addictive habits. And it’s another reason I tell parents that tech</p><p>requires parental guidance.</p><p>The adolescent brain presents an even bigger challenge. Teen brains are</p><p>biochemically driven towards three key dopamine-</p><p>producing behaviours:</p><p>Taking risks</p><p>Trying new things</p><p>Being admired by friends</p><p>The roots of this behaviour go way back in our evolutionary history, to a</p><p>period when adolescent hominids had to venture out into new territories, to</p><p>find a mate, and help maintain the survival of our species.</p><p>These days the new territories are online, but the environment isn’t</p><p>necessarily less treacherous. I was once asked by a journalist to explain why</p><p>teens would do something so foolish as the “Tide Pod Challenge,” one of</p><p>2018’s most alarming social media sensations. That year, you’ll remember,</p><p>some teens began recording themselves biting into brightly coloured</p><p>laundry pods, resulting in a spike in poisonings. I told the reporter that the</p><p>viral challenge fed all three of the teenage brain’s unique drives: it was</p><p>risky, it was new, and posting it led to likes and retweets.</p><p>SHOULD KIDS BE TARGETED THIS WAY?</p><p>If your kids are anything like mine, they’ve been 100 percent seduced by</p><p>social media or gaming platforms at one point or another in their young</p><p>lives. The persuasive features of technology work especially well on young,</p><p>still maturing minds. In 2017 an internal company report revealed that</p><p>Facebook can identify the exact moment when teens feel “insecure,”</p><p>“worthless,” or “need a confidence boost.” In the document, which was</p><p>leaked to The Australian newspaper, Facebook was actually bragging to</p><p>advertisers and investors about their ability to exploit teenage</p><p>vulnerabilities.</p><p>The intrusion of technology is unravelling age-old traditions and</p><p>disrupting ways of living that have kept us healthy, happy, and strong.</p><p>Consider the following:</p><p>The rate of non-screen playtime among children has plummeted by 25</p><p>percent in the last twenty years.</p><p>Younger children now spend five and a half hours each day in front of</p><p>screens, according to studies by the Kaiser Family Foundation, an</p><p>American non-profit.</p><p>For teens, the figure is more than seven hours (figures that don’t</p><p>include schoolwork).</p><p>Adolescents are now spending more time using social media and</p><p>playing video games than they are sleeping.</p><p>The average child spends more time communicating through screens</p><p>than they do face to face.</p><p>In 2008, one year after the iPhone hit the market, people spent an</p><p>average of eighteen minutes on their phones every day. By 2019 it was</p><p>up to a daily three hours and fifteen minutes.</p><p>But even in my field, child psychiatry, few of us are asking about the</p><p>ethics of all this. Psychology and neuroscience—fields we tend to associate</p><p>with healing and helping, ruled by the primary ethical principle of “do no</p><p>harm”—are being weaponized to pull kids away from homework, sleep,</p><p>and the crucial developmental work of learning, problem solving, and</p><p>mastering real-world skills.</p><p>Not many industries are as cutthroat and unregulated as big tech, whose</p><p>decision making clearly doesn’t factor in children’s well-being. So, in the</p><p>absence of governmental oversight, parents need to step in.</p><p>Former Tech Execs Speak Out</p><p>Nowhere is the growing understanding of the problems associated with</p><p>smartphones and social media more intense than in the San Francisco</p><p>foothills where they’re being created. In the last few years, former high-</p><p>ranking employees of all three Silicon Valley behemoths, Google, Apple,</p><p>and Facebook, have begun blowing the whistle on their products, warning</p><p>especially of their effects on children.</p><p>Now forty, Sean Parker describes himself as “something of a</p><p>conscientious objector” against social media, which “literally changes your</p><p>relationship with society, with each other,” he says. “God only knows what</p><p>it’s doing to our children’s brains.”</p><p>Chamath Palihapitiya, former vice-president of user growth at Facebook,</p><p>has similarly come out against social media. As he puts it, the “short-term,</p><p>dopamine-driven feedback loops we’ve created are destroying society.” He</p><p>says he feels “tremendous guilt” for the role he played. Of his own children,</p><p>Palihapitiya added, “They’re not allowed to use this shit.”</p><p>None of the Silicon Valley reformers have been louder than Tristan</p><p>Harris, a former product manager at Google. Harris has spent the past</p><p>several years encouraging people to get off the technologies he helped</p><p>create. His non-profit organization, the Center for Humane Technology,</p><p>includes a team of former tech insiders and CEOs who “intimately</p><p>understand the culture, business incentives, design techniques, and</p><p>organizational structures driving how technology hijacks our minds.” The</p><p>“ultimate freedom” is “a free mind,” says Harris. “We need technology</p><p>that’s on our team to help us live, feel, think, and act freely.”</p><p>Still, the reality remains: tech companies have a deeply unfair advantage</p><p>over parents, few of whom even realize the seductive power of these</p><p>devices and how easily they can colonize their kids’ lives. Tech evangelists</p><p>tend to remind us that we’ve seen this outbreak of parental panic before.</p><p>Telephones, radios, and even books induced serious concern among parents,</p><p>teachers, and authorities when they were first introduced. TV was initially</p><p>derided as a “vast wasteland” that was making kids “aggressive and</p><p>irritable.” But TVs weren’t constantly tweaked to make them more and</p><p>more addictive. As Harris notes, “It’s Homo sapiens minds up against the</p><p>most powerful supercomputers and billions of dollars.” It’s like bringing a</p><p>knife to a space laser fight, he adds. “We’re going to look back and say:</p><p>‘Why on earth did we do this?’ ”</p><p>Meanwhile, several Asian governments have taken action. Both South</p><p>Korea and China have introduced so-called “Cinderella” laws that force</p><p>young gamers to log off. South Korea’s “Shutdown Law,” enacted in 2011,</p><p>bars anyone under sixteen from gaming between midnight and six a.m. In</p><p>2019 Beijing announced its gaming curfew in the belief that video game</p><p>addiction was to blame for the rise in nearsightedness and poor academic</p><p>performance among young people. Chinese gamers under eighteen are now</p><p>barred from playing online games between ten p.m. and eight a.m. The new</p><p>rules also limit those under sixteen from spending more than two hundred</p><p>yuan ($29) per month on add-ons like virtual costumes, pets, and weapons.</p><p>IDENTIFYING MEDIA ADDICTIONS</p><p>The WHO’s 2018 decision to add gaming disorder as a diagnosable disease</p><p>was not without controversy. The way we initially understood addiction was</p><p>through substances like alcohol, cocaine, opioids, and other drugs. Whether</p><p>gambling, a behaviour, can be addictive was hotly debated for two decades</p><p>in the psychiatric profession before behavioural addictions were added to</p><p>the DSM-5 in 2013.</p><p>The debate over the WHO’s classification began when researchers began</p><p>documenting the same brain changes in gambling addicts as in people who</p><p>were addicted to drugs: their heart rates spiked and they sweated when they</p><p>couldn’t gamble.</p><p>Addiction boils down to compulsively seeking something out despite the</p><p>negative consequences. Addicts show an inability to cut down their</p><p>consumption; since they develop a tolerance over time, they need higher</p><p>and higher levels of stimulation for satisfaction. Additionally, they</p><p>experience cravings they cannot control.</p><p>So when I’m trying to explain tech addiction to parents, the first thing I</p><p>suggest they do is look for the presence of the following:</p><p>Craving: Thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations or cravings to</p><p>participate in the behaviour</p><p>Loss of control: Lack of control over gaming or internet use</p><p>Compulsion to use: Increasing priority given to the gaming or internet</p><p>use over other activities to the extent that it takes precedence over other</p><p>interests and daily activities</p><p>Use despite the consequences: The continuation or escalation of</p><p>gaming or internet use despite the occurrence of negative consequences</p><p>such as failing an exam, neck strain, weight gain, or loss of sleep</p><p>For example, if your child is staying up until three in the morning gaming</p><p>even though it means he won’t be able to function at school the next day—</p><p>and his report card reflects it—it is time to intervene.</p><p>Keep in mind that the pattern of behaviour must be so severe that it’s</p><p>harming personal relationships, it’s interrupting schooling, sports, and other</p><p>activities, and it’s been evident for at least twelve months. But I wouldn’t</p><p>wait for major negative consequences or a year-long pattern to develop.</p><p>Watch for signs of addiction in your child no matter their age, and intervene</p><p>early. As well, consider common risk factors for addiction in general:</p><p>Family history of addiction</p><p>Mental health disorders such as anxiety, depression, ADHD</p><p>Peer pressure to use or to participate in problem behaviour</p><p>Family disconnection</p><p>Early use</p><p>Prior challenges with an addictive drug or behaviour</p><p>HELP YOUR YOUNG GAMER FIGURE OUT WHY THEY’RE</p><p>GAMING</p><p>Don’t be afraid to ask your child all the reasons they think they’re gaming.</p><p>Help them understand that while sometimes they’re doing it to have fun,</p><p>other times they’re doing it to check out from the world, or to escape</p><p>anxiety or depression. This is the first step towards helping your child.</p><p>Once you understand why they’re playing for hours on end, you can suggest</p><p>new habits and a new routine that might satisfy the underlying motive for it.</p><p>Even if the solution doesn’t come easily, the first step is understanding what</p><p>the behaviour was rewarding in the first place. Consider the profiles below</p><p>and how you can help your child depending on which one they may fit.</p><p>The lonely gamer who’s using gaming to socialize might benefit from</p><p>cultivating new social ties. You could help him find a club or an</p><p>activity where he might make new friends.</p><p>The bullied gamer who’s using gaming to escape from teasing or</p><p>bullying might benefit from school intervention, assertiveness training,</p><p>or even a martial arts class that might help her build confidence.</p><p>The bored gamer who’s using online games for entertainment might</p><p>benefit from a different type of cognitive stimulation, like reading</p><p>novels or learning a new sport. Try brainstorming ideas or sitting down</p><p>with your child to watch documentaries or movies that are interesting,</p><p>funny, or take you to new worlds together.</p><p>WHAT THIS MEANS FOR OUR CHILDREN</p><p>When it comes to addiction, anxiety, depression, and other mental health</p><p>issues, there’s always been the chicken and egg debate: Did the depressed</p><p>person discover that drugs or alcohol helped numb their pain, leading to</p><p>addiction? Or did the alcoholic become depressed because their drinking</p><p>problem caused their life to spiral out of control? It’s often difficult to</p><p>separate the two.</p><p>The data shows that about 70 percent of youth with an addiction also</p><p>have a mental health issue, and vice versa. Very few people with a</p><p>diagnosed addiction don’t also have a mental health issue, whether it’s</p><p>anxiety, depression, ADHD, PTSD, an eating disorder, bipolar disorder, or</p><p>something else. The science supports the “common cause” conception,</p><p>meaning that the problems start from the same place and run in parallel with</p><p>one another.</p><p>The data also clearly shows that an adolescent with a mental health</p><p>problem or an addiction vulnerability is at a higher risk of developing an</p><p>addiction to tech. And in general, we know that the seeds of addiction are</p><p>sown in childhood and adolescence. With a tech addiction, this occurs</p><p>through two mechanisms:</p><p>1. Repetitive use. This primes the brain to repetitively seek dopamine, or</p><p>a high. In turn this creates the neural pathways that become stronger</p><p>over time, and soon the habit (dopamine hit) becomes a dominant trail</p><p>in your child’s brain.</p><p>2. Repetitive use of tech as a coping skill. The young person becomes</p><p>reliant on short-term pleasure to escape from negative emotions. This</p><p>prevents the development of neural pathways required for healthy</p><p>coping with stress, sadness, and other negative emotions.</p><p>Given that addiction is a disease of neural plasticity, the repetition aspect</p><p>is essential. It occurs when the trail, or neural pathway, forms a strong loop</p><p>between an external association, like checking social media, and a brief,</p><p>internal feeling of pleasure or a short escape from anxiety.</p><p>Parents may unwittingly allow the addiction to spiral out of control by</p><p>allowing the anxious child to connect with friends online or to relieve exam</p><p>pressure through gaming. The problem is, self-medicating with tech is no</p><p>better than using marijuana or alcohol to cope. The precious young people</p><p>in our lives need support, guidance, and sometimes treatment to help them</p><p>deal with the underlying problem. When they do, these behaviours tend to</p><p>become much more manageable or even disappear.</p><p>YES, I’M AFRAID WE DO NEED TO TALK ABOUT PORN</p><p>For most parents, internet porn is an uncomfortable topic. Denial, naïvété,</p><p>stigma, embarrassment, and shame are just some of the reasons keeping</p><p>them from bringing it up with their kids. Other parents, some dads</p><p>especially, tend to think their sons’ use of porn is a normal part of growing</p><p>up. They might remember dirty magazines or images getting passed around</p><p>when they were teenagers. The experience today, however, is completely</p><p>different from what earlier generations saw. Online porn today is more</p><p>graphic, more visual,</p><p>and more disturbing, and is sometimes live.</p><p>When he was in grade six, my son was shown scenes from a graphic</p><p>movie. It deeply upset him, and took him several days to recover from it. I</p><p>like to remind parents that once your child sees these images they can’t un-</p><p>see them.</p><p>My son is hardly alone. In a recent study led by Indiana University’s</p><p>Center for Sexual Health Promotion, 36 percent of teen boys reported</p><p>seeing videos of men ejaculating on women’s faces, one-third of boys and</p><p>girls had seen BDSM (bondage and discipline; dominance and submission),</p><p>and 26 percent of males and 20 percent of females had seen double</p><p>penetration. Another problem with online porn is that some adolescents are</p><p>using it as a how-to guide. And some teens have trouble distinguishing</p><p>what’s real from what’s fake. A 2016 British study showed that 53 percent</p><p>of boys and 39 percent of girls thought pornography was “realistic.”</p><p>Online porn is also reaching kids at a younger age than most parents</p><p>realize—and the impact can be devastating. I’ve seen many adult men in</p><p>my practice who say that their use of porn during adolescence has ruined</p><p>their lives.</p><p>Others are encountering it by accident: a young boy might be Googling</p><p>“anaconda” and end up on a porn site, as my son did. This is similar to how</p><p>Alexander Rhodes, a Pittsburgh web developer and the founder of an anti-</p><p>porn website, was himself first introduced to porn. He grew up in a home</p><p>full of computers; his dad is a software engineer and his mom is a writer.</p><p>When he was eleven, Rhodes mistakenly clicked on a banner ad and found</p><p>an image depicting rape. He was intrigued and kept clicking.</p><p>That initial curiosity eventually evolved into a daily devotion to hardcore</p><p>pornography. The compulsion became an addiction, which saw him</p><p>masturbating to porn as often as fourteen times a day: “I was relying on</p><p>pornography as some kind of emotional crutch,” Rhodes says. “If anything</p><p>bad would happen, you would go to porn because it would always be</p><p>there.”</p><p>Sooner or later, however, those who use escapism to avoid dealing with</p><p>their problems have to return to reality. If kids don’t deal with their deeper</p><p>issues, they don’t simply disappear. And the more time they spend in a</p><p>fantasy, the less energy they have for dealing with their real-world issues.</p><p>Whatever they’re doing to numb their feelings and mask their pain risks</p><p>becoming addictive.</p><p>Porn addiction and porn-induced erectile dysfunction are hot topics</p><p>among psychologists, psychiatrists, and researchers. These diagnoses</p><p>haven’t yet been recognized by the medical establishment, but I believe</p><p>they soon will be. We’re seeing children become desensitized to violent</p><p>sexual imagery—and we know that there’s a connection with difficulties</p><p>establishing relationships and a heightened tolerance to arousal.</p><p>A lot of young men who’ve gone through puberty using internet porn are</p><p>reporting a decreased interest in seeking out sexual partners, difficulty</p><p>achieving arousal during sex, and an inability to achieve an orgasm without</p><p>porn. Rhodes argues that one can see more women in a few minutes online</p><p>than a primitive man likely saw in a lifetime. The resulting “super-</p><p>stimulation” has behavioural consequences similar to what drugs, alcohol,</p><p>or gambling can do to the brain’s reward centre. Indeed, a 2014 University</p><p>of Cambridge study using brain imaging showed that the porn-addicted</p><p>brain reacts to porn cues the same way the drug-addicted brain reacts to</p><p>drug cues.</p><p>By the time Rhodes was in university, he had what he calls “porn-</p><p>induced erectile dysfunction.” He was dating for the first time, and could</p><p>maintain an erection during sex only by fantasizing about pornography.</p><p>Nothing quite worked when he focused solely on his girlfriend. That was</p><p>the turning point. “I was at a low point and seeking answers to why I felt</p><p>such a slave to this.”</p><p>In time, he finally quit the porn habit and decided to help others,</p><p>founding the porn-recovery platform NoFap (“fap” is a slang term for</p><p>masturbation). The site is aimed at men looking to escape pornography. It</p><p>offers a counter that tracks exactly how many days a person has abstained,</p><p>with badges awarded for such milestones as going a week, a month, or a</p><p>year without masturbating to porn.</p><p>I strongly believe that we need to sound the alarm on this topic. We need</p><p>to educate parents on the serious effects of online porn, and add it to digital</p><p>safety curriculums in a much bigger way. There needs to be a public</p><p>discussion about and recognition of porn addiction, with professional</p><p>treatment similar to what gamblers or internet gaming addicts receive to</p><p>help return the brain’s reward centre to normal. We’ve already lost too</p><p>many promising youth, mostly men, to the darkness of internet</p><p>pornography.</p><p>THERE’S HOPE FOR TEENS WITH ADDICTIONS</p><p>Kyle, the young man with a full-fledged addiction to gaming, agreed to</p><p>enter recovery. But for his mom, Michelle, finding the appropriate treatment</p><p>for him was an exercise in frustration. In Asia—a hub of video game</p><p>creation, use, and addiction—treatment facilities aimed at helping</p><p>uncontrollable gaming have existed for years. In North America, however,</p><p>gaming rehabilitation centres are hard to find, and demand for the existing</p><p>programs is high.</p><p>Michelle initially considered sending Kyle to a residential recovery</p><p>program near Seattle, but the first seven weeks of care cost $30,000. Its</p><p>wait list was several months long. Then Michelle found Last Door, a</p><p>residential treatment centre in New Westminster, B.C., just outside</p><p>Vancouver, which specialized in media addictions and charged two-thirds</p><p>less. I’ve directed many patients to Last Door over the years. For some, it</p><p>really is their last option.</p><p>And for Kyle, as for many of my patients, Last Door turned out to be a</p><p>godsend. When he arrived he’d been living in his parents’ basement, “using</p><p>every day, suicidal, and totally incapable of living my life.” He wasn’t using</p><p>for pleasure. He was gaming so that he wouldn’t feel worse, he explains: “It</p><p>was a survival mechanism.” When he walked into his first meeting, the</p><p>group of six patients, all young men, began chanting “One of us. One of us.</p><p>One of us” and patting him on the back. He felt accepted. During that</p><p>meeting Kyle began hearing some of the other guys talking about things</p><p>he’d been feeling for years—and, for the first time, he started to feel</p><p>hopeful.</p><p>He was barred from electronics—he’d be sent home if caught using.</p><p>Gradually, he was taught how to socialize and exercise. At Last Door,</p><p>patients help run the household. Kyle took a job in the kitchen, where he</p><p>learned to cook and to eat more healthfully. And slowly, as he found a new</p><p>way to live, he felt the desire to use slip away. The depression that had</p><p>tormented him for years began to lift.</p><p>After leaving Last Door, Kyle went back to school and eventually</p><p>became a high school mathematics teacher. He got a job three hours from</p><p>where he lived with his parents and has since earned a master’s degree that</p><p>will allow him to become a school principal. He’s been clean for five years</p><p>now.</p><p>Often, the best way to overcome an addiction or a bad habit is to initially</p><p>replace the original behaviour with another habit or even a distraction.</p><p>When Kyle reflected on his gaming addiction he saw that it was the</p><p>interaction with other players that helped soothe his loneliness, so he</p><p>overcame his addiction in the long run by cultivating a vibrant social life</p><p>and taking a job as a teacher that brought him meaningful extended</p><p>relationships. He attends three Narcotics Anonymous meetings per week</p><p>and helps run the local NA chapter. He’s had a girlfriend for almost a year,</p><p>and recently took her home to meet his sister and parents. “I shouldn’t be</p><p>alive today, let alone living this incredible life,” he says.</p><p>When it comes to potential addiction, early action is always best, but</p><p>even if your child is further down the path, it’s never too late.</p><p>REMEMBER…</p><p>Dopamine works by filling us with a sense of pleasure and excitement. Anything</p><p>we do that triggers</p><p>the release of dopamine is something we’ll want to do again</p><p>and again—to feel that rush of pleasure.</p><p>Dopamine is the key neurochemical of addiction.</p><p>Facebook’s Sean Parker has admitted that the platform was designed not to</p><p>connect us but rather to addict and distract us. Many other tech executives are</p><p>speaking out.</p><p>Many social media platforms and video games are designed to trigger dopamine</p><p>release. The most successful techniques hook us by exploiting deep-seated</p><p>human needs—for social approval, novelty, and social reciprocity, among others.</p><p>When an online service is free, you’re not the customer, you’re the product.</p><p>In 2018 the WHO added gaming disorder to its International Classification of</p><p>Diseases (ICD-11).</p><p>Children and teens are especially vulnerable to screen and gaming addictions</p><p>because they have an immature frontal lobe and have trouble with long-term</p><p>planning and self-regulating.</p><p>The teenage brain is uniquely driven to take risks, seek novelty, and gain peer</p><p>admiration.</p><p>Addiction is often a result of repetitive habits or a means to self-medicate and</p><p>distract from an underlying mental health issue such as anxiety, depression, or</p><p>ADHD.</p><p>Internet porn is an uncomfortable topic, but it’s reaching kids at a younger age</p><p>and more profoundly than most parents realize.</p><p>SOLUTIONS</p><p>In this chapter we’ve been discussing how the pleasure/reward</p><p>neurochemical dopamine can have negative effects on behaviour when</p><p>inappropriately released in the brain. We know that dopamine is released</p><p>when we hunt, gather, and bond to reward activities important for our</p><p>survival. We’ve also seen the darker side of how tech companies are</p><p>designing their products to overload us with dopamine and keep us coming</p><p>back for more.</p><p>In the pages that follow you’ll find suggestions for how to introduce and</p><p>monitor your child’s personal device, minimizing the risk of addictive</p><p>technology and avoiding behaviours that may make your child more</p><p>susceptible to other kinds of compulsive behaviours later in life. In addition,</p><p>this section will present some of the signs and symptoms of addiction to</p><p>watch for and give you strategies for weaning your child off the tech that</p><p>may be taking over their lives.</p><p>KEY STRATEGIES</p><p>DON’T</p><p>Assume that no harm will come to your child because “everyone else is doing it”</p><p>Worry or believe your child needs tech at a young age to “keep up”</p><p>Give your child a personal phone or tablet</p><p>Get addicted to tech yourself</p><p>DO</p><p>Introduce tech as you would car keys</p><p>Scaffold and support healthy digital habits</p><p>Increase privileges and independence one step at a time</p><p>Watch for tech misuse and addiction</p><p>Intervene early if signs appear</p><p>AVOID…</p><p>Guide your child away from any tech that leads to a dopamine rush or feelings of</p><p>intense pleasure. This includes online gambling and pornography. Avoid it as much</p><p>as possible, for as long as possible.</p><p>LIMIT AND MONITOR…</p><p>Avoiding video games and social media entirely is probably not realistic.</p><p>Unfortunately, almost all have some component of persuasive design. Thus, parents</p><p>need to oversee their use, especially in the beginning. Discuss, limit, and monitor</p><p>video games and social media until your child seems to understand the manipulation</p><p>methods and can regulate their own use.</p><p>HOW TO INTRODUCE A PERSONAL DEVICE TO HELP FOSTER</p><p>SELF-REGULATION</p><p>You’d never just hand the car keys to your child without first having</p><p>conversations, driving lessons, and practice on local roads before highways.</p><p>Similarly, we shouldn’t be handing over powerful addictive technology to</p><p>children without first teaching them how to safely use it. As they grow</p><p>older and demonstrate more understanding, responsibility, and skill, let</p><p>them progressively access more tech.</p><p>So when you introduce a phone or a laptop computer, establish clear</p><p>parameters with your child. Give them increasing responsibilities as time</p><p>goes on, following the plan below. Don’t forget to continue to monitor and</p><p>help with their social, emotional, and time management skills every step of</p><p>the way.</p><p>Above all, there’s one big suggestion I encourage parents to follow:</p><p>please, please, please don’t give your child a phone or computer. Don’t</p><p>make it a birthday gift or Christmas present. If you like, you can buy a</p><p>phone for their personal use. But be clear that it’s your phone, that they’re</p><p>allowed to borrow it, and that you can take it back if things don’t work out.</p><p>The same logic applies to an Xbox, Nintendo Switch, or whatever else will</p><p>be the next console or tablet to come down the endless pipeline of</p><p>expensive technology devices. It’s important to establish that you control</p><p>the supply lines.</p><p>Before Handing Over the Device…</p><p>Have a conversation with your child in which you’re clear about what</p><p>the device is to be used for.</p><p>Establish house rules, using some or all of the ideas below.</p><p>Carve out screen-free areas of the home (kitchen table, car, bedroom)</p><p>and maintain daily screen-free times (family meals, homework time,</p><p>reading, bedtime).</p><p>Notifications and autoplay must be turned off on all devices in the</p><p>home.</p><p>Choose one day of the week when no one uses devices.</p><p>Shut off Wi-Fi—ideally two hours before bedtime and until your child</p><p>is off to school the next morning.</p><p>Set up a family charging station in an open area like the kitchen, where</p><p>everyone plugs in their devices when they’re not in use.</p><p>Let your child know that, at first, you’ll need all passwords and will be</p><p>checking their phone regularly. The sooner they illustrate responsible</p><p>use, the sooner they gain privacy and independence.</p><p>In the Early Days of Use…</p><p>Devices should be used to communicate with parents, teachers, and</p><p>friends for practical issues like homework or the carpool. They may</p><p>text friends to find out about an assignment, but not to socialize. In the</p><p>beginning, socializing is best conducted in person.</p><p>Don’t allow social media, video games, or streaming apps like Netflix.</p><p>The use of these apps is a privilege that must be earned. Tell them that</p><p>using those apps is like driving on the highway. First you have to learn</p><p>to navigate the local roads.</p><p>Keep an eye on your child’s time management, emotional regulation,</p><p>and social skills during this early period to ensure that they have</p><p>control over their behaviour.</p><p>Once They’ve Shown Competency with the Basics…</p><p>Give them a few more privileges—the ability to communicate with</p><p>friends in a chat group, for example.</p><p>Maintain limits on their usage, and if your child wants more time, ask</p><p>them how they plan to manage that time and self-regulate their use.</p><p>As their privileges grow, check in with your child, asking them to print</p><p>out their browser history and discuss what they’re seeing, or ask them</p><p>what media they used and discuss how they felt about it.</p><p>Give your child some responsibility to help guide younger siblings,</p><p>cousins, friends, or neighbours. Teaching others is a great way to</p><p>solidify their own knowledge or mastery.</p><p>Expect mistakes! Setbacks are inevitable, and part of the learning</p><p>process. This is where a break from the phone is a good idea.</p><p>WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD SEEMS TO HAVE A TECH</p><p>ADDICTION</p><p>1. Know the Risk Factors</p><p>You might have a gut feeling that your child’s relationship to the digital</p><p>media in their life may be harming them. Studies suggest that those prone to</p><p>addiction may have the following identifiable risk factors. Does your child</p><p>have any of the qualities that might predispose them to addiction?</p><p>Difficulty creating and maintaining relationships with their peers</p><p>Frequent feelings of social isolation or loneliness</p><p>Mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, or psychosis</p><p>Impulse control problems such as anger management or attention</p><p>deficit</p><p>Addictions, such as alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, or gambling</p><p>problems</p><p>If you see some of the above risk factors in your child, it doesn’t</p><p>necessarily mean they’re struggling with addiction, but it does mean that</p><p>they could have a higher chance of developing addictive patterns in the</p><p>future. Use this knowledge to inform the way you monitor their tech</p><p>use,</p><p>and pay close attention to their behaviour.</p><p>2. Observe for Signs and Symptoms</p><p>The next step is to observe for signs and symptoms. With tech addiction,</p><p>there are many physical and behavioural signs you can keep watch for to</p><p>determine whether your child’s usage might teeter into more problematic</p><p>territory. In addition to the telltale signs of addiction we discussed earlier in</p><p>the chapter—craving, loss of control, compulsion to use, and use despite the</p><p>consequences—check to see whether your child is exhibiting any of the</p><p>following symptoms of tech addiction:</p><p>Eyes glued to the screen</p><p>No natural movements over a prolonged period of time (neck bent</p><p>down, stiff posture, no change when nudged)</p><p>Resistance to putting screens away</p><p>Angry or defensive reaction when someone comments on their</p><p>behaviour</p><p>Delaying the basics of life, such as food, water, movement, exercise,</p><p>sleep, real-life social connection, and even elimination</p><p>Negligence of personal care (brushing teeth, showering, etc.)</p><p>Family conflict over screens</p><p>Withdrawal from previously enjoyed positive activities</p><p>Social isolation</p><p>Feelings of anxiety or depression when they’re away from screens</p><p>Constant thinking about getting back to screens when they’re away</p><p>from them</p><p>Taking steps to hide the extent of internet or gaming use</p><p>3. Talk to Your Child in a Calm, Collaborative Way</p><p>Talking to your child is a great way to learn more about how they feel about</p><p>their own technology use. And when you approach them in a calm,</p><p>collaborative way, with genuine interest, and really listen to their responses,</p><p>you might be surprised by some of the things they’ll tell you. If your child</p><p>appears to have trouble with self-regulation and you want to learn more, try</p><p>asking some of the following questions:</p><p>Do you find you’re thinking about gaming/social media more than</p><p>you’d like to?</p><p>Is it hard not to play/use even though you may not want to (for</p><p>example, you want to do your homework but you’re craving to</p><p>game/check social media)?</p><p>When you can’t play or be on social media, do you find yourself in a</p><p>bad mood, anxious, irritable, or bored?</p><p>When you’re in a bad mood, do you turn to the screens to solve your</p><p>problems?</p><p>Do you stay on screens for longer periods of time than you mean to?</p><p>Do you try to decrease your screen time over and over again, only to</p><p>fail?</p><p>Do you have any physical symptoms from being online so much</p><p>(backache, eye strain)?</p><p>Do you have any problems with your school or extracurriculars due to</p><p>your screen use?</p><p>Do you have any problems with relationships with family or friends</p><p>due to your screen use?</p><p>If you’ve identified any risk factors, or observed signs or symptoms of</p><p>addiction, or your child has answered yes to any of the above questions, I</p><p>strongly suggest further evaluation, ideally with a health care professional.</p><p>If you feel you’re confronting a problem with addiction—or potential</p><p>addiction—read on to learn more about how to help your child reduce their</p><p>tech use.</p><p>HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD COME OFF ADDICTIVE TECH</p><p>Many parents tell me that the most important step in helping their child was</p><p>simply making the decision to do something in a firm and compassionate</p><p>way. They worked hard to balance love with limits and firmness with</p><p>flexibility, wrapping loving arms around their child while removing devices</p><p>from the home. We kept our Xbox at my husband’s office for many weeks</p><p>the summer Fortnite came out, eliminating the temptation to play—and that</p><p>one act ended a lot of family conflict, restored balance to our home, and</p><p>possibly thwarted a future issue with addiction.</p><p>As an addiction psychiatrist who’s worked closely with children, teens,</p><p>and young adults for over twenty years, I wholeheartedly believe that</p><p>addiction can be overcome—especially in young people. It’s a highly</p><p>stigmatized and misunderstood phenomenon, which accounts for some of</p><p>the barriers to treatment. Yet time and again, I’ve seen young people</p><p>persevere as parents step in, families come together, and brains rewire.</p><p>Early intervention is highly effective, so please don’t hesitate to discuss</p><p>your concerns with a professional, even if you feel they may be overblown.</p><p>If you’re concerned about overuse of addictive technology, try using my</p><p>six-week, six-step plan (this page) to help your child evaluate their tech</p><p>habits and rebalance their use. In more extreme cases professional help will</p><p>be required, but whether your child is gradually reducing the use of</p><p>problematic tech or coming off it cold turkey, they’ll need your support. In</p><p>general, it takes the average person ninety days of consistent change to</p><p>rewire a habit. Thus, it could take three months of hard work for your child</p><p>to fully come off an addiction to gaming or screens. After that, things will</p><p>get easier, but they will still need support to stay in control and resist the</p><p>triggers of regular life.</p><p>Before you get started, remember to do the following.</p><p>—</p><p>Ask for help: It’s hard to treat a true addiction without professional help or</p><p>intensive peer support. A counsellor, family doctor, or psychiatrist may be</p><p>helpful in assessing for any underlying medical or mental health issues, and</p><p>will be an essential support if you have concerns regarding safety (suicidal</p><p>thoughts, self-harm), violence, running away, and any mental health issues</p><p>that may be co-occurring. Be open to such approaches as residential</p><p>treatment, one-on-one counselling, group therapy, and medication. I often</p><p>prescribe children and teens a variety of therapies and non-addictive</p><p>medication for withdrawal, addiction, or mental health treatment, and it can</p><p>be very helpful.</p><p>In particular, online porn or gambling addictions are best managed with</p><p>the help of specialized treatment professionals (as I mentioned earlier in my</p><p>discussion of porn). There are a variety of specific interventions for each,</p><p>and a professional in your area can help you find the best option for you.</p><p>—</p><p>Expect withdrawal symptoms: Withdrawal symptoms are the opposite of</p><p>a high. Explain to your children that if tech is helping them relax, cope with</p><p>stress, or connect with friends, they may initially feel more anxious,</p><p>stressed, agitated, and disconnected as they come off that technology.</p><p>—</p><p>Find peer support: Peer support was such an essential part of Kyle’s and</p><p>Alexander’s recovery because it’s highly effective. Finding other people</p><p>who are experiencing the same issues will help your child deal with feelings</p><p>of shame, guilt, and anger. They’ll hear valuable stories of, and ideas about,</p><p>what worked for recovery and what led others to relapse. Most importantly,</p><p>they’ll have access to a group of people who understand them and can</p><p>provide support along the way.</p><p>—</p><p>Change the environment: Depending on the severity of their addiction, it</p><p>may be hard for your child to remain in the same environment owing to the</p><p>triggers it holds. So it may be helpful to change that environment. You</p><p>might try changing or reorganizing their bedroom or the basement and</p><p>removing the problematic technology from the home if you can. You might</p><p>also consider having them stay temporarily with a relative or close friend.</p><p>Your child might benefit from weekends at grandparents, and if it’s</p><p>summertime, you might take advantage of a sleep-away camp. Getting</p><p>involved in a previously loved hobby or sport or finding a new one can also</p><p>help immensely.</p><p>I once had a patient whose triggers included the smell of pizza, his</p><p>basement, hip hop music, and certain clothing. Any of these would lead to</p><p>cravings. We had to change his basement bedroom, detox him from all</p><p>screens for two weeks (other than monitored homework), then slowly, over</p><p>three months, reintroduce healthy, productive screen time in a new</p><p>environment.</p><p>—</p><p>Reintroduce tech under close monitoring: After the withdrawal period is</p><p>over, your child will need help creating new habits for all the emotions and</p><p>situations in which they previously relied on tech. For example, if they used</p><p>tech to cope with stress, they’ll need to learn coping skills (this page). Your</p><p>child will also need</p><p>help staying off their well-worn neural trails (their old</p><p>habits) that are craving to be used. Again, education, professional help,</p><p>coping skills, peer support, recreational activities, and time are essential for</p><p>their staying clean while you reintroduce technology in a slow, closely</p><p>monitored way.</p><p>4</p><p>STRESSED: Cortisol and Moving Your Child from Survival</p><p>Mode to Growth Mode</p><p>All that we are is a result of what we have thought.</p><p>—LORD BUDDHA</p><p>“EVERYONE IS ALWAYS on their phones—on the school bus, during break,</p><p>even in class,” my thirteen-year-old patient Chen recently told me,</p><p>describing how lonely school had become. “No one talks anymore,” she</p><p>added. “Ever.”</p><p>At lunch, Chen sits with her best friends. But they rarely speak, she says.</p><p>Like the other teens and tweens at their middle school, they spend the break</p><p>glued to their phones, silently swiping left and right, opening and closing</p><p>TikTok, YouTube, and Snapchat, smiling at the dramas soundlessly playing</p><p>out on their glowing screens.</p><p>Checking social media is the first thing Chen does when she wakes up in</p><p>the morning, before she even goes to the bathroom. And it’s the last thing</p><p>she does at night as she’s scrolling herself to sleep. She spent almost the</p><p>entire summer before grade eight in her room, curled up in bed with her</p><p>phone, swiping, liking, posting, commenting. She barely saw any of her old</p><p>neighbourhood friends. She didn’t have time for them. Her online social life</p><p>had become all-consuming.</p><p>This is middle school in the smartphone era.</p><p>IS SOCIAL MEDIA MAKING YOUR TEEN FEEL STRESSED AND</p><p>LONELY?</p><p>Of all the tech trends that have shaped the world in recent years, few have</p><p>had a larger impact than social media. And perhaps none have had such a</p><p>dramatic impact on the mental health of adolescents. When it was first</p><p>emerging, social media seemed to offer a space where everyone could share</p><p>in one another’s experiences. But what began as a dream of a more</p><p>connected world has, for some young people, led instead to feelings of</p><p>exclusion, stress, crippling loneliness, anxiety, and depression.</p><p>Growing up in the 1980s, my friends and I would occasionally comment</p><p>on how we wanted a better body after seeing pictures of celebs in bikinis on</p><p>TV or pop magazines. Some Mondays, I wished I’d been invited to that fun</p><p>party over the weekend that everyone seemed to be talking about. But there</p><p>was a limit to how much I could see and hear about what the cool kids were</p><p>up to. I still had my small group of friends, and we’d all walk to the local 7-</p><p>Eleven during lunch, laughing and bugging each other. With social media,</p><p>though, today’s teens can endlessly obsess over their classmates’</p><p>adventurous vacations, their fit, beautiful bodies, the latest fashions. They</p><p>often can’t help it, especially when their Instagram feed is filled with fake</p><p>and filtered photos and their friends and classmates spend lunch and breaks</p><p>staring into their phones.</p><p>I’ve already mentioned the acronym that captures this very phenomenon:</p><p>FOMO, or fear of missing out—a kind of silent suffering that comes from</p><p>witnessing the great times your friends and peers are having without you.</p><p>The ready access to our friends’ filtered lives leads us to compare our drab</p><p>existence to the false glamour of everyone else’s life. Social media helps</p><p>exacerbate painful feelings of exclusion, loneliness, insecurity, scarcity, and</p><p>even shame to levels that most adults have never experienced. Yet few</p><p>teenagers have developed the emotional resources needed to cope with the</p><p>onslaught of FOMO and the insecurity that often comes with scrolling</p><p>through their social media feeds.</p><p>On social media, spaces where people are forever comparing themselves</p><p>to others, the messages young teens are too often internalizing are</p><p>distressingly familiar:</p><p>Everyone is smarter than I am.</p><p>Everyone is prettier than I am.</p><p>Everyone is more popular than I am.</p><p>Everyone is richer than I am.</p><p>Everyone is happier than I am.</p><p>The list goes on…</p><p>This type of thinking will often leave young people feeling bad about</p><p>themselves, anxious about their imperfect clothes, parents, friends, social</p><p>lives. They worry that their night out or vacation pics won’t measure up.</p><p>The space also enables a sense of false intimacy and a worrying lack of</p><p>accountability. You can delete someone. You can disappear. The community</p><p>feels real until suddenly it’s not. It can leave you feeling empty and alone.</p><p>Chen, my patient in middle school, tells me she no longer feels like a kid</p><p>anymore. In grade six, when all her friends had phones with Snapchat and</p><p>Instagram—even though none of them were above the thirteen-year-old age</p><p>limit the sites require of users—she stopped doing everything she used to</p><p>love: skipping rope at recess, building forts, playing with slime, doing</p><p>cartwheels on her lawn. When she started seeing me later that year, she was</p><p>dealing with some very adult problems, including FOMO, anxiety,</p><p>depression, and suicidal thoughts.</p><p>Fifteen years ago it was still rare for me to see patients as young as Chen</p><p>exhibiting suicidal behaviour. But these days, she’s no longer an anomaly. I</p><p>have a half-dozen patients her age, some even younger.</p><p>The data supports what I’m seeing in my practice in Vancouver. In the</p><p>last decade, rates of depression, anxiety, body image issues, suicidal</p><p>behaviour, and self-inflicted injuries like cutting have rocketed upwards,</p><p>especially for girls aged ten to fourteen. This mirrors a worrying uptick in</p><p>these behaviours for older girls. The effects of social media aren’t limited to</p><p>girls, of course, but since they tend to be the primary users of social media,</p><p>its consequences are more pronounced among them. And as the typical age</p><p>when kids get their first phones has fallen to ten, we shouldn’t be surprised</p><p>to see children Chen’s age, members of what’s known as Generation Z,</p><p>beginning to exhibit psychiatric problems. In the sections ahead, I’ll explain</p><p>why.</p><p>WHAT IS HAPPENING TO GEN Z?</p><p>Jean Twenge, a professor of social psychology at San Diego State</p><p>University and a leading expert on generational differences, began noticing</p><p>abrupt shifts in the behaviours and emotional states of adolescent girls. At</p><p>first, she and other researchers thought these were blips. But the trends</p><p>persisted across several years. And, as she writes in her book iGen, in all</p><p>her analyses of generational data—some reaching back to the 1930s—she’d</p><p>never seen anything like it.</p><p>Twenge was initially skeptical of those blaming internet use for all that</p><p>ailed Generation Z: it seemed “too easy an explanation for negative mental-</p><p>health outcomes in teens, and there wasn’t much evidence for it,” she</p><p>writes. But the more she looked for explanations, the more she kept</p><p>returning to two distinct, apparently unconnected trend lines: the rise in</p><p>adolescent mental health problems and smartphone adoption.</p><p>The sudden spike in rates of loneliness, depression, and suicidal</p><p>behaviour in girls began in 2012. This happened to coincide with the</p><p>moment smartphones reached market saturation, with more than 50 percent</p><p>of Americans reporting owning one. The U.S. data also showed steep</p><p>declines in the number of hours teens were spending with friends and</p><p>romantic partners:</p><p>Roughly 85 percent of both boomers and Gen Xers went on dates when</p><p>they were in grade twelve. By 2015, just 56 percent did.</p><p>In the late 1970s, 52 percent of twelfth graders got together with their</p><p>friends almost every day. By 2017, just 28 percent did. The drop was</p><p>especially pronounced after 2010.</p><p>Among twelfth graders, 39 percent said they often felt lonely in 2017,</p><p>up from 26 percent in 2012.</p><p>And 38 percent said they often felt left out in 2017, up from 30 percent</p><p>in 2012.</p><p>Just when teens began spending more time on their phones and on social</p><p>media and less time with their pals IRL, alarming trends in adolescent</p><p>mental health were being noted not just by researchers but by psychiatrists</p><p>like me. This change was far more pronounced in girls than in boys:</p><p>Depression in teen girls increased by 50 percent between 2012 and</p><p>2015. In boys, the jump was 21 percent.</p><p>Suicidal behaviours in girls have increased by 70 percent since 2010.</p><p>For boys, the increase has been 25 percent.</p><p>Over the last ten years, 62 percent more girls aged fifteen to nineteen</p><p>were admitted to hospital for self-harm.</p><p>For girls in the ten-to-fourteen age group, hospital admissions spiked</p><p>by 189 percent.</p><p>These trends aren’t limited to teens. University-aged young adults have</p><p>also been impacted:</p><p>The proportion of incoming first-year students who reported feeling</p><p>“overwhelmed” rose to 41 percent in 2017, up from 29 percent in 2010.</p><p>Depression and suicide clearly have many causes, and so understanding</p><p>why adolescents are suddenly battling disturbingly high rates of loneliness,</p><p>anxiety, suicide, and depression presents a challenge to researchers. They</p><p>can point to correlations, but not to causes. Still, the fact that these were</p><p>massive jumps that occurred over a relatively short time frame helps narrow</p><p>the potential causes.</p><p>Anxiety and depression existed long before Instagram. But the round-the-</p><p>clock responding to Snaps, posting to social media, and obsessively</p><p>following the beautiful, filtered exploits of their peers isn’t something Gen</p><p>Xers had to cope with. Even millennials didn’t have to learn how to deal</p><p>with this new reality until they were young adults.</p><p>I’ve started treating very young female patients with body image</p><p>disorders, anorexia, and bulimia. And I believe selfie culture is a big part of</p><p>the reason for this. It brings more exposure and more scrutiny to girls at</p><p>increasingly young ages. By the time they’re ten, children are starting to</p><p>congregate on social media. And unless you’ve got rock-solid self-esteem,</p><p>are impervious to jealousy, and have an extraordinarily rational capacity to</p><p>remind yourself exactly what everyone is doing when they post their glories</p><p>on social media, it’s difficult not to care. In her book The Happiness Effect:</p><p>How Social Media Is Driving a Generation to Appear Perfect at Any Cost,</p><p>Donna Freitas calls Facebook the “CNN of envy,” a kind of “24/7 news</p><p>cycle of who’s cool, who’s not, who’s up and who’s down.” Social media</p><p>may be just one factor, but it’s clearly playing a role in declining adolescent</p><p>mental health.</p><p>GIRLS ARE FROM INSTAGRAM, BOYS ARE FROM XBOX</p><p>Most kids growing up today are attached to their screens. But as some of</p><p>the stats I cited above suggest, when it comes to problem tech use, there’s a</p><p>clear gender divide. And while social media is having an outsized impact on</p><p>girls’ body image and rates of depression and anxiety, boys are far more</p><p>likely to develop media addictions, especially to video games.</p><p>As we saw in the preceding chapter, developers know that teenagers have</p><p>a developmentally skewed drive to gain admiration from peers through</p><p>abilities and accomplishments, which is why they build rewards into games,</p><p>like coins, cash boxes, and levelling up—carefully curated hits of dopamine</p><p>that keep boys playing games for hours on end. And as these games are</p><p>becoming more advanced, more immersive, more social, and more mobile,</p><p>rates of gaming addiction among boys are soaring.</p><p>Gender isn’t binary, of course, and girls, too, are at risk of developing</p><p>gaming addictions, just as social media can make boys more susceptible to</p><p>depression and other problems. But these research findings help us</p><p>understand the risk factors for depression, self-harm, suicidal thinking,</p><p>general misery, and loss of potential.</p><p>THE STRESS RESPONSE</p><p>The first thing to understand is that stress is an excellent thing when our life</p><p>is threatened—and toxic when it’s not. Adolescence is already a period of</p><p>potential intense stress. The way teenagers respond to toxic tech is adding</p><p>even more to the already hefty stress load they’re coping with. The other</p><p>thing to know is that adversity is a natural part of their lives. New</p><p>experiences, transitions, deadlines, and pressure can all evoke feelings of</p><p>uncertainty, anxiety, overwhelm, and dread. Learning to cope with this and</p><p>with life’s ups and downs is an essential part of growing up. Suffering,</p><p>however, is not.</p><p>Have you ever wondered what’s going on inside your child’s mind as</p><p>they scroll through social media or go down the rabbit hole of a first-person</p><p>shooter game, all the while growing more remote, irritable, and stressed</p><p>out? Your child’s brain is constantly scanning the environment for threats</p><p>and communicating with other systems of their body and mind to determine</p><p>how to handle them. When your child’s brain perceives a threat, it sends an</p><p>alarm signal to the two walnut-sized adrenal glands sitting above the</p><p>kidneys. Akin to suddenly flooring the gas pedal, this signal induces a surge</p><p>of adrenalin and cortisol—the body’s natural emergency sirens—that allow</p><p>the body to spring into action with a burst of energy. These two hormones</p><p>activate the fear centre to try to protect us from danger.</p><p>Adrenalin works in the short term, while cortisol’s effects are longer</p><p>lasting. Adrenalin causes our children’s hearts to beat faster and divert</p><p>blood in preparation for the “freeze, fight, or flight” response I talked about</p><p>earlier. This is the body’s protective response to stress, and it’s designed to</p><p>help your child respond to imminent danger. Their breathing will quicken</p><p>and become shallow and their blood sugar levels will rise as they prepare to</p><p>deal with a threat. The short-term release of adrenalin is actually good for</p><p>your children—when, and only when, they’re facing danger. It increases</p><p>their vigilance and energy levels, improves their memory, and redirects</p><p>blood flow to fuel their muscles, heart, and brain. Every human body on the</p><p>planet reacts similarly when they sense a threat.</p><p>STRESS IN RESPONSE TO A LIFE-THREATENING SITUATION = A HEALTHY</p><p>RESPONSE</p><p>Freeze: Your body is telling you to stop, hide, and listen for a bear in the bushes.</p><p>Fight: Your body is telling you to fight off an angry dog that’s biting you.</p><p>Flight: Your body is telling you to run fast to escape the tiger chasing you.</p><p>Although the occasional release of adrenalin and cortisol to avoid danger</p><p>is key to your child’s survival, a sustained release of the hormones</p><p>associated with the stress response can have serious consequences on their</p><p>physical and mental health. Over time, excessive cortisol release can lead to</p><p>poor sleep, anxiety, and depression. It can also lead to a suppressed immune</p><p>system, intestinal problems, muscle wasting, reduced bone formation and</p><p>stunted growth, and disruption of the brain’s developing architecture.</p><p>Humans, unique among the species, have evolved a “thinking brain”—</p><p>which is why we’re the only species that can trigger the stress response</p><p>through our thoughts alone. I like to compare the way the brain works to a</p><p>computer operating system. In a stressful situation, when your brain is</p><p>suddenly flooded with cortisol, it seizes up the way a computer sometimes</p><p>does when you have too many windows and programs open. Then comes</p><p>the annoying blue spinning ball (freeze). That causes you to get angry</p><p>(fight). Or, you turn it off and walk away (flight). In short, we don’t need an</p><p>actual life-threatening situation to send us into survival mode. We can think</p><p>ourselves into releasing adrenalin and cortisol by scrolling through</p><p>Instagram, by playing a video game, or just by being distracted all the time.</p><p>And in the context of our day-to-day lives, this is an unhealthy stress</p><p>response.</p><p>STRESS FROM THOUGHTS ALONE = AN UNHEALTHY RESPONSE</p><p>Freeze: Your mind reacts to stress with anxiety, procrastination, avoidance, and</p><p>indecision.</p><p>Fight: Your mind responds to stress with irritability, anger, rage, or passive-</p><p>aggressive resistance, including oppositional behaviour or stubbornness.</p><p>Flight: Your mind reacts to stress by mentally escaping, either through</p><p>distractions—repetitively checking social media, playing a video game, shopping</p><p>online—or using a substance.</p><p>Although today we’ve experienced far fewer famines and wars than in</p><p>centuries past, a shift in societal values and unhealthy lifestyles has</p><p>increased</p><p>and</p><p>social connection. This intense developmental period of reward for risk,</p><p>novelty, and admiration, combined with undeveloped neurologic programs</p><p>for long-term planning and appreciation of consequences, can make for a</p><p>recipe of confusion, hardship, and even devastation. In addition, the</p><p>dizzying pace of new apps, platforms, and devices coming onto the market</p><p>makes it difficult, if not impossible, to do the research and provide our teens</p><p>with timely advice.</p><p>Part of our job as parents and educators is to prepare our kids for the</p><p>world they’re about to enter. To set them up for a lifetime of healthy eating</p><p>habits, for example, we monitor their diets and help them understand the</p><p>difference between good and bad foods. It’s time to begin doing the same</p><p>thing with tech—that is, start young, and help kids understand the link</p><p>between the tech they’re consuming and how they think, feel, and behave.</p><p>We need to teach them that brain-boosting tech, just like brain-boosting</p><p>foods, will lead to greater health and happiness. That toxic tech, including</p><p>certain video games and social media platforms, can make them feel sad</p><p>and anxious. And that a little bit of junk tech, whether it’s a video game or a</p><p>silly TV show, just like occasional junk food, won’t kill them!</p><p>To know how to guide your children towards healthy, balanced</p><p>technology use, it’s essential to understand how kids metabolize tech—how</p><p>different media and apps are getting their attention, how they’re making</p><p>them feel, and how they’re changing their brains and behaviours. This is</p><p>exactly what you’ll learn in this book. And I promise, it’s not as daunting as</p><p>it sounds.</p><p>HOW TO USE THIS BOOK</p><p>Whether you’re a parent, stepparent, grandparent, foster parent, teacher,</p><p>therapist, coach, or any other significant person in a child’s life, this book is</p><p>for you. For simplicity’s sake, I tend to rely on the word “parent”</p><p>throughout, but make no mistake—I’m addressing any of you who are</p><p>doing the hard, critical work of raising, supporting, and nurturing kids!</p><p>Although the science of, and practices for, optimizing the human brain</p><p>presented in this book are universal to any age group, I focus particularly on</p><p>the period between birth and young adulthood up to age twenty-five. This is</p><p>the scientifically identified period of peak brain development, with dramatic</p><p>changes occurring during puberty. Sometimes, for example when I’m</p><p>talking about video games or social media, you might find that my advice is</p><p>tailored to children in their preteen and teen years. Other times you might</p><p>find that some of the solutions are aimed at a younger age group. But that</p><p>shouldn’t ever stop you from tailoring my suggestions to suit your child and</p><p>the stage they’re in. You know best how to talk to your child, how to adjust</p><p>the conversation as they grow and change. The suggestions in this book are</p><p>meant to be building blocks, so you’ll get the best results if you continue to</p><p>work with your child and build on these suggestions year after year.</p><p>In the following pages I’ll simplify the neuroscientific foundation for The</p><p>Tech Solution and give you a variety of strategies to guide your child</p><p>towards it. My goal is to equip you with the knowledge you can use to steer</p><p>your child away from technology that leaves them feeling stressed, grumpy,</p><p>addicted, anxious, and depressed and towards a healthier tech diet that will</p><p>boost their creativity, health, happiness, and connection with others.</p><p>As I like to remind parents, we don’t need to fear technology’s potential</p><p>to harm our children. Indeed, if you follow the solutions outlined in this</p><p>book, your kids will learn to use tech in healthy, empowering ways that will</p><p>help them adapt to whatever life throws their way. As we learned during the</p><p>COVID-19 pandemic, healthy tech use can be a crucial part of thriving in</p><p>our modern world.</p><p>Chapter 1 introduces the science of how technology is impacting the</p><p>developing brain, with implications for children’s health, behaviours, and</p><p>character traits. Chapter 2 explores how habits established in childhood lay</p><p>the foundation for your children’s future behaviours. I explain how</p><p>important it is to take advantage of their formative years to guide them</p><p>towards establishing the healthiest habits you can.</p><p>Chapter 3 is where we start to unpack how, precisely, technology is</p><p>affecting our children’s brains and how we can work to manage those</p><p>effects. Here we’ll investigate the ways video games, social media, gadgets,</p><p>and apps are engineered to keep young brains glued to their screens by</p><p>finding ways to reward them with hits of dopamine. But in equipping you</p><p>with an understanding of how addiction and reward cycles work, I can teach</p><p>you to help protect your children from addictive tech. Chapter 4 delves into</p><p>the dangers of screens on the developing brain. I expose the many ways</p><p>technology is triggering toxic levels of stress and anxiety in children by</p><p>prompting release of the hormone cortisol. You’ll understand the stress</p><p>response and how to recognize it in your child, and learn ways to guide</p><p>your child towards positive coping skills.</p><p>The effects of technology, however, aren’t all bad, and when used in the</p><p>right ways, technology can be beneficial. In Chapter 5 we learn how to help</p><p>our kids improve their mental, physical, and spiritual health. Fitness</p><p>trackers, gratitude apps, and music playlists are part of the answer. But we</p><p>also need to push them to make changes to their offline routines. Chapter 6</p><p>explores the fundamental human need to bond and the exciting ways tech</p><p>can help kids connect and even reverse frightening new trends in teen</p><p>loneliness and depression. In Chapter 7 we learn how tech can help kids</p><p>feed their talents, foster creativity, and find their purpose through</p><p>developing their identities and individual talents.</p><p>Then, having covered how tech is impacting your child’s emotions and</p><p>behaviour, I pull it all together in Chapter 8 to provide you with a practical</p><p>six-step plan for tackling the most important parenting issue of our time.</p><p>Finally, we look ahead in Chapter 9 and consider how to equip kids to</p><p>thrive in an era of digital disruption. This means teaching them to think</p><p>critically and to be conscious and adaptive.</p><p>—</p><p>In this way, you will deepen your understanding of how the technology</p><p>your children are consuming affects them and learn how to establish a</p><p>healthy tech diet for your family. The key to thriving in a digital world is to</p><p>know ourselves. And I mean really know ourselves—how our human</p><p>bodies and minds actually work. What makes us happy, stressed, desperate,</p><p>elated. That knowledge will help us take care of ourselves in a new,</p><p>powerful way and teach our children to do the same. And from this place of</p><p>knowing and loving we can unleash a new energy of creativity, joy, and</p><p>fulfillment for our children and ourselves. The Tech Solution provides the</p><p>framework, neuroscience, and guidance for this process. Just as a small</p><p>seed grows into a giant oak tree, there is the potential in all of us to grow</p><p>and flourish. And in this ever-changing modern world, our relationship with</p><p>technology will be a key aspect of that growth.</p><p>1</p><p>DISRUPTION: How Technology Is Affecting Your Child’s</p><p>Brain and Behaviour</p><p>God only knows what it’s doing to our children’s brains.</p><p>—Sean Parker, founding president of Facebook</p><p>I WAS OUT FOR DINNER with my family when I noticed a familiar but</p><p>unsettling scene. First it was the sweet young couple next to us who pulled</p><p>out their smartphones before even scanning the menu. Throughout the meal</p><p>they kept returning to their phones.</p><p>Still, they were far more engaged than a nearby family of three. Father</p><p>and son seemed to spend more time on their digital devices than they did</p><p>listening or talking, leaving Mom mostly alone with her thoughts. And a</p><p>little way off, even a curly-haired toddler in overalls was hunched over a</p><p>tablet—her parent’s, or perhaps even her own. A perfect coda to the</p><p>evening came just before we left, when a teenager, walking with his eyes</p><p>glued to his phone, crashed</p><p>stress levels. And in the long term, stress can kill us by activating</p><p>diseases like mental illness, heart disease, and cancer. This is why the WHO</p><p>has declared stress the number one health epidemic of the twenty-first</p><p>century.</p><p>SURVIVAL MODE VERSUS GROWTH MODE</p><p>The human body comes equipped with a complex web of nerves known as</p><p>the autonomic nervous system. It regulates our heart rate, breathing, blood</p><p>pressure, and more. This system has two components.</p><p>The sympathetic nervous system prepares the body for an intense</p><p>physical reaction to respond to a threat. We’re said to be in “survival mode”</p><p>when this system is activated. All the body’s energy is diverted to help us</p><p>freeze, fight, or flee in order to survive. When we’re in this state, it’s not</p><p>possible for us to grow, learn, recover, adapt, or innovate.</p><p>These activities can occur only when we’re in “growth mode,” when the</p><p>parasympathetic nervous system is activated. This system can function only</p><p>when we’re not stressed. It works best when we’re feeling relaxed and</p><p>calm.</p><p>Young people start running into serious problems when they repeatedly</p><p>trigger their sympathetic nervous system (and go into survival mode) for</p><p>reasons that aren’t life threatening. That is, when they experience chronic,</p><p>daily stress.</p><p>Certain apps, games, and websites are constantly triggering anxiety and</p><p>fear in your children—that they aren’t cool enough, pretty enough, skinny</p><p>enough, witty enough. That they’re missing out on a hangout or were</p><p>deliberately not invited. These constant spurts of the stress response are</p><p>flooding developing brains with toxic levels of cortisol.</p><p>This repeated triggering is also building stress as a habit by strengthening</p><p>its associated neural trails. As we’ve learned, the more neural trails are</p><p>developed, the more easily triggered they can be. Remember, the pathways</p><p>your children walk on create the lives they lead.</p><p>On top of that, “hyperarousal,” an abnormally heightened state of</p><p>anxiety, suppresses the brain’s frontal lobe, the area where mood regulation</p><p>takes place. This state of heightened arousal makes it hard for young people</p><p>to control their feelings. They might become anxious and indecisive</p><p>(freeze). Or they might lash out at Mom when she tries to limit their screen</p><p>time (fight). Or they might turn to obsessive gaming, or social media use, or</p><p>substance use (flight). These are all reactions to stress. They’re signs of a</p><p>brain under too much strain, and they need to be addressed.</p><p>Even though checking out and distraction have practically become the</p><p>norm, these aren’t healthy responses in daily life. When your child is</p><p>checking out, they’re not actually processing their thoughts and emotions;</p><p>they’re repressing or avoiding them. They’re in flight mode. They miss out</p><p>on the chance to identify, understand, manage, and communicate how they</p><p>feel. This is known as “emotional regulation,” and it’s an essential life skill</p><p>that’s linked to health, happiness, and success.</p><p>Repressed emotions can lead to more stress and more distraction.</p><p>Eventually, the child who uses tech to cope with life stress can become</p><p>overwhelmed with anxiety, anger, and distraction, and will have trouble</p><p>coping with real life. Their grades may drop; they may lose interest in</p><p>sports. Their relationships can suffer.</p><p>TECH AND HIDDEN STRESS</p><p>In addition to FOMO, social comparisons, poor time management,</p><p>loneliness, distraction, and body image disturbances, there are many</p><p>common behaviours associated with tech that we may not associate with</p><p>stress.</p><p>But the behaviours listed below can indeed trigger the stress response in</p><p>your child, especially when they engage in more than one simultaneously,</p><p>which is often the case when kids are using technology. These behaviours</p><p>can trick your child’s brain into thinking they’re responding to a threat,</p><p>thereby tripping the sympathetic nervous system. Some of them—being</p><p>sedentary, say, or not making eye contact—may not seem obviously</p><p>stressful. However, you have to remember that your child’s paleolithic brain</p><p>doesn’t know the difference between sitting for prolonged periods of time</p><p>in a cave or sitting for prolonged periods of time playing a video game.</p><p>Their neurons just know that they’re not moving and wonder why. Is there a</p><p>predator nearby? A hurricane coming? This sends a loud signal to their</p><p>system: Danger! The brain mistakenly believes it must be under threat and</p><p>initiates the stress response.</p><p>LITTLE-KNOWN STRESS TRIGGERS</p><p>Sleep deprivation: Our neurons don’t realize that we’re staying up all night</p><p>because we’re on the internet. They think there’s too much danger around to</p><p>sleep.</p><p>Sedentary behaviour: A twelve-year study of more than twelve thousand people</p><p>recently found that those who spend most of their time sitting are 50 percent</p><p>more likely to die earlier than those who sit the least, even after controlling for</p><p>age, smoking, and physical activity levels.</p><p>Sitting crouched or hunched over a laptop: Our rounded shoulders and flexed</p><p>neck signal to our neurons that we’re hiding from danger in a cave.</p><p>A lack of eye contact: Our neurons don’t know why we’re isolated and not</p><p>seeing any other people. We must be in danger!</p><p>WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH NEGATIVITY BIAS, TOO?</p><p>As if all this weren’t enough, teens also have to deal with the built-in</p><p>human negativity bias: the tendency to focus more on the negatives than the</p><p>positives. If you’ve ever found yourself dwelling on an insult someone</p><p>levelled at you, a mistake you made at the office, a fast-approaching</p><p>deadline, or a tough conversation you need to have, you’ve experienced the</p><p>phenomenon. Simply put, negative events have a much larger impact on our</p><p>minds than do positive ones. It’s why social scientists have found that it</p><p>takes five compliments to make up for one criticism. And this negativity</p><p>bias has a powerful effect on behaviour and decision making.</p><p>It makes evolutionary sense to focus on the potential for problems,</p><p>especially when there are sabre-toothed tigers wandering around the veld.</p><p>It’s what wired our brains this way. The problem is, the more we walk on</p><p>these “negativity trails,” the greater our risk of developing negative thinking</p><p>habits, also known as “thinking traps.” I’ve listed some of the more</p><p>common ones below. If you have a teenager, you might want to review</p><p>them together. I’ll bet you recognize each other in them!</p><p>—</p><p>Mental filter: You filter out the positive and focus only on the negative.</p><p>For example: You post a new photo to Instagram and receive ten</p><p>compliments. The one snarky remark is the one you focus on.</p><p>—</p><p>Jumping to conclusions: You interpret things negatively when there are no</p><p>facts to support your conclusion. For example: You assume your friends are</p><p>angry with you because no one has texted you recently.</p><p>—</p><p>Black and white thinking: You see things as all or nothing—there’s no in</p><p>between. For example: If you don’t get enough likes on your new Facebook</p><p>profile pic, you conclude that the photo must be ugly. You don’t consider</p><p>that it’s a Sunday afternoon, that your friends might be out enjoying the sun,</p><p>and that many have deleted Facebook.</p><p>—</p><p>Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event, such as not being</p><p>invited to a chat group, as a never-ending pattern of defeat. You use words</p><p>like “I never get invited” or “I’m always left out.”</p><p>—</p><p>Mind reading: You tell yourself that someone is thinking negatively of you</p><p>or reacting negatively to you. For example: You interpret a one-word text as</p><p>an insult.</p><p>—</p><p>Personalization and blame: You hold yourself responsible for something</p><p>you can’t control. For example: You blame yourself when your best friend</p><p>isn’t invited to another friend’s chat group.</p><p>—</p><p>We all know from experience that although negative emotions like fear</p><p>and anger can well up in seconds, they tend to dwell within us far longer</p><p>than positive ones. Now think about your experiences online, where outrage</p><p>and extreme content often tends to dominate—where discussions often veer</p><p>into emotionally charged territory and where social media feeds leave</p><p>us</p><p>feeling left out and anxious. Positive stories aren’t the ones getting eyeballs.</p><p>As computer scientist Cal Newport writes in Digital Minimalism: Choosing</p><p>a Focused Life in a Noisy World, “For heavy internet users, repeated</p><p>interactions with this darkness can become a source of draining negativity</p><p>—a steep price that many don’t even realize they’re paying to support their</p><p>compulsive connectivity.”</p><p>STRESS VERSUS CHALLENGE</p><p>Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect your children to grow into adults</p><p>without seeing any negative content or experiencing adversity. And some of</p><p>that adversity will serve a purpose in their lives. For while chronic stress,</p><p>originating from the lower brain region, is bad for young, developing</p><p>brains, challenges are not. They push children to think, strategize, and</p><p>experiment in new ways. And it’s through this type of thinking, activated by</p><p>the higher cortical regions, that they learn to problem solve their way</p><p>through obstacles. This is why repetitive challenges are good for kids.</p><p>The best way to challenge a child is to guide them to pursue activities</p><p>within their “challenge zone,” the sweet spot nestled between what’s too</p><p>easy for them and what’s too hard. Such activities engage their prefrontal</p><p>cortex, the brain’s most evolved brain region; it’s known as the “thinking</p><p>centre.” Easy tasks don’t engage your child’s thinking centre very much.</p><p>Tasks that are too hard, meanwhile, can trip the brain’s limbic system, or</p><p>“feeling centre,” triggering the stress reaction. The challenge zone is where</p><p>learning and neuroplasticity occur. This is where children cut new neural</p><p>trails in their brains. This is where the magic happens.</p><p>WHY ARE CHALLENGES GOOD FOR KIDS?</p><p>They release dopamine, rewarding your child with a burst of pleasure.</p><p>They release serotonin, flooding them with feelings of confidence and happiness.</p><p>They activate and work out their brains’ frontal lobe—the thinking centre, the</p><p>area involved in important cognitive skills like judgment, memory, language,</p><p>emotional expression, planning, goal setting, and problem solving.</p><p>They strengthen the brain in the same way that running or cycling strengthens</p><p>their leg muscles.</p><p>They train kids to learn to pivot, adapt, and rebound from failure.</p><p>THE LAST THING TEEN BRAINS NEED IS MORE STRESS!</p><p>As you may have observed in your own teenager, it doesn’t take much time</p><p>scrolling through social media to throw a sensitive, still developing mind</p><p>off track. It’s important to remember that adolescence also happens to be a</p><p>developmental moment of peak stress. The brain is sorting out a number of</p><p>things, among them identity, relationships, and sexuality. So with already so</p><p>many changes in the average teen’s life, engaging with certain tech</p><p>heightens this period of peak stress to an unprecedented degree.</p><p>New research has found that adult and teen brains process information</p><p>differently. We adults tend to think with our fully developed prefrontal</p><p>cortex, the rational, thinking part of the brain. (Which doesn’t mean we</p><p>always do, of course.) The prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed in teens,</p><p>however, which forces them to rely on the emotional, reactive part of the</p><p>brain. That’s why they need practice and help learning to self-regulate</p><p>(calm themselves down). They need your help to learn and use coping</p><p>skills, consider alternative actions, and adapt to new and sometimes</p><p>overwhelming situations.</p><p>In teenagers, the connections between the emotional or feeling part of the</p><p>brain (the limbic system) and its decision-making or thinking centre (the</p><p>prefrontal cortex) are still under construction. The neural bridge between</p><p>them hasn’t been fully connected. And the limbic system is still dominant.</p><p>Has your teenager ever had an explosive reaction to something only to later</p><p>have trouble explaining what exactly they were thinking? There’s a</p><p>neurological explanation for this. The dominant part of their brain took</p><p>over. They weren’t thinking so much as they were feeling and reacting. This</p><p>is also what makes adolescent brains so much more sensitive to tech use</p><p>than most of us parents realize.</p><p>No matter how well your teen can play soccer or how high they scored in</p><p>AP Physics, good judgment just isn’t something their brains can excel at.</p><p>Not yet. The cognitive-control networks in their prefrontal cortex are</p><p>undergoing rapid maturation. Full maturation won’t occur until they’re</p><p>twenty-four or twenty-five.</p><p>To make things worse, adolescence is a moment of heightened self-</p><p>consciousness. This is why your teen might seem so easily embarrassed. An</p><p>adolescent’s inner critic is constantly on high alert: Am I dressed funny? Did</p><p>I just say something stupid? How can I not know that? Why haven’t I done</p><p>that yet?</p><p>As we discussed in Chapter 3, the teenage brain is biochemically driven</p><p>by dopamine, the neurochemical of reward, to take risks, seek novelty, and</p><p>gain admiration from their peers. As kids enter their teens they’re looking to</p><p>strengthen and extend their networks of friends. Once upon a time, primates</p><p>had to venture outside their tribes in adolescence to find mates, and in</p><p>crossing the savannah they’d have to fend off any wild beasts they met</p><p>along the way. The reward for taking chances in such dangerous terrain was</p><p>novelty, new relationships, sex, and reproduction. Teenage brains are still</p><p>wired the same way. They still yearn to connect with others in order to gain</p><p>security, support, comfort.</p><p>Often, adolescents do this by taking unbelievably stupid risks to impress</p><p>their friends or potential mates, or for no obvious reason at all. Whether it’s</p><p>texting while driving, drug use, binge drinking, or unprotected sex, teens</p><p>take more risks than any other age group.</p><p>This is why it’s so important to teach kids from an early age about</p><p>emotional literacy and the ways social media is interfering with their moods</p><p>and behaviours. Engaging in status competitions is nothing new, and it’s</p><p>especially common when we’re young. We compare our looks, our</p><p>hairstyles, our opportunities, our friends, our successes and failures. We</p><p>seek approval and affirmation all the time. But young people today are</p><p>buckling under the pressure to project a false self on social media—happy,</p><p>perfect, popular, skinny. Because of its outsized impact on their mental</p><p>health, we need to help adolescents understand how social media is</p><p>influencing their sense of self and their real-life relationships.</p><p>The capacity to think critically and philosophically about the role and</p><p>influence of technology in their lives will empower young people to make</p><p>better decisions about how they use it, when they use it, and when to log</p><p>off.</p><p>“I didn’t realize how much social media was affecting me,” Chen once</p><p>told me. “I can’t imagine living without it. But I also know it’s making me</p><p>crazy.”</p><p>IS IT TIME TO CTRL-ALT-DELETE?</p><p>When parents tell me their kids truly can’t log off, whether the problem is</p><p>video gaming or social media, I suspect that their child’s screen use has</p><p>replaced their ability to cope—and I make it clear that the parents need to</p><p>intervene. This means removing the screens kids use for coping and</p><p>developing real coping skills. Sometimes it also means seeking professional</p><p>help.</p><p>I have a fifteen-year-old patient named Brittney with 990 Instagram</p><p>followers. Like 75 percent of teens, Brittney is also on Snapchat. Since</p><p>having a low Snapchat score is stressful and embarrassing, she relentlessly</p><p>Snaps friends, earning points to boost her score. When she first started</p><p>seeing me, Brittney said she felt obligated to like and comment on all her</p><p>friends’ posts, which took her hours every night.</p><p>To Brittney, social media can sometimes feel like a part-time job. It’s a</p><p>gig she aged into by virtue of being a teen in the smartphone era. The brand</p><p>she’s managing is her own. She carefully curates it with funny updates,</p><p>videos it took her hours to perfect, and Photoshopped pictures of her dog,</p><p>her bedroom, her new bathing suit, her new haircut, her new girlfriend. This</p><p>is constantly pulling her away from her homework, conversations</p><p>with her</p><p>family, even sleep. The angst that can ensue when she posts something with</p><p>a mortifying lack of likes can turn Brittney inside out, filling her with</p><p>anxiety and self-hatred—“Instashame,” she calls it.</p><p>When Brittney’s parents first came to me, they told me they couldn’t pry</p><p>their daughter off the phone. They tried grounding her, taking away her</p><p>allowance. Nothing worked. When they tried shutting off the Wi-Fi,</p><p>Brittney ran away from home.</p><p>I made it clear that they needed to approach Brittney’s phone use as they</p><p>would an addiction. To recover faster, she’d have to detox from Instagram,</p><p>Snapchat, and all other social media for three months, both inside and</p><p>outside the home environment. After that, she’d need to either learn to have</p><p>a healthy relationship with it or avoid it altogether. That’s how she would</p><p>fire and wire new healthy tech trails and cover up the old ones that were</p><p>causing her harm.</p><p>Don’t forget: your kids are looking to you to set boundaries. Parental</p><p>limits help children understand that they’re being cared for and that they</p><p>can’t always get their way. They teach them that they can learn things</p><p>through time, patience, and maturity that they might otherwise not realize</p><p>they could. No matter how often children act as if they want to be in</p><p>control, having too much power can be dangerous and even frightening for</p><p>them. They intuitively know that they need an adult to be in charge, and</p><p>they count on their parents to guide their behaviour.</p><p>So when you do step in and set firm boundaries around your child’s tech</p><p>use, you may be surprised by the results. I once had a patient named Raj</p><p>who used video gaming to manage his life’s stressors. This slowly turned</p><p>him into a problem gamer. His parents repeatedly set limits to his gaming</p><p>that Raj, who was fifteen, constantly broke. He was in real trouble: he was</p><p>barely sleeping and failing most of his grade ten classes. His social</p><p>interactions were mostly online, and whenever the family dragged him to a</p><p>restaurant for a meal he’d complain loudly and misbehave until everyone</p><p>got angry and upset and they returned home. By that time Raj was spending</p><p>almost all his time alone in his basement bedroom.</p><p>He and his parents were at war. At one point, after an especially bad</p><p>report card, his mom and dad banned him from his Xbox for two weeks.</p><p>Late one night, Raj snuck into his parents’ room and found the hidden</p><p>console. When his dad realized he was secretly gaming that night, he went</p><p>downstairs, pulled the Xbox from the wall, opened the back door, and</p><p>smashed it against their backyard fence. His mom was terrified: she was</p><p>sure Raj would freak out, destroy the house in a rage, or run away. She</p><p>thought they might have to call the police to intervene.</p><p>But instead of that anticipated all-out battle, nothing happened. Raj</p><p>stayed in his room. At first he was steaming mad, but after a couple of</p><p>hours he said his mind started to clear. He was bored—his parents had long</p><p>since confiscated his phone—so he started to poke around his bedroom. He</p><p>picked up a novel, The Outsiders, that he needed to read for English class.</p><p>He read the first few chapters without any urge to play Xbox. He knew he</p><p>couldn’t. It was in a million pieces in the backyard. He was so transfixed by</p><p>the story that he read until he fell asleep.</p><p>The following morning, Raj’s parents were braced for battle. However,</p><p>when he came upstairs for breakfast, the first thing Raj did was thank his</p><p>dad. “I actually slept,” he said. “I feel better knowing I can’t play it. I</p><p>actually wish you’d done that a year and a half ago.”</p><p>Six months later, Raj’s mom told me they’d enjoyed some of the best</p><p>months they’d had as a family in years.</p><p>This family’s story isn’t unique. In extreme cases like Raj’s, the use of</p><p>strong parental authority (although it could have been demonstrated in a</p><p>gentler way!) is, in the end, often well received by the child. Most striking</p><p>in Raj’s story are the clear difference between adult and teenage brains and</p><p>the value of limits and boundaries. Raj had a hard time thinking past the</p><p>moment; he was using tech to manage his anxiety and irritability and to</p><p>distract himself from being in survival mode. His father, however,</p><p>understood the long-term consequences. And by removing the mechanism</p><p>that drove the vicious stress-response loop, he allowed Raj to find his way</p><p>back to growth mode.</p><p>REMEMBER…</p><p>Of all the tech trends that have shaped the world in recent years, few have had a</p><p>larger impact than social media. And perhaps none have had such a dramatic</p><p>impact on the mental health of adolescents.</p><p>The sudden spike in rates of anxiety, loneliness, depression, and suicidal</p><p>behaviour began in 2012, coinciding with the moment smartphones reached</p><p>market saturation.</p><p>The data has also shown steep declines in the number of hours teens spend with</p><p>friends and romantic partners.</p><p>Because of tech’s outsized impact on their mental health, we need to help</p><p>children understand how it’s influencing their sense of self, their coping skills, and</p><p>their real-life relationships.</p><p>When it comes to problem tech use, there is a clear gender divide: girls are from</p><p>Instagram, boys are from Xbox.</p><p>The rational, long-term strategic part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed until</p><p>they’re about twenty-five.</p><p>Stress is needed only to help cope with life-threatening situations.</p><p>Stress leads to the freeze (anxiety), fight (irritability), and flight (distraction)</p><p>response.</p><p>Your child’s body is designed to absorb stress only in small doses and in short</p><p>bursts.</p><p>You want to help move your children from survival mode to growth mode.</p><p>Teach kids to avoid stress and embrace challenge. These have opposite effects,</p><p>with challenge improving their health, happiness, and success.</p><p>Challenge is an essential part of a child’s life. Stress and suffering, however, are</p><p>not.</p><p>SOLUTIONS</p><p>In this chapter we’ve discussed how your children’s bodies are designed to</p><p>absorb stress in only small doses and short bursts. Technology use,</p><p>however, can trigger constant stress—whether through sleep deprivation,</p><p>posture issues, time mismanagement, distraction, FOMO, or the</p><p>internalizing of harmful messages that they aren’t cool enough, pretty</p><p>enough, skinny enough, witty enough. Such constant stress floods their</p><p>developing minds with toxic levels of adrenalin and cortisol and builds</p><p>damaging neural trails that can more easily trigger stress in them as they get</p><p>older.</p><p>In the pages that follow you’ll find suggestions for tech literacy that will</p><p>reduce the stress of technology. In addition, this section will give you</p><p>strategies to teach and model healthy coping skills.</p><p>KEY STRATEGIES</p><p>DON’T</p><p>Ignore signs of the stress response, including anxiety, irritability, and distraction</p><p>Let your child use tech to cope with life</p><p>Confuse stress with challenge</p><p>Give in to your own negativity bias and thinking traps</p><p>Model being constantly stressed as a normal part of life</p><p>DO</p><p>Discuss the difference between being in a state of survival and one of growth</p><p>Encourage healthy challenges</p><p>Teach your child coping skills</p><p>Fight the negativity bias</p><p>Challenge thinking traps</p><p>Pay attention to hidden stress triggers</p><p>AVOID…</p><p>Guide your child away from any tech that triggers the stress response, whether it’s</p><p>social media comparisons, FOMO, sleep deprivation, or prolonged, hunched-over</p><p>posture.</p><p>LIMIT AND MONITOR…</p><p>Avoiding social media and technology altogether is probably unrealistic. Discuss,</p><p>limit, and monitor social media until your child seems able to regulate their use of it</p><p>without the above issues.</p><p>TEACH YOUR CHILD COPING SKILLS</p><p>Coping skills are clear, practical tools our kids can use when they’re feeling</p><p>overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or down. All children need to learn and</p><p>master coping skills they can employ in any situation to manage and reduce</p><p>the cortisol-induced stress response.</p><p>Here I’ll outline the three general categories of healthy coping skills—</p><p>downtime, others, and play—and explain how to establish their positive</p><p>behaviour patterns.</p><p>1.</p><p>Downtime</p><p>Downtime allows us to settle and feel safe. Simply unplugging, taking a</p><p>break from life, and breathing can be a very effective coping skill. Teach</p><p>your child to practise downtime, or “quiet time,” by closing their eyes,</p><p>resting, and letting their mind drift, even for a few minutes, at their desk,</p><p>say, or in the car.</p><p>Deep Breathing</p><p>I believe that the single most effective way to reduce stress and move</p><p>children away from survival mode into growth mode is through slow, deep</p><p>breathing. We often get into the habit of shallow breathing, the type that</p><p>reaches only to our middle lungs. Poor posture, restrictive clothing, and</p><p>stress can all contribute to shallow chest breathing. But when we breathe</p><p>slowly and deeply, the receptors in our lungs and diaphragm expand from</p><p>the pressure of the air. This expansion signals to our nervous system that</p><p>we’re okay, which shuts down the stress response and moves us into growth</p><p>and recovery mode.</p><p>Once your child gets the hang of deep breathing, they can do it anywhere</p><p>and on their own: shortly after waking up, before bed, on their way back</p><p>from school, or just when they need a moment of peace.</p><p>In our family we all practise deep, controlled breathing. You can try the</p><p>following exercise with your child before encouraging them to do it on their</p><p>own. When we breathe with our children, our bodies get the added benefit</p><p>of syncing with theirs in a wonderful shared rhythm. If you’re doing your</p><p>belly breathing while sitting up, look into your child’s eyes. Smile back at</p><p>them. Deepen the bond between you by being present.</p><p>DEEP BREATHING EXERCISE</p><p>This breathing exercise will help anyone of any age to relax. Young children love</p><p>belly breathing, especially when you place a stuffed animal on their belly and take it</p><p>for a ride!</p><p>Find a quiet, comfortable place for your child to sit or lie down.</p><p>Teach them to breathe in slowly through their nose and breathe out slowly</p><p>through an open mouth. Whereas a clenched jaw signals stress to our brain, a</p><p>relaxed, open jaw (as in a yawn) signals safety.</p><p>When they get the hang of it, invite them to bring the breath slowly into their belly</p><p>and to feel the belly expand. Then, as they exhale, encourage them to do it</p><p>slowly and to pay attention to how their belly contracts.</p><p>Start with three breaths and work up to more until your child is fully relaxed.</p><p>2. Others</p><p>Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or even a pet, social bonding helps</p><p>us feel safe and settled. Spending time with others is a powerful coping</p><p>skill.</p><p>Guide your child to practise meaningful social connection, even if for</p><p>just a few minutes, by cuddling a pet, FaceTiming with a grandparent, or</p><p>giving them a good morning or goodnight hug. Make a habit of encouraging</p><p>one-to-one bonding time with a sibling, a cousin, or a friend. Every one of</p><p>them will benefit from it!</p><p>And try to find an undistracted few minutes alone with your child every</p><p>day. Trust me, I know this is harder than it sounds! But when we give</p><p>children our full attention, they can feel how dearly we hold them in our</p><p>hearts, strengthening our bond with them.</p><p>3. Play</p><p>When your kids try new things, or spend time on their passions, hobbies,</p><p>and interests, they activate the prefrontal cortex—thereby moving from</p><p>survival mode to growth mode. And since play ignites curiosity,</p><p>exploration, and fun, it inhibits the release of cortisol. After all, the body</p><p>can’t be playing and stressed at the same time. This makes play a great</p><p>coping skill.</p><p>Guide your child to give themselves a daily dose of play, even if it’s just</p><p>for a few minutes. In our family, the trampoline acts as a stress reliever. It’s</p><p>impossible to be stressed—and hard not to smile or laugh—while bouncing</p><p>away on it. We also love to have dance parties in the kitchen. And we prank</p><p>one another every chance we get.</p><p>TEACH YOUR CHILD TO FIGHT THE NEGATIVITY BIAS</p><p>Your child’s brain is built to be more sensitive to bad news than good news.</p><p>But if you can help them learn to see the good things in life at a young age,</p><p>they’ll find it easier to do the same when they’re older.</p><p>The ability to discern the good alongside the bad is a skill that takes time</p><p>and practice. Use some of the following strategies to help your child see a</p><p>situation from all angles.</p><p>Discuss the pros and cons of everyday situations so that they can see</p><p>both sides.</p><p>Tell them stories of how bad events led to positive outcomes in your</p><p>life. For example, you may have been passed over for a job or not</p><p>chosen for a team, but that led to your finding a better job or team.</p><p>When things go wrong, ask your child, “What’s the silver lining in this</p><p>situation?” If they can’t yet see it or feel it, ask them to try to imagine</p><p>what it could be.</p><p>Life’s challenges and disappointments most often build resilience, so</p><p>explain this process when your child is facing a tough time. Tell them</p><p>that the challenges and obstacles they face are helping to train them in</p><p>being strong and better able to bounce back.</p><p>Challenge Thinking Traps</p><p>To help your child deal with negative thoughts, encourage them to face</p><p>these thoughts directly instead of ignoring or pushing them away. Here are</p><p>some questions that can help you challenge unhelpful thoughts your child</p><p>may be having. Ask them as an ally who’s standing with them shoulder to</p><p>shoulder. You can also have fun with the questions and make your child</p><p>laugh—it’s a good way to change their mood.</p><p>What’s the worst that could happen?</p><p>If it did happen, what could you do to cope with it?</p><p>Are you falling into a thinking trap?</p><p>What’s the evidence that this thought is true?</p><p>What’s the evidence that it isn’t true?</p><p>Have you confused a thought with a fact?</p><p>What would you tell a friend if they had the same thought?</p><p>On a scale of one to ten, how big of a life problem is this?</p><p>Teach Your Child to Pay Attention to the Basics</p><p>I’ve talked about the little-known stress triggers that can send our children</p><p>into a negative state when they’re immersed in their screens. Some of these</p><p>are inevitable, which is why it’s important to balance an online life with</p><p>real-world interactions. Consider the following strategies to help your child</p><p>combat these insidious stressors.</p><p>Sleep deprivation: Remember the sleep guidelines from Chapter 2</p><p>(this page)? Please do try to stick with them. The biggest way to avoid</p><p>sleep deprivation is to value sleep! It’s how our brains rejuvenate,</p><p>recover, and rewire. Now, I know that what with homework, exams,</p><p>sports events, and trips away, it isn’t realistic for kids to get the</p><p>required sleep every night, but try to catch them up whenever possible.</p><p>Parents can guide kids to take naps, sleep in on weekends, and rest</p><p>more during holidays (I encourage my kids to do all three, and</p><p>sometimes I even reward extra sleep!). When your kids reach their</p><p>teens, they can often experience a circadian rhythm shift and have a</p><p>hard time sleeping at night. To help them, try scheduling in a morning</p><p>spare.</p><p>Sedentary behaviour: Guide your child to get up every half hour and</p><p>stretch their body. Consider downloading one of the many apps that</p><p>send a notification when it’s time to move.</p><p>Sitting crouched or hunched over a laptop: I’ve put up a poster on</p><p>our fridge demonstrating good sitting and standing posture. I’ve also</p><p>placed Post-it notes, bolsters, and pillows all over the house to</p><p>encourage good posture instead of the all too familiar text neck,</p><p>hunched shoulders, and chair body.</p><p>Lack of eye contact: Teach your kids to make a practice of looking at</p><p>people’s faces and eyes whenever they speak. When my kids are going</p><p>through shy phases, I tell them to look at the person’s nose.</p><p>5</p><p>WIRED FOR HEALTH: Endorphins and Finding Balance in</p><p>an Unbalanced World</p><p>There is nothing outside of yourself that can enable you to get</p><p>better, stronger, richer, quicker, or smarter. Everything is within.</p><p>Everything exists. Seek nothing outside yourself.</p><p>—MIYAMOTO MUSASHI</p><p>A few months ago I started seeing a fifteen-year-old patient who’d begun</p><p>cutting herself with an X-Acto knife pulled from her art supplies.</p><p>Zara isn’t</p><p>depressed. She doesn’t have any addiction issues. She was cutting because</p><p>she was severely burned out.</p><p>Zara is a star soccer player at the club level. Her dream is to play at a</p><p>U.S. Division I college on a scholarship. (She worships Megan Rapinoe.)</p><p>Zara is also an excellent public speaker and debate champion. She’s a</p><p>straight-A student, and was named head girl at her school in September. Her</p><p>parents push her hard. Zara pushes herself even harder.</p><p>She’s a great kid with some pretty good life skills, but tech has</p><p>complicated her life and contributed to an overwhelming sense of</p><p>exhaustion that’s making her feel as though she can’t keep up.</p><p>Zara, like so many other teens, finds herself constantly comparing herself</p><p>to others, especially online. She may feel great about her soccer skills, but</p><p>then she’ll see on social media that a former teammate is playing a level up.</p><p>She may be proud of her debate performance, but then she watches</p><p>YouTube videos from the international debate competition and feels like an</p><p>amateur.</p><p>Zara also wants to be a perfect pal. She feels obligated to like and</p><p>comment on all her friends’ social media feeds. When she receives a</p><p>notification that a DM or an email has come in she feels compelled to reply,</p><p>even when she’s in the middle of doing homework, watching a TV show,</p><p>reading a book, or sleeping.</p><p>Because of Zara’s leadership role at school, her classmates are constantly</p><p>emailing or texting to ask for help with homework or debate prep or even</p><p>just for general information. She’s also frequently invited to parties, soccer</p><p>tournaments, and conferences. The other day, as she sat down to do her</p><p>homework, an invite to attend a We Day youth event came in at the same</p><p>time as a message from a grade nine girl who was having trouble with her</p><p>peers. Meanwhile Zara’s best friend, who was raised in a conservative</p><p>family, was coming out as bisexual on Instagram, and Zara felt she needed</p><p>to show her support and keep an eye on her feed in case her friend received</p><p>any negative comments. She had a soccer practice that night and a physics</p><p>exam the following day.</p><p>Zara can be cranky and short with her parents. She’s been having trouble</p><p>studying and has been coming up with excuses to skip soccer practice and</p><p>even some games, something she’s never done before. She’s never self-</p><p>harmed before, either. Zara can’t seem to explain why she’s cutting. All she</p><p>could tell me was that she wanted to “feel something.”</p><p>ENDORPHINS</p><p>That something was endorphins. I explained to Zara that they’re our body’s</p><p>natural painkillers, released when we’re hurt or injured. So when Zara cut</p><p>herself, it was the endorphins released in her brain that supplied the “relief”</p><p>she was looking for.</p><p>We all produce endorphins naturally. They make us feel good after we</p><p>work out, hug a friend, or take a long, deep breath. They act in the brain’s</p><p>opioid receptors, lessening pain. It’s right there in the name: “endorphin”</p><p>derives from “endogenous morphine,” meaning “internally produced</p><p>morphine.” These wonder neurochemicals also lead to increased creativity</p><p>and mental clarity.</p><p>In this chapter we’ll explore the power of endorphins and the importance</p><p>of self-care. When we take care of ourselves we feel energized, exuberant,</p><p>alive. It really is that simple—so we’ll consider the many ways to help</p><p>children naturally increase their endorphin production. But first I want to</p><p>turn to the problem plaguing Zara and many others, both young and old.</p><p>BURNOUT</p><p>In the last five years I’ve started treating more young people like Zara:</p><p>overscheduled high achievers who exhibit signs of physical and mental</p><p>exhaustion: in short, burnout. And if that burnout is left unchecked, Zara,</p><p>who’s also a perfectionist, risks a downward spiral that can include anxiety,</p><p>depression, and the use of substances like drugs and alcohol to cope.</p><p>Not long ago, burnout tended to be limited to frontline professionals like</p><p>nurses, police officers, paramedics, military personnel, and social workers:</p><p>people who face unrelenting mental stress and trauma while at work. But</p><p>burnout—defined by the presence of emotional exhaustion—is increasingly</p><p>being seen as a serious, widespread health concern. In 2019 the WHO</p><p>upgraded burnout to a “syndrome” in its International Disease</p><p>Classification, characterizing it as a state of “vital exhaustion” that includes</p><p>excessive fatigue accompanied by feeling demoralized and irritable.</p><p>As a psychiatrist, I’ve seen the devastating impact it can have on a</p><p>person’s mental health, their family life, their studies, and their careers. I</p><p>can only hope that the WHO’s recognition will increase awareness of the</p><p>problem, prompt people to take better care of themselves, and reduce some</p><p>of the stigma that is deterring some from seeking help.</p><p>A lot of young people tell me that the idea of self-care makes them fear</p><p>their peers will see them as “weak,” not “gritty,” unable to keep up. But as I</p><p>tell my patients, pushing through pain and burying discomfort can set you</p><p>up for a lifetime of misery. Learning how to say no, how to rest, and how to</p><p>take care of yourself is a sign of maturity and resilience. Reaching out and</p><p>asking for help are signs of bravery.</p><p>TREATING BURNOUT IN YOUNG PEOPLE</p><p>I recognized almost all the signs of burnout in Zara. Her technology use certainly</p><p>contributed to her condition, so I gave her some practical advice that you might want</p><p>to consider for your own kids as well.</p><p>First, I had Zara turn off all her phone’s notifications, including the ringer, email,</p><p>and alerts for incoming text messages. I had her get rid of the news alerts she</p><p>was receiving from BuzzFeed, plus all the alerts from Instagram and Twitter. She</p><p>needed to stop her phone and laptop from constantly pinging, distracting, and</p><p>stressing her out.</p><p>I explained how important sleep is for regulating her mood, clearing waste from</p><p>her brain, and re-energizing her cells. I encouraged her to try to get nine hours of</p><p>sleep every night, even when she had a speech to prepare or an exam the</p><p>following day. Freeing up time from technology helped with that.</p><p>I helped Zara understand that she needs to unplug and make time for solitude</p><p>every day as a way to recharge—whether she’s journaling, taking a walk, having</p><p>a hot bath, or meditating. Yes, teenagers can meditate! I encouraged her to start</p><p>and end every day with deep breathing exercises.</p><p>I told Zara to cut herself off social media completely until she’s able to use it</p><p>without comparing herself to others. Remember: online comparisons are toxic.</p><p>They make young people feel that they’re not good enough, flooding their bodies</p><p>with cortisol.</p><p>We also had to start discussing multitasking and perfectionism—how those</p><p>behaviours had become well-worn trails in Zara’s brain, and how she could step</p><p>off from them.</p><p>MULTITASKING IS A MYTH</p><p>Zara’s story of burnout highlights two corollary issues young people are</p><p>facing today, both made worse by the omnipresence of technology:</p><p>multitasking and perfectionism.</p><p>In the digital era we’ve come to believe that we can complete several</p><p>tasks at the same time—that this makes us more efficient and counters</p><p>boredom to boot. But multitasking is a myth. As numerous studies have</p><p>confirmed, the human mind can’t focus on more than one thing at a time.</p><p>What it can do is rapidly switch focus from one thing to the next. I think of</p><p>it whenever I hear my husband’s “email voice,” the semiconscious</p><p>monotone he takes on during a call when an email has popped up and he’s</p><p>clearly reading it while continuing to talk. My husband might think he’s</p><p>simultaneously performing two tasks, but the reality is that he’s</p><p>simultaneously doing two things badly.</p><p>Those who multitask initiate parts of the brain that are irrelevant for the</p><p>task at hand. They’re chronically distracted. Their memory suffers. And</p><p>although people think that when it comes time to buckle down they can turn</p><p>everything off and become laser-focused, the reality is that they’ve</p><p>developed habits that make that impossible. They’ve lost the ability to focus</p><p>on one thing at a time. And as we learned in Chapter 2, when we behave in</p><p>certain ways over and over again, these behaviours develop into habits that</p><p>we carry out without thinking.</p><p>Like Zara, a whopping 72 percent of teenagers—and 48 percent of adults</p><p>—feel the need to immediately reply to texts, social networking messages,</p><p>and other notifications, according to a recent study by Common Sense</p><p>Media. Another recent study showed that the mere presence of a</p><p>smartphone, even when it’s off, can reduce cognitive capacity in young</p><p>people, causing what researchers termed “smartphone-induced brain drain.”</p><p>And some 90 percent of undergraduates report feeling “phantom vibrations”</p><p>from their phones on a biweekly basis.</p><p>Although multitasking may give the illusion of saving time,</p><p>neuroscientists have found that not only does it make us less efficient, but it</p><p>can also cause us significant stress. Back in our hunter-gatherer days</p><p>predators were all around us, meaning that the slightest distraction could</p><p>lead to our death. So when we’re distracted—flipping among multiple</p><p>websites, say, or trying to finish a report with the TV on—neurons signal to</p><p>our brain that we’re unsafe. This can trigger the fight-or-flight stress</p><p>response we discussed in Chapter 4. In the short term it makes us anxious,</p><p>irritable, and more distracted. In the long term it causes mental fog,</p><p>scrambled thinking, and health issues, and can lead to burnout.</p><p>Attention is the foundation for all our cognitive capacities, whether it’s</p><p>the ability to remember, to solve problems, or to simply be present with our</p><p>children. But tech’s constant interruptions and targeted distractions are</p><p>taking a massive toll on these critical brain functions. In 2015 Microsoft</p><p>published a study showing that, from 2000 to 2013, the average human</p><p>attention span shrank from twelve to eight seconds. “Everyone is distracted</p><p>—all the time,” says Justin Rosenstein, a former Facebook programmer.</p><p>And it’s stressing us out—all the time.</p><p>A NOTE ON PARENTAL MULTITASKING</p><p>I’ll admit it: after another hour spent waiting around at yet another drawn-out track</p><p>and field meet with my son, my phone’s siren call can start to seem especially</p><p>alluring. The truth, as every parent knows, is that there are parts of parenting that</p><p>can be tedious work. But when we check out by reading the latest mind-boggling</p><p>news story or catching up on email when we’re with our kids, we can start to suffer</p><p>from what the American Academy of Pediatrics calls “distracted parenting.”</p><p>The most startling documentation of this modern phenomenon came from the U.S.</p><p>Centers for Disease Control, which found that, after a long period of decline in</p><p>childhood injuries, hospitals had reported a 12 percent uptick over a three-year</p><p>period following the 2007 introduction of the iPhone. More specifically, these</p><p>hospitals had recorded a spike in kids getting burned, getting concussed, and</p><p>breaking bones because their parents were distracted by their phones.</p><p>But there are less obvious problems linked with parental distraction. I was meeting</p><p>a friend for coffee recently when I noticed a toddler desperately trying to get her</p><p>mother’s attention—waving her hands between Mom and her iPhone, pulling at it,</p><p>putting her face in front of it. The scene stuck with me, because what I was observing</p><p>was an interruption in the crucial conversational duet that occurs between parent and</p><p>child in the early years of the child’s life. That duet is key to speech and cognitive</p><p>development, and it creates an enduring sense of connectedness between parent</p><p>and child. The scene also made me think of a 2015 study conducted by the</p><p>University of Michigan’s medical school. When researchers observed 225 mother-</p><p>and-child pairs eating dinner together, they noted that those mothers who used their</p><p>devices during the meal weren’t nearly as attentive to their kids. They missed</p><p>emotional cues. And their children, who were less likely to be prompted, ate less</p><p>healthfully.</p><p>The good news is that children are prewired to get what they need from their</p><p>parents, as I discovered when I tried to work while caring for my daughter, Gia, when</p><p>she was still a toddler. Any time I’d turn to my phone or laptop I’d be jerked back by</p><p>her pudgy, reproaching hands. To get my attention, she knew to grab my head and</p><p>pull it close so that I’d be looking her in the eyes. Evidently the little girl in the coffee</p><p>shop had learned to do the same thing.</p><p>THE PROBLEM WITH PERFECTIONISM</p><p>Another problem facing Zara is her perfectionism. She’s not alone. A recent</p><p>study showed that, since 1989, perfectionism among American, British, and</p><p>Canadian university students has jumped by 33 percent. I wasn’t surprised.</p><p>The study, published in the Psychological Bulletin, reflects a topic that</p><p>often comes up among my colleagues at the medical school where I teach.</p><p>In our performance-based culture, we tend to consider people</p><p>“successful” based on who they are on the outside (a straight-A student,</p><p>athlete, expensive car) rather than who they are on the inside (generous,</p><p>loyal, kind). The sheer absurdity of the university admissions process</p><p>already contributes to unhealthy levels of perfectionism among youth. But</p><p>more and more I find that my students—who grew up with social media,</p><p>cultivating curated versions of their lives and achievements—are hitting</p><p>whole new levels.</p><p>It’s beneficial, of course, to set goals and high standards for your kids,</p><p>but there’s a difference between healthy striving and perfectionism.</p><p>Perfectionism arises from such negative emotions as stress, concerns about</p><p>criticism and judgment, low self-worth, and even self-hatred. It’s driven by</p><p>fear and a sense of scarcity. My perfectionist patients always seem to be</p><p>searching for something in order to feel complete, to fill a void they feel is</p><p>inside them. Healthy striving, on the other hand, is based on positive</p><p>emotions: passion for a task, the love of a challenge, the sense that you’re</p><p>contributing to the world. So while one young person might be driven to</p><p>become a great hockey player, say, because they worry they’ll be judged</p><p>and criticized if they don’t perform in the top ranks, another’s drive might</p><p>arise from a love of the game, the thrill that comes with a win, the sense of</p><p>connection that teams create, the gruelling, collective challenge of winning</p><p>a championship.</p><p>There are two types of perfectionists. Both are linked to low self-esteem,</p><p>anxiety, depression, frustration, and conflict.</p><p>Internal perfectionists:</p><p>Are self-critical</p><p>Are often motivated and feel pressure to be perfect</p><p>Procrastinate. Obsess over details. Have difficulty completing projects.</p><p>Because they can never achieve their ideal—</p><p>perfection—they get stuck in mistakes and develop poor time</p><p>management skills.</p><p>All of this makes it hard to meet their own high expectations. Then they</p><p>internalize their low self-worth and can become anxious and depressed.</p><p>—</p><p>External perfectionists:</p><p>Set unreasonable standards for others</p><p>Judge others</p><p>Criticize others.</p><p>All of this tends to lead to conflict.</p><p>Perfectionism—along with its corollary, overvaluing the way we’re seen</p><p>and perceived—compromises how we feel about ourselves and the people</p><p>around us. It can also create paralysis. Since young people’s lives are</p><p>playing out online, in public, more than ever before, children and teens are</p><p>constantly aware of what their peers are doing and how they measure up.</p><p>HAPPINESS CAN COME ONLY FROM WITHIN</p><p>For decades now, rising rates of burnout, multitasking, and perfectionism,</p><p>along with distraction, consumerism, and materialism, have correlated with</p><p>a rise in mental health problems among young people. Today’s university</p><p>students, for example, score significantly higher on the clinical scales for</p><p>anxiety, depression, paranoia, and psychopathic deviation. And they value</p><p>money and status more than ever before. It’s not hard to understand how</p><p>kids who’ve been fed a steady diet of reality TV, celebrity culture, and</p><p>social media can develop superficial, skewed views of the world.</p><p>My experience</p><p>with teenage patients has led me to believe that many of</p><p>today’s youth are focusing on who they are on the outside at the expense of</p><p>who they are on the inside. The emptier we feel inside, the more we tend to</p><p>focus on the person we project to the outside world. The less internal</p><p>identity we have, the more we rely on such external attributes as our</p><p>clothes, trophies, or Instagram followers to feel secure and happy.</p><p>In psychology, “locus of control” is the degree to which people feel in</p><p>control of their lives. An external locus of control means you feel that</p><p>external circumstances, such as your social media popularity and material</p><p>possessions, control your life and happiness. These things are unpredictable</p><p>and often in flux, so people with an external locus of control often feel as</p><p>though they have little control over their lives. Having an internal locus of</p><p>control, by contrast, means you believe that your internal state—your own</p><p>efforts and abilities, or your own sense of peace and gratitude—controls</p><p>your life and happiness.</p><p>So I often ask my young patients: Where do you feel the control centre of</p><p>your life is—the person you are on the inside or the person you are on the</p><p>outside?</p><p>When a young person needs money and status—things like Nike runners</p><p>or the latest phone—to feel happy and in control, it suggests that their</p><p>control centre lies on the outside. The problem is that whatever they have</p><p>will never be enough. Someone else will always have more. There will</p><p>always be a void they seek to fill. In other words, they’re in survival mode.</p><p>It can be hard for a child like this to feel good about themselves. They’re in</p><p>a constant state of stress (freeze, fight, or flight). Their ingrown negativity</p><p>biases are easily tripped. An undercurrent of anxiety, irritability, and</p><p>distraction gets in the way of their feeling happy. Rather than celebrate</p><p>being made assistant captain of the hockey team, for example, their minds</p><p>might fixate on who was named captain.</p><p>But when a young person is instead guided by their values and identity,</p><p>they tend to be less reactive and anxious and less likely to become</p><p>depressed. They’re in the growth mode. If your child’s locus of control is on</p><p>the inside they’ll tend to have a stronger sense of self. They’ll tend to be</p><p>happier because they’re happy with who they are. And this internal sense of</p><p>self-love keeps them in growth mode, opening up higher cognitive</p><p>processes and brain power. Instead of wasting energy on their superficial</p><p>identity, they focus on such intrinsic goals as health or living a meaningful</p><p>life. And pursuing these sorts of things releases the endorphins that power</p><p>our passions, motivation, and creativity.</p><p>There’s a lot of truth in the old adage Happiness comes from within.</p><p>Money, social status, admission to Oxford—none of it will lead to lasting</p><p>happiness. True, enduring happiness can come only from inside us, with the</p><p>help of neurochemicals like endorphins.</p><p>TEACH YOUR KIDS THE WARNING SIGNS</p><p>The trick is getting kids to pay attention to what’s happening inside of them.</p><p>Easier said than done, I know. Still, try explaining to your children that they</p><p>were born with a nearly foolproof system that kicks into gear when they’re</p><p>doing something that could cause them harm.</p><p>When they feel hunger pangs, their brain is saying Eat!</p><p>When they feel thirsty, dry-mouthed, and a bit headachy, their brain is</p><p>saying Drink!</p><p>When they feel fatigue and their eyes start to close, it’s their brain saying</p><p>Sleep!</p><p>If their neck and shoulders are hurting from too much video gaming, the</p><p>message is Move! Stretch!</p><p>Loneliness is part of that same early warning system. It’s telling them</p><p>Stop being alone! Rejoin the tribe!</p><p>When your kids forget or dismiss the signals reminding them to do the</p><p>things they need to do for their well-being, they’ll get those flashing lights</p><p>—insomnia, agitation, irritability, fatigue. And if they continue to ignore</p><p>those signals, their stressed bodies will release more cortisol and eventually</p><p>become dysregulated. That’s when they can get hit with anxiety, burnout,</p><p>depression, chronic body pain, diabetes, and addiction.</p><p>So it’s vital that we teach our kids to pay attention to their internal signals</p><p>and care for themselves. This is called self-care. Without it, they can get</p><p>sick. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there.</p><p>WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF</p><p>I was born with a genetic disorder, called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS),</p><p>that affects collagen production. I didn’t even know I had it until my forties,</p><p>when I was hit with severe chronic pain. Because my joints are hypermobile</p><p>and I have poor balance, I’ve suffered many serious injuries in my life—</p><p>injuries I never took proper care of. For example, when I was thirty I fell off</p><p>my bike, shattering my left elbow, shoulder, and parts of my ribcage. After</p><p>two surgeries and minimal attention to all my injuries, I essentially forgot</p><p>about the accident for the next decade. Those years were a blur, both</p><p>professionally and personally—with three pregnancies, moving homes,</p><p>scientific research, speaking and writing, and building a clinical practice in</p><p>psychiatry.</p><p>A few years after my bike accident we had our first son, Joesh. I was</p><p>thirty-four at the time and founding director of British Columbia’s Youth</p><p>Mental Health and Addictions program. I’d taken just four months of</p><p>maternity leave before email, Skype, and an external locus of control lured</p><p>me back to work when I should have been resting. My career had become</p><p>too big a part of my identity, and I needed it to feel good about myself.</p><p>Then, shortly after Joesh turned one, I got pregnant again, this time with</p><p>Jaever, our second son. During both pregnancies I kept the same frenetic</p><p>pace—and started having worse back, knee, and general body pain. Doctors</p><p>started to investigate whether I had lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, and other</p><p>conditions.</p><p>Shortly after the birth of our daughter, Gia, in 2010, I began researching</p><p>and writing my first book, The Dolphin Parent. It sounds crazy, and it was:</p><p>I was still working as a medical director with administrative, research,</p><p>teaching, and patient care responsibilities, in addition to having three young</p><p>children, aging parents, and a deteriorating body.</p><p>I was multitasking my health away. I’m still not sure if it was true</p><p>passion or perfectionism that drove me to work so hard; likely it was a</p><p>combination of the two. On the one hand, in my practice I felt a deep pull</p><p>towards trying to counterbalance the dangerous parenting trends—</p><p>overscheduling, overdirecting, and overcompeting—I was seeing all around</p><p>me (and that I even found myself participating in). On the other hand, it was</p><p>not at all a great time to take on such a massive project. However, I just</p><p>wasn’t conditioned to listen to my body or take care of myself. I didn’t</p><p>know how to slow down or even rest.</p><p>My body and mind couldn’t keep up that pace for long. I knew I needed</p><p>regular sleep, exercise, and social connections. These are all simple things,</p><p>but I was having trouble fitting them in. I learned the hard way that</p><p>knowing isn’t doing, and simple isn’t easy. In order to juggle a full-time</p><p>career with my family responsibilities, community service, and friends, I</p><p>was skimping on all the essentials for a life of health and happiness. As I</p><p>counselled my patients and audiences to rest, pause, spend time in nature,</p><p>and laugh, I neglected doing these things myself. I’d forgotten the very</p><p>basics of life: conscious breathing, enjoying the moment, caring for your</p><p>body, connecting with yourself and others every day. I didn’t recognize it</p><p>then, but the load was too heavy for me to handle. And it wasn’t long before</p><p>my body let me know.</p><p>By my fortieth birthday I was completely flattened by deep, aching,</p><p>chronic pain. There were many days when the prospect of getting out of bed</p><p>felt terrifying. I had no idea what was happening—no diagnosis and no</p><p>medical plan. In my lowest moments, I couldn’t see a way out.</p><p>Looking back, I believe technology was a factor in making me</p><p>so sick,</p><p>but it was also a factor in getting me better. I joined online chronic pain</p><p>groups and saw patterns in other people’s stories that were similar to mine.</p><p>After five years of searching, I found and ordered my own genetic test</p><p>online. I spit in a cup, sent it in—and then received the EDS diagnosis.</p><p>Finally, I was able to grab the reins again. My first order of business was</p><p>changing my mindset from hating my body to loving it back to health. I had</p><p>to stop fighting it in survival mode and start nurturing it in growth mode,</p><p>and that meant finding balance.</p><p>I realized that, to get better, I had to change my body’s internal</p><p>chemistry: I needed to slow the production of stress-related neurochemicals</p><p>like adrenalin and cortisol and increase the powerful healing of endorphins</p><p>and others.</p><p>I learned to listen to my intuition, the signals I was receiving from the</p><p>core of my being. In doing so I changed my internal environment from</p><p>survival to growth, where all healing and recovery occurs. And technology</p><p>certainly helped me do it.</p><p>THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-CARE</p><p>A lot of the messaging our kids are getting from parents, schools, and</p><p>coaches is about getting a perfect report card, scoring goals, and winning</p><p>competitions. What they’re not being taught, however, is how to take care</p><p>of themselves. It’s critically important to understand that your child isn’t</p><p>here to make you feel proud. She’s not here to fix your emotional needs or</p><p>to replay your childhood. In fact, she’s not here for you at all. She’s her own</p><p>person. And so we have to show her how to treat herself with compassion</p><p>and self-care. She needs to learn to release her own endorphins, not look for</p><p>dopamine on her phone or be driven by fear and cortisol.</p><p>By “self-care” I mean anything your kids do to take care of their mental,</p><p>emotional, and physical health. This can be as simple as taking a hot bath or</p><p>going for a walk. It could mean taking time to work on an art project or</p><p>going to a movie alone. For some, it could mean going snowboarding. For</p><p>others, it means learning to say no. Self-care is intensely personal and</p><p>wildly variable. It’s whatever your child does to help them repair, recover,</p><p>and face the next morning. It always involves tuning in to their own</p><p>thoughts, feelings, and biology—their intuition. It’s about getting out of</p><p>survival mode and living in growth mode.</p><p>Practising self-care hasn’t always been easy for me, and it might not be</p><p>easy for your child, either. I started small, by taking the time to finally get</p><p>orthotics in all my shoes and going for the occasional therapeutic massage.</p><p>Later, it meant being honest with myself, my family, and my colleagues</p><p>about how much time off I needed and actually allowing myself to take that</p><p>time. Physically, I can no longer put in a forty-hour work week. I have to</p><p>rest in the middle of the day. I take a heating pad to my office and</p><p>restaurants. I say no to social events. Now, this was hard for me to accept.</p><p>After all, self-care isn’t something our current society always values,</p><p>meaning that it’s often not easy to carve out the time to look after yourself.</p><p>So I’ve had to work on not feeling as if I need to apologize or make excuses</p><p>for taking time to myself.</p><p>Rather than risk letting our children experience burnout, serious illness,</p><p>or waste away years being exhausted, perfectionistic, and unfulfilled, let’s</p><p>teach them self-love. They need to know that their most important job is to</p><p>take care of themselves. And guess what? Technology can be extremely</p><p>helpful in doing this.</p><p>In the paragraphs that follow I outline some of the essential behaviours</p><p>for releasing endorphins and how technology can help foster them. I draw</p><p>on my own experience, explaining how I learned to increase my body’s</p><p>endorphin production and became a happier, more confident, and more</p><p>positive person.</p><p>Downtime</p><p>In Chapter 4 I talked about downtime as an effective coping skill for stress,</p><p>but it’s also an essential part of human life, one that we’re losing to</p><p>busyness and technology.</p><p>When I was sick I recognized that if I were ever going to get myself out</p><p>of the stress-response system I’d need to slow down and get some</p><p>downtime. But after running on adrenalin through five years of pain—on</p><p>top of an ADD brain—I found the prospect challenging. So I turned to my</p><p>phone to help me. I used apps like Calm, which provides the scenes and</p><p>sounds of nature, among them waves, birds, and falling rain. Humans are</p><p>“biophilic,” meaning we’re meant to live in nature. So Calm helped me at</p><p>the beginning of my journey towards deeper inner work by simply helping</p><p>me…well, calm down.</p><p>We need to help our kids understand that their brains need breaks—a bit</p><p>of space and quiet. It doesn’t need to be a long time; five to ten minutes is</p><p>plenty. But even brief breaks allow their minds to process and make sense</p><p>of the new information they’re taking in every day. And when we don’t take</p><p>the time to do this, it’s harder for us to retain that knowledge. Studies of</p><p>rats, for example, have demonstrated that when they were given time to rest</p><p>after trying to find their way through a maze, they were far better at</p><p>remembering its layout than when they didn’t rest.</p><p>When kids rest, their brains are anything but idle or unproductive.</p><p>Quieting the mind allows them to affirm their identities and make sense of</p><p>themselves and their interactions. They might, for example, think back to</p><p>how they might have better handled a conflict or a tough conversation,</p><p>preparing them for the next time they face something similar.</p><p>And when we look inward our morality emerges. It’s when I’m stuck at a</p><p>train crossing or waiting for the kids to come out from soccer practice that,</p><p>all of a sudden, I think: I should call my aunt, she’s really sick, or I was too</p><p>harsh in that meeting with my colleague last week. I should check in on</p><p>him, or It’s been six months since I last connected with my good friend.</p><p>When you’re too busy, you’re too busy to be kind.</p><p>All ancient traditions have valued time for contemplation and reflection,</p><p>observing such rituals as bathing in hot springs, sitting still with incense</p><p>burning, and meditation. The Christian grace that’s said before eating a</p><p>meal allows a person time to reflect on the divine. Know thyself was</p><p>inscribed on the Temple of Apollo when it was built in ancient Greece more</p><p>than three thousand years ago.</p><p>Today, though, many people are addicted to being busy—something I</p><p>know intimately because it once included me. Our society tends to</p><p>stigmatize those who rest as being lazy. Being busy has become a symbol of</p><p>importance.</p><p>In my work with young people I prescribe them antidepressants to help</p><p>relieve symptoms of depression and anxiety. I also prescribe them a daily</p><p>dose of downtime. It’s essential for helping them rebuild their mental</p><p>health. I often encourage my own kids to take a break from whatever task is</p><p>on their to-do list—to shut down their devices, close their eyes, and let their</p><p>minds wander.</p><p>WHY DO KIDS NEED DOWNTIME?</p><p>To process all the information, knowledge, and skills that young brains are</p><p>receiving day in, day out. This requires relaxed, unchallenged time.</p><p>To fully synthesize new information and life experiences</p><p>To consolidate memories from the day, revive their focus and attention, and</p><p>renew their drive to learn</p><p>To give them time and space to learn to manage their feelings</p><p>To learn to cope with boredom</p><p>Mindfulness</p><p>When I explain mindfulness to my patients, I tell them it just means being</p><p>actively present in the moment. It means being keenly aware of yourself</p><p>and your surroundings. It means connecting with your physical senses—</p><p>seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, and touching—as well as your internal</p><p>senses of feeling and thinking. Over time, I tell them, it will help reprogram</p><p>their minds to think in healthier ways.</p><p>When your kids practise mindfulness, they’re redirecting neural activity</p><p>from the reactionary part of their brains (the survival system) to the feeling</p><p>and rational part (the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex).</p><p>In doing so,</p><p>they’re training themselves to react less to impulses, to slow down, to think</p><p>and feel before they act.</p><p>The opposite of mindfulness is multitasking, the scattering of our</p><p>attention that leads to stress. When we’re focused our brain gets the signal</p><p>that we’re safe, which helps keep us calm and centred. But when we’re</p><p>distracted, constantly shifting our focus, our brain believes we’re in trouble</p><p>and will launch the freeze-fight-or-flight response.</p><p>The research shows that mindfulness not only enhances emotional</p><p>regulation, helping kids feel more present, calm, and engaged, but that it</p><p>also improves cognitive performance—including when the stakes are high.</p><p>As well, mindfulness has been shown to help improve attention and</p><p>behaviour problems and to reduce anxiety in kids. In a 2013 study, an eight-</p><p>week training in mindfulness improved concentration and significantly</p><p>reduced hyperactive behaviours in boys with attention deficit hyperactivity</p><p>disorder (ADHD).</p><p>The power of mindfulness is finally being understood in our mainstream</p><p>culture, too. Schools across the world are teaching it. In Vancouver and</p><p>India, my Dolphin Kids programs teach children as young as three years old</p><p>mindfulness, breathing, meditation, and social skills. And once they get the</p><p>hang of these practices, I can tell you that children of all ages love it.</p><p>Meditation</p><p>Okay, I know there are still some meditation skeptics out there. The</p><p>research, though, is overwhelmingly clear. I can cite the science until the</p><p>moon comes out, but by now you’ve probably already heard the long list of</p><p>meditation’s benefits: it’s been shown to lessen stress, depression, anxiety,</p><p>pain, and insomnia. What you might not have heard is how it may affect</p><p>children. Here are just a few examples specific to kids.</p><p>Meditation improved the behaviour and self-esteem of children with</p><p>ADHD, according to a 2004 study.</p><p>Eighty-three percent of kids from low-income families reported feeling</p><p>happier, more relaxed, and stronger with a meditation practice,</p><p>according to a 2015 study.</p><p>University students who briefly meditated scored higher on attention</p><p>tests after just five days, according to a 2007 study.</p><p>People say that meditation is the most difficult thing they’ve ever tried.</p><p>Sadly, I have to agree. Learning to resist distraction is the hardest habit I’ve</p><p>ever changed, and a daily meditation practice was by far the hardest habit</p><p>I’ve ever developed. But nothing has served my well-being more.</p><p>I remember meditating alone in our basement one dark winter morning</p><p>when I suddenly realized that, for the first time in six years, I didn’t feel any</p><p>pain. I’d completely forgotten what that was like. It was life changing: after</p><p>months of a daily practice I’d changed the neural trails I’d been running on.</p><p>In other words, I’d finally been able to shut down survival mode and move</p><p>to growth mode. I was actually producing endorphins on my own.</p><p>Not long after that, I decided to stop taking opioids to help with my pain.</p><p>I even shot a video to mark the moment when I emptied my final bottle into</p><p>the toilet. I spent the next seven days in withdrawal: I was nauseated; my</p><p>head pounded; I sweated through the night. But I got through it.</p><p>By that point I’d spent years trying to get pain-free from the outside. The</p><p>experience profoundly changed me, both as a physician and a person.</p><p>Before all this I’d been a traditional, Western-trained doctor who separated</p><p>body and mind. These days I’m much more holistic—and passionate about</p><p>helping my patients understand the connection between their bodies and</p><p>minds.</p><p>Laughter</p><p>A good laugh, I’ve learned, is a great start to the day. Our kids have made</p><p>crowding into our bed, sometimes with an iPad, a fun part of relaxed</p><p>weekend mornings. We queue up videos of Stephen Colbert and Lilly</p><p>Singh. Seeing Joesh, Jaever, and Gia rolling around in the covers in a fit of</p><p>giggles over the latest hilarious meme gets me laughing right along with</p><p>them. Indeed, research has shown that we’re thirty times more likely to</p><p>laugh in the presence of others than alone. It’s like a yawn, triggering the</p><p>feel-good receptors in the brains of people around us. I like to think of it as</p><p>a game of endorphin dominoes, spreading happiness.</p><p>DILLON’S STORY</p><p>Dillon Hill knows all about the healing powers of laughter and bonding. When he was</p><p>in grade five in California, his best friend and classmate, Chris Betancourt, was</p><p>diagnosed with Stage 4 chronic myeloid leukemia. Dillon’s hospital visits with his</p><p>friend felt pretty awkward; they were only ten, after all. They didn’t have the</p><p>emotional maturity to process what was happening. All that changed when Chris’s</p><p>dad brought in his son’s PlayStation 2. Soon it was like old times again. The pair</p><p>were laughing and joking and having a blast together. Playing video games brought</p><p>some normalcy to a profoundly abnormal situation; it helped Chris forget about the</p><p>frightening reality of his hospital room. The experience bonded them for life. “Cancer</p><p>is life-changing for fifth-graders,” Chris told USA Today. “It made us more than</p><p>classmates.”</p><p>Years later, when they were in high school, it also inspired them to form a non-</p><p>profit charity called Gamer’s Gift. The pair raised money to bring video games and</p><p>virtual reality devices to hospitals and assisted living facilities to help alleviate some</p><p>of the stress and loneliness patients may be feeling.</p><p>Music</p><p>The human brain evolved through music and dance. All cultures share a</p><p>love for both; they light up our brain and body with stress-relieving,</p><p>healing, joyful neurochemicals. And both have been among the few</p><p>constants in my life. As a teen I started using music to help me focus, and</p><p>I’d dance to ease my stress and have some fun. I listened to music as I</p><p>studied for finals, for the Medical College Admission Test (MCAT), and for</p><p>every other exam I’ve ever written. When I entered medical school at</p><p>nineteen my ADD and stress was at its worst, meaning my headphones</p><p>were always blaring—Nat King Cole, Aretha Franklin, nostalgic</p><p>Bollywood songs, Boyz II Men, George Michael, Whitney Houston, Prince.</p><p>I don’t think I could have become a doctor without music.</p><p>When my illness hit me six years ago, I knew I needed to get my mind</p><p>and body out of sick mode. Remembering the power of music, I turned to it.</p><p>You and your children can use music to bring stress relief, bonding, and joy</p><p>to your lives, too. Some of the most joyful moments of my life have been</p><p>dancing in the kitchen with my family.</p><p>Exercise and Sleep</p><p>When your kids exercise or get a good night’s sleep, they experience</p><p>feelings of well-being, contentment, and even joy. When they don’t get</p><p>enough sleep, however, they feel tired and irritable—their little bodies think</p><p>they’re in distress and so release stress hormones that can, as you now</p><p>know, wreak havoc on their minds and bodies.</p><p>Research has repeatedly shown that those who work out, even for as little</p><p>as ten minutes a day, tend to be more cheerful and upbeat than those who</p><p>never exercise. And active people have a much lower risk of developing</p><p>depression and anxiety than those who are sedentary.</p><p>Once I understood my prognosis, I made sure to build healthy amounts of</p><p>sleep and exercise into my daily routine. I started counting my steps with a</p><p>Fitbit, gradually increasing them, and using my iPhone to help me track my</p><p>daily activities, mindfulness, and sleep.</p><p>Gratitude</p><p>I was eleven the first time I remember feeling a wave of gratitude wash</p><p>over me. I was visiting India for the first time with my mother, who’d taken</p><p>me to the Golden Temple in Amritsar, a sprawling, hectic city near the</p><p>Pakistan border. The Golden Temple—the holiest shrine in Sikhism—is an</p><p>elaborate complex of marble and gold set in the middle of a sacred lake.</p><p>And like every Sikh temple, it contained a free kitchen, or “langar,” that</p><p>provides handmade meals around the clock to all who enter. This one had</p><p>been operating for over four hundred years, serving as many as a hundred</p><p>thousand people every day—all by volunteers! I was</p><p>helping my mom in</p><p>the kitchen when I met a group of skinny, rag-clad, barefoot homeless kids</p><p>who lived on Heritage Street, just behind the temple walls.</p><p>I felt a rush of colliding emotions: guilt, fear, and sadness, all at the same</p><p>time. I also realized how lucky I was to be growing up in Canada, how full</p><p>and easy my life was by comparison. Which isn’t to say it was perfect: my</p><p>parents were struggling immigrants with not a lot of money and many</p><p>responsibilities; the stress weighed on both their health and their marriage.</p><p>But in that moment in Amritsar I felt intensely grateful to them for the</p><p>herculean sacrifices they were making to provide us with a better future—</p><p>one that so many can only dream of. I carried that perspective with me back</p><p>home, and to this day it propels me forward.</p><p>There’s a lot of research showing that gratitude can positively affect our</p><p>moods and general well-being, and that grateful people are happier and less</p><p>stressed overall. Studies have repeatedly shown that simply expressing</p><p>gratitude—even if you’re faking it!—can measurably improve a person’s</p><p>overall happiness and life satisfaction.</p><p>Making gratitude a daily practice has been essential to my recovery. A</p><p>few years ago I started keeping a gratitude journal to help remind myself of</p><p>all the good in my life—my three amazing (if exhausting) children, my</p><p>(occasionally) patient husband, my (messy) home. Sometimes, of course,</p><p>it’s hard to be entirely positive when you’re feeling upset or just not well.</p><p>Yet those are the times when you need gratitude the most. On the hard days</p><p>when I start worrying about my pain, I listen to gratitude affirmations from</p><p>YouTube before going to bed. It helps ease my feelings of anxiety and</p><p>sadness relating to my prognosis.</p><p>Recently, and for the first time, I delivered a talk to an audience of</p><p>several thousand people. Before I walked onstage I took a few seconds to</p><p>myself in the green room to give thanks for what I was about to do. Beneath</p><p>my dress I was wearing a hip brace, a knee brace, and a thoracic belt. I’d</p><p>put on a black leather jacket to hide the bulky straps. There was a time</p><p>when I would have been ashamed of my disability and my limitations. But</p><p>as I walked onstage that night, I felt grateful, courageous, and alive.</p><p>Getting sick helped me realize that I’d forgotten the basics of living a</p><p>healthy life—practising deep, controlled breathing, turning inward,</p><p>downtime, mindfulness, laughter, sleep, exercise, and gratitude. And I’m</p><p>not alone in this. I firmly believe that the frenetic pace of our</p><p>technologically driven twenty-first-century life is leading to epidemics of</p><p>stress, burnout, loneliness, and the chronic diseases that plague Western</p><p>society. I recognized that I’d become so busy multitasking and</p><p>overachieving that I’d thrown my life—and my kids’ lives—off balance. I’d</p><p>stopped making my own endorphins and was running on cortisol. I was</p><p>flattened by this reality, suffered for years, and worked hard to build myself</p><p>back up. It wasn’t easy. But once I did I was struck by how kind and</p><p>generous nature is to us: when we honour our biology, we are rewarded. It’s</p><p>an important lesson to teach our children: when you know yourself and love</p><p>yourself, you can heal yourself.</p><p>REMEMBER…</p><p>Endorphins are the body’s natural painkiller, stress reliever, and bliss molecule</p><p>and protect us from burnout, pain, and illness.</p><p>Endorphins act in opioid receptors in the brain to make us feel a rush of well-</p><p>being when we work out, laugh, or take a long, deep breath.</p><p>Burnout is a state of emotional exhaustion. It comes from depleting our biological</p><p>systems by running on stress and cortisol for too long.</p><p>Technology has made distraction, multitasking, and perfectionism much worse,</p><p>contributing to burnout and other physical and mental health issues.</p><p>Locus of control is a psychological concept that identifies where the control</p><p>centre of your life is. Individuals who depend on external attributes and events to</p><p>feel good about themselves are prone to unhappiness. Those who believe that</p><p>who they are on the inside matters most do better in life.</p><p>Our performance-based culture can contribute to children developing an external</p><p>locus of control, needing more, never feeling good enough.</p><p>When children go inward, listen to their bodies, and practise self-care (such as</p><p>exercise or getting a good night’s sleep), their brain’s motivation centres light up</p><p>from the wave of endorphins.</p><p>When they’re distracted, don’t listen to their bodies, and lack self-care, they feel</p><p>tired and irritable.</p><p>Mindfulness, meditation, laughter, music, and gratitude encourage the mind to</p><p>think in healthier ways, reducing stress, depression, anxiety, pain, and insomnia</p><p>and improving memory, problem solving, creativity, and overall happiness.</p><p>When kids rest, their brains are anything but idle or unproductive. Quieting their</p><p>mind allows them to affirm their identities and make sense of themselves and</p><p>their interactions.</p><p>SOLUTIONS</p><p>In this chapter we explored the power of endorphins and the importance of</p><p>self-care. Endorphins, you’ll remember, are released when we slow down</p><p>and take care of ourselves by taking breaks, being mindful, and being</p><p>grateful, for example. Your children can naturally produce endorphins. The</p><p>neurotransmitters make them feel good after they run around outside, laugh</p><p>out loud, or meditate. When your children connect with themselves and</p><p>practise self-care they feel energized, exuberant, alive.</p><p>In the pages ahead I’ll outline a series of tactics you can use to guide</p><p>your kids towards self-care. These practices will help counter the increasing</p><p>trend of burnout and the twin scourges of perfectionism and multitasking.</p><p>I’ll also encourage the kinds of technology use that foster downtime, self-</p><p>care, and endorphin release.</p><p>KEY STRATEGIES</p><p>DON’T</p><p>Overschedule your kids’ lives</p><p>Show your kids love only when they perform</p><p>Compare them to others</p><p>Focus on who they are on the outside (awards, grades, athleticism) at the</p><p>expense of who they are on the inside (kind, honest, creative)</p><p>Forget that they’re always watching what we do</p><p>DO</p><p>Celebrate efforts over performance</p><p>Focus on progress, not perfection</p><p>Love your kids for who they are</p><p>Help them set realistic goals</p><p>Fight perfectionism by talking about your own failures and what you learned from</p><p>them</p><p>Guide your child towards practising self-care</p><p>AVOID…</p><p>Multitasking is toxic, so avoid it at all costs! When using tech, it’s important to focus</p><p>on one task at a time. Remember to keep talking to your child about avoiding falling</p><p>prey to online comparisons and FOMO.</p><p>LIMIT AND MONITOR…</p><p>Any technology used mindlessly, without a clear purpose. With this kind of usage, the</p><p>flight response of distraction will suck away important time and energy.</p><p>ENCOURAGE…</p><p>Technology that helps promote self-care practices like deep breathing, sleep,</p><p>mindfulness, and exercise. The Spark Mindset app, developed by my team and I,</p><p>has been designed to enhance children’s self-care, focus, resiliency, and self-</p><p>motivation.</p><p>HOW TO RECOGNIZE BURNOUT IN YOUR KIDS</p><p>For adults, burnout mostly relates to excessive or prolonged stress, whether</p><p>in the home or at work. In children, though, it occurs when they face</p><p>ongoing stress or just busyness with little chance to relax and recharge.</p><p>Here I’ve listed some signs of burnout to watch for. You’ll see that many of</p><p>these behaviours reflect the stress response: freeze (anxiety), fight</p><p>(irritability), and flight (avoidance or distraction).</p><p>Procrastination: Your child used to race to do his homework after</p><p>school. Now you have to keep reminding him until he sits down to do</p><p>it.</p><p>Avoidance: He used to love soccer and taekwondo. Now he comes up</p><p>with all kinds of excuses to avoid going.</p><p>Being late: His positive attitude has disappeared. He’s often late to</p><p>school or to practice.</p><p>Trouble concentrating: He’s constantly distracted and can’t sit still for</p><p>longer than a few minutes at a time.</p><p>Snappishness or testiness: These days, everything seems to upset her.</p><p>Negativity: He constantly</p><p>into a waiter.</p><p>Don’t get me wrong: I’m no Luddite; I love tech. My phone is my</p><p>research assistant, my camera, my meditation teacher. It gets me to</p><p>meetings on time and reminds me to call the kids’ dentist. It even</p><p>encourages me to take steps when I’ve been sitting for too long! But I also</p><p>love powering it down and going for a walk with my husband, reading a</p><p>good book, or having an uninterrupted night out with my family.</p><p>From restaurants to bedrooms to cars to classrooms, screens have become</p><p>an ineluctable part of life for most people. Back in the halcyon days of our</p><p>romance with screens, we thought our smartphones could do no wrong. We</p><p>greeted each new app, whether it was Uber, Candy Crush, Tinder, or</p><p>Instagram, with gushing excitement, dutifully downloading it to our phones.</p><p>But we know better now. These new tools aren’t nearly as innocent as they</p><p>once seemed. Not having read the fine print, we didn’t realize that most of</p><p>them were hoovering up our data and following us all over the internet. We</p><p>know now that technology is often manipulating our decisions, dictating</p><p>how we behave and how we feel. We also know that scientists are recording</p><p>measurable changes in the brains of babies exposed to excessive screen</p><p>time.</p><p>According to the 2017 “Stress in America” survey, compiled by the</p><p>American Psychological Association, 48 percent of parents say that</p><p>regulating their child’s screen time is a constant battle. Fifty-eight percent</p><p>say they worry about the influence of social media on their child’s physical</p><p>and mental health. We’re concerned for our children, and we know that our</p><p>own current relationship with tech is unsustainable. And yet, as we allow</p><p>our smartphones to control more and more of how we spend our time, how</p><p>we feel, and how we act, too many of us are letting our kids follow us down</p><p>the same path.</p><p>Phone obsession is now so common that it’s acquired its own lexicon. All</p><p>around us at the restaurant that night, people were phubbing (phone +</p><p>snubbing) their loved ones. Technoference (technology + interference) was</p><p>keeping the toddler—who was glued to her iPad—from hearing her mother</p><p>until Mom lost her temper. And the teen who bowled over the server is</p><p>what’s known as a smombie—a smartphone zombie. To the Chinese, he’s a</p><p>member of the “bowed head tribe”—pedestrians who insist on texting and</p><p>playing games while walking. To keep them safe, officials have even built</p><p>separated lanes for them in the Chinese cities of Chongqing and Xian.</p><p>Before we left the restaurant, our server stopped us to say how nice it was</p><p>to see our three kids actually talking to their parents throughout the meal.</p><p>She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen that. Normally, she said,</p><p>kids and parents are focused on their screens. I felt a creeping worry come</p><p>over me when I heard that. But I wasn’t surprised.</p><p>HOW IS TECHNOLOGY AFFECTING OUR KIDS?</p><p>Smombie lanes may seem a bit extreme, but at this point most teenagers are</p><p>checking their phones 150 times per day—that is, once every six minutes.</p><p>Add it all up and they’re spending more than seven hours a day looking at</p><p>their smartphones—and that’s outside of school or homework! As New</p><p>York University marketing professor Adam Alter points out, this means that</p><p>over the course of their lives our kids are going to spend at least seven years</p><p>immersed in their phones. Let that sink in for a minute: Seven. Freaking.</p><p>Years. And given the increasing pace of use, I think it will probably end up</p><p>being a lot more than that.</p><p>The way our kids are using tech, and indeed being encouraged to use it—</p><p>mindlessly scrolling through bottomless feeds while cycling through four or</p><p>five open apps, the basketball game on in the background—is clearly not</p><p>healthy for their developing minds. It means their brains are always on the</p><p>go, which in turn makes them reactive and jumpy and leads to feelings of</p><p>being unsettled and anxious. And with a smartphone at the tips of their</p><p>fingers, many of them have never had to remember anything, or come up</p><p>with a new idea, or figure out how to stave off boredom, or learn to sit and</p><p>relax and just be.</p><p>New research is even showing that smartphones and screens could be</p><p>changing the structure and function of children’s brains. In one particularly</p><p>alarming 2019 study, published in the journal JAMA Pediatrics, brain scans</p><p>revealed that toddlers who spent more time in front of screens had lower</p><p>myelination, or “white matter integrity,” in their brains. Further testing</p><p>showed they had lower literacy and language skills.</p><p>Myelin (often called white matter because of its whitish colour) is an</p><p>insulating layer of fat that forms around the nerves. Like the insulation</p><p>surrounding electrical wiring, it protects the neuron and helps nerve signals</p><p>(electrical impulses) fire faster and more accurately. At around eighteen</p><p>months, the neural pathway connecting Broca’s area and Wernicke’s area—</p><p>two key cortical areas known for the production and comprehension of</p><p>human language, respectively—becomes fully myelinated. That’s what</p><p>allows toddlers to go from being able to understand words to being able to</p><p>say them, and explains the results of the 2019 study.</p><p>The importance of myelin in language development is just one example</p><p>among many. The reality is that a child’s entire cognitive function depends</p><p>on the integrity of the myelin structure in their brains. By that I mean that</p><p>their ability to store, retrieve, and process information into thinking, feeling,</p><p>and behaving depends on how well organized their nerves are and how</p><p>thick the myelin sheath surrounding them is. When the myelin sheath gets</p><p>too thin or is damaged, nerves will not fire normally. The impulses can slow</p><p>down and even stop, causing mental health, behavioural, and neurological</p><p>problems.</p><p>Technology use carries with it myriad other potential consequences—</p><p>among them cyberbullying, sleep deprivation, poor posture, back and neck</p><p>pain, sedentary behaviours, obesity, loneliness, diminished eyesight,</p><p>anxiety, depression, body image disturbance, and addiction. All of these are</p><p>changing children in elemental ways, interrupting rudimental biological</p><p>drives to connect, to become independent, even to procreate.</p><p>DO THEY KNOW SOMETHING WE DON’T?</p><p>Tech executives were the first to recognize the problem more than a decade</p><p>ago. Shortly after the iPad’s 2010 release, Apple founder Steve Jobs was</p><p>asked by The New York Times what his children thought of the new device.</p><p>Jobs told reporter Nick Bilton that they hadn’t used it, that he and his wife</p><p>“limit how much technology the kids use at home.” Bilton was so</p><p>astonished that he went on to interview a series of Silicon Valley executives</p><p>—most of whom, he discovered, either barred or strictly limited their kids’</p><p>access to tech. “Tech CEOs,” Bilton concluded, “seem to know something</p><p>that the rest of us don’t.” Apple CEO Tim Cook recently said that he</p><p>banned his nephew from social media. Microsoft founder Bill Gates refused</p><p>to let his kids have smartphones until they were fourteen. His wife,</p><p>Melinda, now says that she wishes they’d waited longer.</p><p>Just how did our children become slaves to the devices that were</p><p>supposed to free us, to connect us, to give us more time to experience life</p><p>and the people we love? As it turns out, by design. At some point the goal</p><p>of a lot of technology companies seemed to stop being about connecting</p><p>people. It became a race for who could come up with the most enticing</p><p>notification, the most ingenious way of getting us to check our phones again</p><p>and again.</p><p>This is the driving force behind technology’s “attention economy”: that</p><p>free app or social network or search engine that appears to have been</p><p>created to help you is actually meant to capture your data, which can then</p><p>be packaged and sold to somebody else. This is now a trillion-dollar-a-year</p><p>industry. The data it gleans recently surpassed oil in value, becoming the</p><p>most valuable asset on earth.</p><p>The human cost of all this is enormous. Your kids’ devices are stealing</p><p>their time, devouring years of their lives</p><p>makes negative comments about activities</p><p>he used to love.</p><p>Apathy: She doesn’t seem to care about things the way she once did.</p><p>When you used to ask her about gymnastics class, she’d tell you all</p><p>about what she learned. Now she just shrugs and says “It was fine.”</p><p>Anxiety and fearfulness: Preparing for science and math tests was</p><p>never easy for her, but she’s suddenly super anxious about tests, to the</p><p>point where it’s causing her to lose sleep and have nightmares.</p><p>SELF-CARE FOR KIDS</p><p>The best way to prevent and manage burnout is with self-care. Remember</p><p>the coping skills we learned in Chapter 4—downtime, others, and play (this</p><p>page)? These activities are actually much more than just coping skills.</p><p>When used every day as a practice, the same activities become tools for</p><p>self-care, health, vitality, and peak performance. A daily dose from all three</p><p>categories will keep your child in growth mode, helping them feel</p><p>motivated, confident, and creative. If possible, help your child create a</p><p>quiet, personal space where they can go to practise some of these</p><p>techniques. Often, technology can help! The more they practise, the more</p><p>skilled they’ll become.</p><p>Biofeedback</p><p>Biofeedback is a powerful technology tool kids can use to get to know</p><p>themselves, whether it’s figuring out how much time they’re spending</p><p>sitting, on their screens, and sleeping or how their heart rate changes when</p><p>they breathe deeply or play a violent video game.</p><p>My kids use Apple’s Health app and Fitbits to track steps, heart rate, and</p><p>sleep quality. The app can also track nutrition, menstrual cycles, and body</p><p>measurements. There are countless technology devices that can provide</p><p>valuable biofeedback for things like posture, mindfulness, and meditation.</p><p>Breathing Practice</p><p>As I mentioned in Chapter 4, deep, controlled breathing is one of the most</p><p>powerful coping skills your children can acquire. However, if you want</p><p>them to do more than just cope, guide them to practise breath work daily for</p><p>peak performance. This stretches the receptors that signal safety and</p><p>activate the parasympathetic system.</p><p>Breath work can also be a wonderful metaphor when encouraging your</p><p>child to develop a new mindset towards life. Just as it’s impossible to avoid</p><p>or hold on to your breath for more than a few seconds, the same is true for</p><p>the inevitable changes in life. Eventually you have to let go.</p><p>Yes, Kids Can Meditate!</p><p>There are many ways to meditate. Some are based on ancient practices,</p><p>others on modern science. The cool part is that throughout the ages and</p><p>across the world, the basic technique of meditation has remained the same:</p><p>Still your mind. Move from thinking about the past or future to being in the</p><p>present.</p><p>There are countless apps that provide some basic theory and offer</p><p>mindful minutes and guided meditations. These can be a great place to get</p><p>started. Don’t expect your child to fall into a blissful meditative practice</p><p>right away. The key is to begin—and to try a little bit every day. I suggest</p><p>first thing in the morning or last thing in the evening, for logistical reasons:</p><p>it’s quiet, and there are fewer interruptions. A comfortable space that’s free</p><p>of distractions, such as a bedroom or office, works best.</p><p>Encourage Journaling</p><p>Evidence shows that writing down your thoughts and feelings helps to</p><p>improve your mood and reduce anxiety and stress. Many of the children and</p><p>teens I work with love to write or draw in a journal or diary. These are</p><p>deeply personal and private, so consider taking your child to buy one (or</p><p>help them make one) that appeals to them. Tell them that it’s theirs and that</p><p>you won’t read it.</p><p>I’ve shifted my own practice from writing things down to voice dictation</p><p>straight into the notes section of my phone. I find this to be a faster way of</p><p>getting my thoughts and ideas out without the risk of losing them (thank</p><p>you, cloud storage!). By now I’ve compiled a lot of meaningful journal</p><p>entries that I love to go back and read or listen to again.</p><p>Don’t Forget Music and Laughter</p><p>Have your child create playlists for different moods or actions—whether it’s</p><p>a study playlist, a trampoline playlist, a road trip playlist, or a playlist to</p><p>help them relax or calm down.</p><p>Spend some time reviewing and approving comedians, TV shows, and</p><p>YouTube videos that encourage your children to laugh. Steer kids towards</p><p>content that doesn’t make jokes that are racist, sexist, or homophobic, or</p><p>that otherwise come at the expense of others. Encourage them to use</p><p>technology for music and laughter as part of self-care.</p><p>Practise Gratitude</p><p>Role-model gratitude for your children by saying “thank you” as much as</p><p>you can in your day. Be mindful of your own complaining, and try to</p><p>reduce or stop it altogether. Instead, show appreciation for the little things</p><p>people do that make a difference in your day. Sweat the small stuff!</p><p>I ask my kids to think of or recite three things they’re grateful for every</p><p>morning and evening. I encourage them to choose different things each</p><p>time. This practice works better, I find, when it’s tied to a daily activity, like</p><p>going to bed, brushing their teeth, or before dinner. You can also use these</p><p>first or final hours of the day to tell your kids how grateful you are to have</p><p>them in your life, citing specific things you appreciate about them.</p><p>Nature Is Great Therapy, Especially for Kids</p><p>Humans have a primal relationship with nature; our bodies love being</p><p>outdoors. The sounds, smells, and colours of nature can lift your kids’</p><p>moods and focus. Natural sunlight first thing in the morning, for example,</p><p>will improve not only their mood and energy levels but also their evening</p><p>sleep.</p><p>We forget that nature is full of the elements—among them water,</p><p>minerals, and essential oils—that heal us. My kids take warm baths with</p><p>mineral salts and oils to help their bodies and minds recover after a day of</p><p>sports or stress.</p><p>Stop Perfectionism!</p><p>If you see early perfectionist behaviours, intervene! Discuss the many</p><p>downsides of perfectionism, including the impact of harshly evaluating</p><p>yourself and others. Explain the links to anxiety, depression, and diminished</p><p>achievement. Have your child colour outside the lines, wear their hair a bit</p><p>messy, hand in assignments in which they took some risks. It’s good to</p><p>break some rules and go against conformity—within healthy boundaries, of</p><p>course!</p><p>Less Multitasking, More Mindfulness</p><p>Mindfulness is a simple technique that emphasizes paying attention to the</p><p>present moment in an accepting, nonjudgmental manner. When we’re</p><p>focused in this way our brain gets the signal that we’re safe, thus making</p><p>mindfulness a useful tool for decreasing anxiety and promoting happiness.</p><p>You don’t need a lot of instruction, just a lot of practice! Guide children</p><p>to engage in activities mindfully, one at a time. For example, I believe that</p><p>how you eat is just as important as what you eat. Eating while you’re</p><p>stressed out and multitasking will convert all the wonderful energy in your</p><p>food into fuel for the survival system. Instead, have your kids take a few</p><p>deep breaths, centre themselves, look at their food, and mindfully consume</p><p>their meal. This is a key practice to help move that nutritional energy from</p><p>survival to growth.</p><p>There are internet extensions and apps you can install in your child’s</p><p>devices that will encourage them to stay on task. For example, with one of</p><p>these, called The Forest, the longer you stay on an app the more the tree</p><p>grows—and if you open a blacklisted site, the tree will die.</p><p>And guess what’s one of the easiest ways to encourage mindfulness? Just</p><p>let your kids play! We’ll dig deeper into the science of play in Chapter 7,</p><p>but for now it’s enough to know that non-tech play is a form of</p><p>mindfulness. When your child is building a sandcastle, playing an</p><p>imaginary game, doing a cartwheel, or shooting hoops in a back alley,</p><p>they’re fully engrossed in the moment and releasing loads of endorphins.</p><p>And when play develops a rhythm, as when a child is absorbed in a drawing</p><p>or a teenager is skateboarding all</p><p>alone, it can become meditative.</p><p>Make Character Education and Training a Priority</p><p>Given all the messaging in our culture that leads to burnout, perfectionism,</p><p>external locus of control, and the attendant problems they cause, we need to</p><p>make sure our children have a clear moral compass to which they can</p><p>always return. Here are a few ways to help establish a strong moral</p><p>compass in your family.</p><p>Create a family motto or a list of family values: These could include</p><p>such traits as honesty, respect, love, integrity, humility, contribution,</p><p>courage, responsibility, and citizenship. Have fun doing this, and enrich</p><p>the exercise by drawing from stories of your past, your ancestors, faith,</p><p>or community affiliations. Our family motto is “Work hard, think</p><p>positive, make the world a better place, and have fun!”</p><p>Pay attention to and reinforce your child’s school values: Don’t</p><p>gloss over this aspect of your child’s school life to focus on academics</p><p>or sports. Character is tied to success more than either of those. I have</p><p>my children highlight areas of their report card that comment on values</p><p>such as empathy, effort, kindness, and responsibility.</p><p>Use sports and extracurriculars to build character: Sports provide</p><p>tons of opportunity to learn respect—for coaches, teammates, and</p><p>referees—as well as cooperation, courage, and humility. Discourage</p><p>bragging when your children win and encourage resiliency when they</p><p>lose.</p><p>6</p><p>WIRED TO CONNECT: Oxytocin and How Tech Can Help</p><p>Kids Build Community as Never Before</p><p>What you seek is seeking you.</p><p>—RUMI</p><p>NOT LONG AGO I WAS visiting New Zealand to speak at a national conference</p><p>of school principals. As I do most days, I got onto FaceTime with my kids,</p><p>who passed the phone to my dad. He’s always wanted to see New Zealand,</p><p>but he’s eighty-seven now, and it occurred to me that he’s unlikely to get the</p><p>chance.</p><p>My father, Malkiat Kang, is a math whiz. Growing up in India, he’d</p><p>always wanted to teach the subject. Finally the day came when, in the late</p><p>1940s, he was to write the exam to get into teachers’ college. That morning</p><p>he stopped to pick up his friend, who was also sitting for the exam. The</p><p>boy’s father sent them off with pakoras, a deep-fried snack made from</p><p>chickpeas; the two friends devoured them as they walked. But in an effort to</p><p>give his son a better chance at a seat at the college, the boy’s father had</p><p>laced my dad’s pakoras with marijuana, effectively poisoning him.</p><p>Unsurprisingly, Malkiat felt terribly sick and bombed the exam.</p><p>But he picked himself up and emigrated to Victoria, B.C., where he</p><p>found work on a farm. To this day his fingers are bent and crooked from</p><p>labouring through the winters without gloves—a living memory of his first</p><p>job in Canada. He went on to work in lumber mills and drove taxis at night</p><p>to help put food on the table and raise his five kids. Malkiat eventually</p><p>moved our family to Edmonton, where he put himself through night school</p><p>at the University of Alberta. Almost two and a half decades on, he finally</p><p>achieved his dream of becoming a teacher.</p><p>As I spoke to him from New Zealand’s South Island I held my phone in</p><p>the air, the lens pointed towards the Remarkables, the jagged, misty</p><p>mountain range that appears in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Its gnarled</p><p>forests, slicked with rain, glistened an almost iridescent green. Later I</p><p>showed my dad the lightning-bolt-shaped Lake Wakatipu, the aquamarine</p><p>lake that’s Queenstown’s crown jewel, and together we listened to the</p><p>beautiful chiming call of the bellbird. It felt as though we were travelling</p><p>together.</p><p>My phone has become a source of relentless distraction in my life, but for</p><p>those brief moments of connection, and so many others like it, it deserves</p><p>my deep appreciation. That day I felt instinctively what medical science has</p><p>been increasingly demonstrating for decades: that we’re hardwired to</p><p>connect with others. Compassion and connection are the reasons we’re</p><p>here. Our relationships with others are what give purpose, meaning, and joy</p><p>to our lives.</p><p>My dad was at the other end of the world in Vancouver, but in that</p><p>moment what I wanted more than anything else was to see him, to be with</p><p>him, to show him what all the sacrifices he’d made on my behalf had</p><p>allowed me to achieve. And with a smartphone I was able to do just that.</p><p>Perhaps the most interesting thing about that conversation between my</p><p>dad and me was that eleven thousand kilometres separated us that day. I</p><p>didn’t need to be in the same room as him to feel safe, warm, and</p><p>connected. That means there are plenty of healthy ways for young people to</p><p>connect online. What matters, new research shows, is what type of media</p><p>your children are using. Commenting on a classmate’s Instagram feed is</p><p>one thing. A meaningful conversation with a close friend on Skype is quite</p><p>another.</p><p>LOVE IS A NEUROCHEMICAL CALLED OXYTOCIN</p><p>When my dad and I were talking that day, looking into each other’s eyes</p><p>and smiling back at each other, our bodies were being flooded with a</p><p>hormone known as oxytocin, the hidden key to bonding. It’s another happy</p><p>chemical produced by the hypothalamus in the centre of the brain.</p><p>Oxytocin has been called the “love hormone,” the “cuddle hormone,” the</p><p>“moral molecule.” It’s the neurotransmitter powering connection and love</p><p>in your children—producing a rush of pleasure when they hug Grandma,</p><p>cuddle up to a puppy, or read a loving birthday message. It helps them</p><p>maintain intimate, healthy relationships and is said to be at the core of their</p><p>virtues, from trust and empathy to cooperation.</p><p>Scientists first discovered this neurochemical in new moms, who</p><p>experience a surging of oxytocin after birth that makes them feel more</p><p>connected to their newborns. It also helps lower their blood pressure and</p><p>heart rate, making them feel less stressed. When we feel connected, we’re</p><p>more likely to move out of survival mode; we want to help others and care</p><p>for those around us. A study of rats showed that females injected with</p><p>oxytocin would care for newborn rodents when they were released into their</p><p>cages—newborns they would otherwise attack.</p><p>The hormone works a lot like the love potions from fairy tales, making us</p><p>feel more empathetic, generous, warm, and open to connection. One of my</p><p>favourite things about oxytocin is how simple it is to get your fix: all you</p><p>need to do is evoke feelings of love, compassion, and connection. A hug or</p><p>even just a loving thought can do the trick.</p><p>Researchers have found that when a parent smiles, hugs, or plays with</p><p>their child, oxytocin levels in both parent and child rise in step. That’s</p><p>because love, unlike joy or happiness, is often a two-way street. It is most</p><p>powerful in the shared connection between two people. When two brains</p><p>interact in this way, scientists believe that they synchronize, a process</p><p>thought to be supported by what are known as “mirror neurons.” These are</p><p>brain cells that allow us to feel what others are feeling by subconsciously</p><p>“mirroring” their behaviours and emotions. Because they allow us to see,</p><p>feel, and mimic others’ actions and feelings, these neurons are believed to</p><p>play a role in empathy and in understanding others’ intentions.</p><p>And oxytocin doesn’t just come from our brains. It’s also released from</p><p>our hearts! Thanks to groundbreaking research by organizations like the</p><p>Heart Math Institute, we can now prove what ancient cultures have known</p><p>all along—that the human heart is so much more than a mechanical pump.</p><p>The heart contains roughly forty thousand specialized, intelligent sensory</p><p>neurites, and when we feel connected to others, these neurites release</p><p>neurochemicals like oxytocin directly into our bloodstream. Our heart</p><p>contains cells that also synthesize and release atrial peptide. Atrial peptide</p><p>is an intriguing hormone that I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about. It’s now</p><p>being called the “balance hormone,” since it not only plays an important</p><p>role in fluid and electrolyte balance but also helps regulate the blood</p><p>vessels, kidneys, adrenal glands, and many regulatory centres</p><p>in the brain.</p><p>Increased atrial peptide inhibits the release of stress hormones, and appears</p><p>to interact with the immune system. Experiments suggest that atrial peptide</p><p>can even influence motivation and behaviour.</p><p>In short, our hearts, perhaps even more than our brains, impact how we</p><p>feel. And knowing that the heart actually responds physically to social</p><p>interaction only underlines for us the enormous power of our relationships.</p><p>WE’RE WIRED TO CONNECT</p><p>A massive and growing body of research—from the cognitive sciences,</p><p>comparative animal behaviour, and evolutionary biology—supports the idea</p><p>that your child, like all humans, is an innately social creature. This need is</p><p>embedded in their DNA. They crave community. They’re driven to be</p><p>curious about the people around them, to share their stories, secrets, and</p><p>emotions. They’re hardwired to connect to others at a deep level. In fact,</p><p>without these authentic social interactions, they’ll suffer.</p><p>Believe it or not, your children’s need for community is as fundamental</p><p>as their need for food and shelter. These connections nourish them. They</p><p>centre them. They make them feel that they’re loved and supported, that</p><p>they count. Being tightly bonded with a community of likeminded people is</p><p>“central to what makes us the most successful species on earth,”</p><p>neurobiologist Matthew Lieberman writes in Social: Why Our Brains Are</p><p>Wired to Connect. “Connecting with others is what provides richness in life,</p><p>makes us feel safe, and has us recognize that we’re part of something</p><p>greater than ourselves.”</p><p>That might help explain the enduring popularity of the internet’s top</p><p>website, a platform built to connect us to our friends. Indeed, if it were a</p><p>religion, Facebook, with its 2.3 billion adherents, would be the world’s</p><p>largest, ahead of Christianity (2.1 billion) and Islam (1.5 billion).</p><p>I’ve mentioned how life in prehistoric times was brutal, how survival</p><p>depended on being accepted into a tribe. Being cast out was an effective</p><p>death sentence. Your modern-day tribe comprises the people you visit,</p><p>connect with regularly, and check in on. Connecting with them makes you</p><p>feel happier. And when you’re happier, you tend to be a lot more fun to be</p><p>around. This begets a pro-social feedback loop that looks something like</p><p>this:</p><p>WHY IT HURTS TO BE LEFT OUT</p><p>We’re shaped by our paleolithic past, with the survival instincts we acquired</p><p>to endure the harsh realities of tribal society still influencing our actions and</p><p>behaviours today. That’s why we yearn to fit in, why we fear rejection. We</p><p>want to share good news with our tribe so that they’ll continue to value us,</p><p>to want to keep us within the circle. This helps explain why a cruel word</p><p>from a friend or a rejection by a romantic partner can hurt so much. And if</p><p>we’re hurt by our loved ones in childhood, whether by abuse, neglect, or the</p><p>death of a parent, it can lead to long-term health and behavioural problems.</p><p>When our ties to our community are threatened or severed, we feel what</p><p>psychologists call “social pain”—and often in the heart. We see this</p><p>reflected in language. The terminology of physical pain is almost</p><p>universally used to express emotional pain—“She hurt my feelings,” for</p><p>example. The French J’ai mal au coeur means “My heart is aching.” The</p><p>Spanish morir de pena translates as “to die from a broken heart.” German</p><p>speakers, meanwhile, use herz gebrochen to express the feeling of having</p><p>one’s “heart crushed.”</p><p>It’s there in the language of the ancients, too. The Sumerians, one of the</p><p>earliest known civilizations, had a proverb that called on the goddess of</p><p>love to “pour oil on my heart that aches.” Biblical references to heartache</p><p>date to 1015 BC: “Insults have broken my heart and left me weak, I looked</p><p>for sympathy but there was none; I found no one to comfort me” (Psalm</p><p>69:20). Rudaki, who died in 941 AD and was widely known as the father of</p><p>Persian poetry, once wrote that “Thunder moans like a lover with a broken</p><p>heart.”</p><p>YES, SOCIAL PAIN IS REAL PAIN</p><p>Advances in neuroscience continue to demonstrate that our brains register</p><p>social pain in the same place, using the same neural circuitry, as they do</p><p>physical pain, yielding parallel reactions. As far as the brain is concerned,</p><p>emotional and physical pain are indistinguishable. This confirms what we</p><p>all know innately: that being teased, left out, or bullied can really, really</p><p>hurt.</p><p>One of the most well known studies highlighting this involves a game of</p><p>virtual catch that cognitive scientists call “cyberball.” In a series of studies</p><p>conducted in the early 2000s at UCLA’s Social Cognitive Neuroscience</p><p>Lab, participants were hooked up to an fMRI scanning device that</p><p>registered their brain activity. While the subject of the experiment believed</p><p>she was throwing the “ball” around with real people hooked up to similar</p><p>screens, she was actually playing with preprogrammed avatars. After a</p><p>while the avatars started throwing the ball back and forth between</p><p>themselves, excluding her. That’s when the woman’s anterior cingulate</p><p>cortex, the region involved in processing pain, lit up. She felt hurt and</p><p>offended.</p><p>The experiment illustrated that something so trivial as being ignored in a</p><p>simple game of catch was registered by the brain as a painful event. Further</p><p>studies showed the same results, even when the person being ostracized was</p><p>told they’d be paid for their isolation. This suggests that the old idiom about</p><p>sticks and stones may need updating. A more accurate rendition would be</p><p>Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can deeply wound me.</p><p>HUMAN CONTACT IS NOW A LUXURY GOOD</p><p>While we need human contact in the same way we need food and shelter,</p><p>the digital age, with its emphasis on efficiencies, self-checkouts, and digital</p><p>libraries, is sharply reducing our opportunities to connect. Our modern</p><p>world is increasingly built around the idea that we humans prefer the</p><p>solitary life and can thrive on our own. Our economy has realigned to meet</p><p>our desire to queue up a movie on Netflix and order a meal from Uber Eats</p><p>without ever leaving home. But this is also realigning the way kids are</p><p>interacting with the world around them.</p><p>Some are choosing to check out entirely. In Chapter 3, I mentioned</p><p>Japan’s hikikomori, young people who’ve sequestered themselves in their</p><p>rooms, spending their time online. Closer to home, I recently started</p><p>treating a teenage boy whose parents were concerned that his increasing</p><p>isolation was affecting his mental health. “I really don’t know why my</p><p>parents brought me here,” Andreas told me the first time we met. “I like</p><p>being by myself. I like staying up late all alone. I chat with people online</p><p>when I’m gaming. I don’t need anyone else in my life. There is nothing</p><p>wrong with me.” Who was right?</p><p>It’s true that the degree of social contact a person typically has varies</p><p>widely. As the mother of both a quiet, thoughtful, more introverted child</p><p>and an extrovert who speaks in a booming voice and loves telling endless</p><p>stories, I see this dynamic in my own family. But was Andreas correct? Are</p><p>some children perfectly all right being alone? Is love and belonging a</p><p>convenience that we can live without?</p><p>Andreas claimed he didn’t need people in his life, and he might indeed</p><p>learn to soothe himself as best he can. But the emotional circuitry of his</p><p>brain, which requires closeness and connection, will suffer grievously. For a</p><p>social species like ours, being on the outskirts of society is not only sad; it</p><p>can be dangerous. Extensive research has shown that monkeys raised in</p><p>isolation will develop severe social deficits and reclusive tendencies,</p><p>huddling in the corners of their cages, rocking mechanically, self-</p><p>mutilating. When you try to house them with other monkeys, they won’t</p><p>learn to play or interact with the others. They become fearful, impulsive,</p><p>aggressive. Their sex drive disappears. When the American psychologist</p><p>Harry Harlow deprived infant rhesus macaque monkeys of social contact</p><p>for a year, they were socially “obliterated,” he observed, “incapable</p><p>of</p><p>interaction of any kind.”</p><p>We don’t run experiments like this on humans for obvious reasons, but</p><p>researchers observed similarly devastating reactions in children rescued</p><p>from impoverished Romanian orphanages in the 1990s, a time when the</p><p>then Communist country outlawed abortion. Many of these children—who</p><p>were left malnourished and unattended in their cribs, receiving just five or</p><p>six minutes of care every day—grew up with severe social, cognitive, and</p><p>behavioural issues. They had poor impulse control, low academic</p><p>achievement, problems in coping and regulating emotions, low self-esteem,</p><p>and pathological behaviours, including tics, tantrums, stealing, and self-</p><p>punishment. Early social deprivation, scientists are beginning to understand,</p><p>can alter a person’s brain and behaviour. In some cases the effects of neglect</p><p>will never be reversed.</p><p>Some of the best-known research into the effects of isolation was</p><p>conducted in the 1990s by psychiatrist Stuart Grassian, who interviewed</p><p>hundreds of prisoners spending prolonged periods in solitary confinement.</p><p>Roughly one-third were “actively psychotic and/or acutely suicidal,”</p><p>Grassian found; he also observed hallucinations, extreme paranoia,</p><p>impulsiveness, self-harm, and hypersensitivity.</p><p>Research conducted over a decade at the University of Chicago showed</p><p>that socially isolated people are more irritable, more aggressive, more</p><p>depressed, more sleep-deprived, more self-centred, and more likely to see</p><p>unfamiliar people in a bad light. Isolated people become hypervigilant</p><p>about scorn and tend to think others are being hostile—a vicious cycle.</p><p>What, I sometimes wonder, is happening in the brains of infants who are</p><p>nursed by a mother holding a phone in one hand? Or in the minds of</p><p>toddlers trying to play with their laptop-immersed dad? Or the teens who</p><p>hardly ever seem to look up from their screens anymore? Are they missing</p><p>the crucial social dance that occurs between parent and child, the</p><p>opportunity to connect and bond with the people right in front of them?</p><p>THE HIGH PRICE OF LONELINESS</p><p>Your children will, unfortunately, feel loneliness at some point in their lives.</p><p>The awful ache arises when their need for social connections isn’t met.</p><p>They might feel lonely in a crowded city, among friends and their closest</p><p>family. But if this loneliness becomes persistent, it can become chronic—</p><p>and pose significant risks to their health and well-being.</p><p>I don’t see many elderly patients anymore, but I’ll never forget one from</p><p>my medical training years ago. Death was coming swiftly for her, and she</p><p>knew it. Doctors had given her two weeks to live at the outside. When I</p><p>gently inquired about whom she might wish to see in her final days, she told</p><p>me there was no one. She had no immediate family in the city: no partner,</p><p>no children. There were no close friends. There was a cousin on the</p><p>opposite coast, but it had been years since they’d been in touch. Her</p><p>isolation gutted me—and left me wondering whether it had played any role</p><p>in her premature death from cancer.</p><p>The science would say yes. And I’m increasingly encountering teens and</p><p>young adults much like her: isolated, lonely, lacking even a single close</p><p>companion. The data reflects what I’m seeing in my own practice:</p><p>Thirty years ago, when Americans were asked how many confidants</p><p>they had in their lives, the most common answer was three. Today, the</p><p>most common answer is zero.</p><p>The problem is most extreme in the industrialized world, where one in</p><p>three people report feeling lonely.</p><p>Fifty percent of Canadians say they “often feel alone.”</p><p>Fifty percent of Americans say they “lack companionship or</p><p>meaningful relationships.”</p><p>In a recent survey conducted in the U.K., 60 percent of respondents</p><p>listed their pet as their closest companion.</p><p>In Japan, there are more than a half-million people under forty who</p><p>haven’t left their homes or interacted with anyone for at least six</p><p>months.</p><p>Loneliness not only feels awful; it can also make you depressed. It can</p><p>make it hard to sleep, and it can even cause your premature death. We are a</p><p>social species, and not having a social support system is a source of chronic</p><p>stress for our bodies:</p><p>Loneliness may be worse for longevity than smoking, air pollution, or</p><p>obesity.</p><p>Chronic loneliness has also been linked with an increased risk of</p><p>developing or dying from everything from heart disease to dementia.</p><p>A recent review of 148 studies concluded that being lonely increased a</p><p>woman’s risk of dying by 49 percent and a man’s by 50 percent. And</p><p>research has shown that socially isolated kids have significantly poorer</p><p>health outcomes even twenty years later.</p><p>Young people aged sixteen to twenty-four report feeling lonely more</p><p>often than older age groups. For this age group, loneliness and social</p><p>isolation are major precipitants of suicide.</p><p>Loneliness and suicide are complex. Not every young person feeling</p><p>lonely will be suicidal, nor does loneliness always play a role in a young</p><p>person’s decision to attempt to end their lives. But we know that there’s a</p><p>link between suicide and loneliness, and that reducing loneliness can be key</p><p>to reducing the risk of suicide. Every young person needs to know that it’s</p><p>okay to ask for help, and that someone will listen.</p><p>In summarizing his experience as a doctor, former U.S. surgeon general</p><p>Vivek Murthy said that the most common pathology he saw in his time as</p><p>the nation’s top doctor was “not heart disease or diabetes; it was</p><p>loneliness.” Indeed, loneliness has been blamed for helping fuel everything</p><p>from the opioid crisis and Brexit to the election of U.S. president Donald</p><p>Trump and mass killings. The young man accused of killing twenty-two</p><p>people at a Texas Walmart in 2019 was described by the L.A. Times as an</p><p>“extreme loner.” The same descriptor was applied to Anders Breivik, who</p><p>killed seventy-seven people in Norway in 2011; the so-called Unabomber,</p><p>Ted Kaczynski; and Seung-Hui Cho, who killed thirty-two people at</p><p>Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University in 2007.</p><p>Loneliness has become such a problem in Britain that in 2018 the</p><p>government appointed a “minister for loneliness” to try to address it. British</p><p>firefighters have been trained to inspect homes for signs of social isolation.</p><p>Postal workers are being dispatched on door-knocking campaigns to check</p><p>in on elderly residents, all part of the country’s “Campaign to End</p><p>Loneliness.” And across the U.K. some three hundred “Men’s Sheds” have</p><p>opened—communal workshops aimed at bringing older men and retirees</p><p>together to talk as they tinker with anything from bicycles to bookshelves.</p><p>Despite its prevalence, especially in the industrialized world, people tend</p><p>to shy away from talking about loneliness. We consider it a sad and</p><p>shameful condition, “the psychological equivalent to being a loser in life, or</p><p>a weak person,” John Cacioppo, who spent decades studying loneliness,</p><p>said in a TEDx Talk. Denying loneliness, he told his audience, makes no</p><p>more sense than denying you feel thirst or hunger.</p><p>ARE ONLINE CONNECTIONS GOOD CONNECTIONS?</p><p>The promise of the internet has always been contact, the key ingredient of</p><p>social health. Social media messaging includes chatter about bringing the</p><p>world “closer together” (Facebook’s mission statement). In its infancy, the</p><p>internet seemed to offer an antidote to loneliness by helping people develop</p><p>virtual belonging, no matter how shy or isolated they might be. These</p><p>relationships can be a “life raft for those who have nothing else,”</p><p>psychiatrist Allen Frances told Canada’s National Post newspaper in 2019.</p><p>But, he added, “they can also be an anchor that drags people into even more</p><p>isolation.”</p><p>Consider what you’ve observed in your own kids. Think of the last time</p><p>your daughter was sitting on the couch with her friends, all of them texting</p><p>or Snapping away. There was no face-to-face contact. She wasn’t giggling</p><p>or hugging or high fiving with her pals; she wasn’t doing any of the things</p><p>that we know would flood her system with oxytocin, making her feel loved</p><p>and connected.</p><p>If your daughter is like a lot of kids I know, she’s</p><p>communicating incessantly but rarely having a real conversation. Her</p><p>hangouts are happening on group texts.</p><p>And yet there are also plenty of healthy ways for young people to</p><p>connect online. What matters, new research shows, is what types of media</p><p>they’re using. In a 2016 study, a team of researchers at Lafayette College in</p><p>Easton, Pennsylvania, found that toddlers were able to learn to clap and</p><p>imitate when they were paired with a researcher via FaceTime. Crucially,</p><p>though, when the calls were prerecorded and the child could neither see nor</p><p>hear their partner, they didn’t learn. This suggests that, even when our</p><p>relationships are mediated by tech, we need to continue to experience their</p><p>most human aspects in order to experience deep and meaningful</p><p>connections.</p><p>You’ve probably noticed this in your own life. Have you ever gone on</p><p>FaceTime and felt really excited to see someone, whether it’s your best</p><p>friend’s new baby or your younger brother whom you haven’t visited in a</p><p>long time? I feel very fortunate to be able to get on the road and talk to</p><p>parents about the ups and downs of raising kids. But when I’m out for a</p><p>long stretch I miss my own kids! So I’ve established a routine to try to</p><p>make things easier for all of us. Whenever I arrive at a new hotel I try to get</p><p>on FaceTime to show my kids my room for the night and tell them about</p><p>whatever city or country I happen to find myself in. As soon as I see their</p><p>smiling faces in real time, I feel a rush of pleasure. I start to relax and feel a</p><p>sense of calm come over me. At times these conversations can feel even</p><p>more meaningful than some of the ones we have at home when I’m rushing</p><p>to get them to bed! Clearly, video chat is facilitating healthy connections.</p><p>A study published in 2018 looked at whether Skype could help older</p><p>people beat the blues. The results of the study—led by Alan Teo, a</p><p>professor of psychiatry at the Oregon Health and Science University—were</p><p>stunning: those who used video chat were half as likely to be depressed at a</p><p>two-year follow-up than those who used email, social media, and text</p><p>messaging.</p><p>These studies show that genuine online connections are possible via live</p><p>video, even among the very old and the very young. So, again, whether</p><p>your kids are connecting online depends on how they’re actually going</p><p>about it.</p><p>A lot of people in my field disdain television and video games and</p><p>counsel parents to ban them. But I tend to think they can offer meaningful</p><p>ways to connect. I can see the camaraderie and hear the laughter of my</p><p>sons’ squads when they play video games, and the delight in my daughter’s</p><p>face when her cousin sends her a special, personalized video. And every</p><p>Thanksgiving my family gathers around the TV with our phones in hand to</p><p>watch CNN’s “Everyday Heroes” special. The two-hour event, hosted by</p><p>broadcaster Anderson Cooper, recognizes people who go to extraordinary</p><p>lengths to help others. It’s interactive, allowing my family to learn, to be</p><p>part of the process by voting for their favourite choice, and to be inspired</p><p>along the way.</p><p>READING, WRITING, ’RITHMETIC…RELATIONSHIPS?</p><p>I try to tell parents that kids don’t need four hundred online friends. Nor do</p><p>parents need to arrange playdates with their kids’ friends from soccer, from</p><p>school, from gymnastics, from camp. That’s unrealistic and unnecessary.</p><p>All kids really need are one or two close friends and a greater sense of</p><p>community. The quality of the two or three relationships they do have is</p><p>what really matters. Indeed, as a remarkable 2010 study conducted at</p><p>Montreal’s Concordia University showed, a single friend is enough to ward</p><p>off depression in anxious, withdrawn children.</p><p>Kids, just like parents, go through ups and downs. Those who are shy and</p><p>awkward tend to have a harder time fitting in—and for these kids, the angst</p><p>typical of adolescence can spiral out of control. But the Concordia study</p><p>showed that, among preteens, a good friend is enough to arrest the pull</p><p>towards depression. The child’s friend seemed to at once protect them from</p><p>depression and bestow them with resilience. Dr. William Bukowski, a</p><p>professor of psychology and the study’s lead author, believes that parents</p><p>should be treating friendship as the fourth R. As he puts it, “After ‘reading,</p><p>writing, and ’rithmetic,’ it should be ‘relationships.’ ”</p><p>We parents often become laser-focused on academic achievement. (And</p><p>I’m the first to admit that I’m sometimes guilty of this!) But when we do,</p><p>we can overlook a great way to maintain emotional health, particularly</p><p>through the rocky adolescent years. A key role for all parents is to help our</p><p>children develop meaningful, positive connections. When they’re young we</p><p>can help arrange playdates and sleepovers and group hikes or park visits.</p><p>There comes a time, though, when they no longer need us for this, and we</p><p>have to take a step back from their social lives. But that doesn’t mean we</p><p>have to pull out completely. We can encourage uplifting friendships. We can</p><p>talk about how to develop and negotiate healthy relationships and how</p><p>important our own friends have been to us.</p><p>Remember, socializing may be fun, but it’s not the same as social</p><p>bonding. And commenting on someone’s social media feed is definitely not</p><p>social bonding.</p><p>THE END OF EMPATHY?</p><p>A friend recently told me about something she’d noticed when she was</p><p>pregnant and riding the bus to and from work each day. Even in her eighth</p><p>month—visibly pregnant and obviously uncomfortable—no one would give</p><p>up their seat for her the way they had just seven years earlier, when she’d</p><p>been pregnant the first time. She wondered if this reflected a societal</p><p>change: Are people becoming more selfish? Less empathetic? Have they</p><p>become so engrossed in their phones and social media that they’ve stopped</p><p>noticing—or even caring—about the discomfort and distress of those</p><p>around them?</p><p>My friend isn’t the only one who believes society is becoming</p><p>increasingly cruel, callous, and disconnected:</p><p>Fifty-one percent of Britons said empathy has noticeably declined,</p><p>according to a 2018 YouGov survey.</p><p>Empathy in university students is down by 40 percent since 1980, with</p><p>an especially steep drop in the last ten years, according to an extensive</p><p>2010 study by the University of Michigan that examined twenty years</p><p>of data on university students’ self-reported empathy.</p><p>Levels of narcissism among university-aged youth have meanwhile</p><p>risen by 58 percent, the same study showed.</p><p>CARSON’S STORY</p><p>When I read about the death of a fourteen-year-old boy named Carson Crimeni in</p><p>August 2019, I asked myself the same questions as my friend did. Carson, who’d</p><p>recently finished grade nine, his first year of high school, died in a Langley, B.C., park</p><p>from a drug overdose while he was out with a group of older kids. The death of a</p><p>child is always tragic. But the facts of this case were deeply disturbing.</p><p>Carson, who had a severe form of ADHD, had been relentlessly bullied in school,</p><p>and so the invitation to hang out with a group of much older teens was a rare thrill.</p><p>When he was intoxicated and in distress, the teens he was with gave him drugs,</p><p>mocked him, and filmed him over several hours. Not one of the young people with</p><p>him that night thought to help Carson or call police. Instead they made him a meme,</p><p>posting his ordeal to Snapchat and Instagram, pairing photos and short videos with</p><p>witty taglines.</p><p>In one video taken that night, captioned “12-year-old tweaking on molly,” Carson</p><p>appears heavily intoxicated, allegedly on MDMA, a party drug also known as ecstasy.</p><p>He’s sweating through his grey hoodie, swaying to music while a group of young men</p><p>howl and catcall him. This carries on over several hours that night, even as the boy is</p><p>overheating and losing the ability to speak. Teens burst into laughter when Carson</p><p>can’t seem to recall his name. At that point he curls inward, hugging himself. He</p><p>looks terrified. In the final photo taken that night, a teen leans towards the ambulance</p><p>attending to</p><p>the boy in the background. “Carson almost died lol” the caption reads.</p><p>Within minutes, Carson was in fact dead.</p><p>For Gen Z youth, who spend around nine hours online every day, memes—</p><p>captioned images or videos meant to be funny or sarcastic—have become one of the</p><p>most popular ways to communicate. But in a world where comments and followers</p><p>have become measures of popularity and an “all-about-the-likes” sense of values</p><p>dominates, the bar for outrageous behaviour is constantly being raised. Carson’s</p><p>aunt, Diane Crimeni, told The Globe and Mail that she worries that today’s youth,</p><p>who are viewing everything through a screen, have trouble discerning reality: “To</p><p>them, nothing seems real…. How many kids sat at home watching Carson dying in</p><p>front of their eyes but did nothing?” Diane believes that if someone had instilled</p><p>empathy, whether in the bystanders or in the kids who targeted Carson, her nephew</p><p>might still be alive today.</p><p>Sympathy Versus Empathy</p><p>Sympathy and empathy are commonly confused traits. And although people</p><p>often use the two words interchangeably, they’re related but different</p><p>feelings.</p><p>—</p><p>Sympathy is the ability to express sorrow, compassion, or pity for</p><p>someone’s situation, and to sit with their experience. It boils down to an</p><p>ability to notice and be moved by the distress of another.</p><p>—</p><p>Empathy, according to psychologist Alfred Adler, is “seeing with the eyes</p><p>of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of</p><p>another.” It boils down to the ability to understand what someone else is</p><p>going through, to sit within their experience.</p><p>Raising Empaths</p><p>Most kids can feel sympathy, but not all kids can feel empathy. Although</p><p>there may be some genetic underpinnings, it’s also a learned trait that needs</p><p>to be nurtured and encouraged. Our kids develop it primarily through face-</p><p>to-face interactions—when they’re best able to see the full human reality of</p><p>the person standing in front of them.</p><p>Empathetic kids, who have the ability to walk in another person’s shoes,</p><p>are the ones who stand up to bullies. They’re the ones who take action and</p><p>make the world a better place for us all. They tend to go on to become well-</p><p>adjusted adults who treat others with respect, understanding, and</p><p>compassion. Conversely, a lack of empathy in children is associated with</p><p>bullying, cheating, weak moral reasoning, and such mental health issues as</p><p>anxiety and depression. It can be hard for kids lacking empathy to build</p><p>meaningful relationships. Their behaviour can be viewed as hurtful when</p><p>they disregard the thoughts and feelings of others.</p><p>But empathy is learned best if it’s experienced. And as parents, we</p><p>provide the first opportunities for our children to feel empathy’s powerful</p><p>effects.</p><p>The reasons cited for declines in empathy include an increase in screen</p><p>time and social media use, the rise of hypercompetitive parenting and</p><p>celebrity culture, a focus on standardized testing in schools, and a decrease</p><p>in playtime. In a 2014 study by the University of California at Los Angeles,</p><p>sixth graders who went five days without so much as glancing at a screen or</p><p>using any tech devices were substantially better at reading facial cues and</p><p>identifying emotions than their peers, who continued to spend several hours</p><p>a day on their devices. “It’s very hard to be empathetic and feel for another</p><p>human being if you can’t read another person’s emotions,” explains</p><p>psychologist Michelle Borba. You don’t learn emotional literacy with</p><p>emojis, memes, and tweets. According to Stanford neuroscientist Jamil</p><p>Zaki, too often these days, “our interactions with one another are online,</p><p>anonymous and tribal—barren soil for empathy.”</p><p>A 2017 study by New York University psychologist William Brady and</p><p>his team analyzed some five hundred thousand tweets on polarizing topics,</p><p>including gun control, same-sex marriage, and climate change, trying to</p><p>determine why some went viral and others fell flat. Brady found that the</p><p>more “moral emotion”—the more outrage—a tweet contained, the more it</p><p>was retweeted. What this means is that your child’s social media feed isn’t</p><p>simply mirroring an angry world back at him; it’s helping to create one.</p><p>The thing is, not all screen time results in kids losing the ability to</p><p>understand and share in the feelings of others. We know from experience</p><p>that social media is also facilitating countless collaborations and helping to</p><p>raise awareness and millions of dollars for worthy causes. A GoFundMe</p><p>campaign raised more than $15 million for the Humboldt Broncos players</p><p>and families after the hockey team’s bus crashed on a highway in</p><p>Saskatchewan in 2018. A similar campaign raised more than $40,000 for</p><p>Carson Crimeni’s family in the wake of the teen’s death. As we learned in</p><p>this chapter, technology isn’t necessarily robbing your child of empathy. It</p><p>can also help foster the trait in your children, just as the right use of</p><p>technology can help your kids develop meaningful, positive connections</p><p>with others.</p><p>REMEMBER…</p><p>Your children, like all humans, are innately social creatures. It’s embedded in</p><p>their DNA.</p><p>They need both an individual and a group identity. Children crave community and</p><p>group acceptance. They yearn to fit in. They fear rejection.</p><p>They’re driven by deep motivations to stay connected to their friends and family,</p><p>to be curious about the people around them, to share stories, secrets, and</p><p>emotions.</p><p>The need to connect is as fundamental as your child’s need for food and shelter.</p><p>Oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone,” is the neurochemical powering love,</p><p>connection, and trust. It floods your kids’ systems, producing a rush of pleasure</p><p>when they hug Grandma, play with a puppy, or read a special birthday message.</p><p>Loneliness may be worse for your kids’ longevity than smoking, air pollution, or</p><p>obesity.</p><p>Empathy can be taught and developed.</p><p>A fundamental role for parents and educators is to guide children towards</p><p>empathy and healthy social relationships.</p><p>Standard psychological tests are showing a steep decline in empathy in the</p><p>smartphone generation, and screen time is being fingered for part of the blame.</p><p>Not all screen time is causing kids to lose the ability to understand and share the</p><p>feelings of others. Video communication is better, since humans need to see</p><p>each other’s faces.</p><p>SOLUTIONS</p><p>In this chapter we learned that your children are social creatures; when they</p><p>experience bonding and love they feel safe, empowered, and motivated</p><p>through the release of oxytocin. For a social species like ours isolation and</p><p>loneliness can be dangerous, yet the digital age is restricting our</p><p>opportunities to connect. It’s therefore crucially important to help your</p><p>children enhance meaningful connections with the people in their lives.</p><p>In the pages ahead I’ll provide you with ways to help your children</p><p>establish healthy relationships, avoid dangerous ones, and assert themselves</p><p>within friendships and relationships with their peers. These practices will</p><p>help build the future-ready CQ (Consciousness Quotient) skills of</p><p>communication, collaboration, and contribution. I’ll also explore how</p><p>parents can help prevent cyberbullying and sexting, two common</p><p>behaviours among young people that compromise healthy bonding and</p><p>community.</p><p>KEY STRATEGIES</p><p>DON’T</p><p>Assume digital connection is meaningful connection</p><p>Ignore the issue of loneliness in children and teens</p><p>Keep your child so busy that they have no time to build connections</p><p>Look at your phone when you’re talking to your child</p><p>DO</p><p>Guide your child to a healthy relationship with themselves</p><p>Teach your child how to find and be a good friend</p><p>Monitor and develop empathy</p><p>Teach, model, and practise healthy assertiveness</p><p>Explain the difference between conflicts, mean behaviour, and bullying</p><p>AVOID…</p><p>Any type of negative online connection: scammers, predators, online arguments,</p><p>cyberbullying, mean friends, unhealthy relationships, and media that induces FOMO</p><p>or comparisons</p><p>LIMIT AND MONITOR…</p><p>Superficial, meaningless connections, such as Snapchat</p><p>streaks or memes</p><p>ENCOURAGE…</p><p>Tech that fosters meaningful connections. Examples include video communication,</p><p>positive emails, webinars, text messaging, and some social media.</p><p>HOW TO BUILD HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS</p><p>Relationship skills, just like reading and math skills, are developed one step</p><p>at a time. Your children can’t establish healthy relationships with others</p><p>unless they have a healthy relationship with themselves. I often ask my</p><p>patients: How will anyone love you if you don’t love yourself? How are you</p><p>going to connect with someone if you can’t connect with yourself? I call this</p><p>their “inner-personal relationship.” It’s arguably the most important</p><p>relationship in life.</p><p>Your children will develop self-confidence and self-trust when they</p><p>spend time alone and get to know themselves. Here are a few ways you can</p><p>help:</p><p>Guide your child towards self-compassion. Teach them to forgive</p><p>themselves for mistakes. Remind them that they’re children, and that</p><p>mistakes are part of growing up. Instead of regret and self-criticism,</p><p>have them figure out the lessons learned from the mistake and what</p><p>they’d do differently next time.</p><p>Guide them to evaluate and build on the aspects of their personality that</p><p>serve them and work to change those that don’t. For example, if they</p><p>tend to blow up at people and regret it later, explain that they’ve</p><p>developed this habit and that, with training over time, they can develop</p><p>other ways to communicate.</p><p>Celebrate their efforts and small wins towards self-care and positive</p><p>change. Praise efforts towards and demonstrations of self-compassion,</p><p>such as distancing themselves from unhealthy friendships despite peer</p><p>pressure, or saying no to getting back on the field after an injury in a</p><p>sports game.</p><p>HOW TO FIND AND BE A GOOD FRIEND</p><p>It’s important that children recognize the difference between healthy and</p><p>unhealthy friendships. When I teach kids to spot the difference, I go back to</p><p>the three animal metaphors: the dolphin, the shark, and the jellyfish (this</p><p>page). Just like the parenting relationship, the dolphin is the ideal type of</p><p>friend. The shark and jellyfish are less than ideal. Use these metaphors to</p><p>help tweens and teens better understand and evaluate their relationships</p><p>with their classmates, friends, and romantic partners, and to help them make</p><p>choices about the kinds of people they want to have in their lives.</p><p>Dolphin friends are firm and flexible, just like the body of the marine</p><p>mammal. They…</p><p>Have strong values, such as honesty, respect, integrity, and compassion</p><p>Are flexible with the little things in life—which restaurant to eat at,</p><p>which game to play</p><p>Use communication and collaboration as essential relationship tools</p><p>View compromise as healthy as long as it doesn’t mean compromising</p><p>any of their core values</p><p>Are curious—not judgmental—about differences in opinion and in</p><p>people</p><p>Adapt easily to life’s ups and downs; if a friend can’t make their</p><p>birthday party, they understand</p><p>Strive to contribute, and to help others</p><p>Value, participate in, and help build the community around them</p><p>Jellyfish friends are spineless and free floating, like the marine</p><p>invertebrates. They…</p><p>Don’t voice their opinions and beliefs</p><p>Are overly permissive and let other people walk all over them</p><p>Don’t stand up for themselves</p><p>Are willing to compromise their values</p><p>Tend to avoid conflict in the short term, which over time leads to</p><p>becoming a people pleaser, a follower, or even being bullied</p><p>Shark friends are aggressive and out for themselves, like the solitary</p><p>ocean fish. They…</p><p>Are overbearing by being too pushy or micromanaging</p><p>Are self-centred</p><p>Are judgmental</p><p>Throw their weight around in negotiations</p><p>May get what they want in the short term, but create unhealthy</p><p>relationship patterns</p><p>At different times and depending on the issue and/or the relationship,</p><p>your children will be jellyfish, sharks, or dolphins. Keep in mind, though,</p><p>that our external behaviours most often reflect what’s happening internally.</p><p>So guide your child towards seeking out those friends who are able to self-</p><p>regulate and who understand stress management and the importance of self-</p><p>care. They’re the ones less likely to become sharks or jellyfish; these are the</p><p>dolphins you want to bring into your pod.</p><p>The Dolphin Assertiveness Technique</p><p>Even the best friendships can have tensions! So it’s important to teach</p><p>children how to engage in healthy communication and positive</p><p>assertiveness that will solidify their friendships. Just like the body of a</p><p>dolphin, this technique is based on being firm and flexible in your</p><p>communication with others. For example, if your child’s friend is being a</p><p>shark about playing video games, you might encourage them to respond in</p><p>the following way:</p><p>—</p><p>Firm: “No thanks, I don’t want to play video games right now.”</p><p>—</p><p>Flexible: “We could play basketball or jump on the trampoline? We can</p><p>also plan to play video games another time.”</p><p>The Sandwich Method of Communication</p><p>You can take the dolphin assertiveness technique one step further by</p><p>sandwiching a firm, assertive statement (which could be perceived as</p><p>criticism) between two positive statements. This is a sensitive</p><p>communication strategy that will encourage your child to be clear and direct</p><p>while maintaining a positive tone.</p><p>For example, if your child is unhappy about a photo of her posted to</p><p>social media, she could address it this way:</p><p>—</p><p>Positive statement: Tara, thanks so much for inviting me to the party last</p><p>night. It was a lot of fun!</p><p>—</p><p>Assertive statement: I noticed a photo of me taken at the party on social</p><p>media that made me uncomfortable. Could you please take it down?</p><p>—</p><p>Positive statement: I can’t wait until we get together again!</p><p>HOW DO I TEACH EMPATHY?</p><p>We can’t assume that children will just develop the powerful skill of</p><p>empathy—especially in our fast-paced, technologically driven world. So it’s</p><p>essential that parents be intentional about guiding their children towards</p><p>empathy. Here are some tips:</p><p>Teach kids to always make eye contact with others.</p><p>Expose them to lots of different people.</p><p>Talk about bullying incidents.</p><p>After a conflict, discuss what everyone was feeling.</p><p>Model respect for those who seem different.</p><p>GUIDE CHILDREN TOWARDS CONTRIBUTION</p><p>Humans are social beings, hardwired to contribute and to feel rewarded by</p><p>it. The highest form of human motivation is known as “mission” or</p><p>“purpose”—fuelled as it is by our connection to the world and our desire to</p><p>positively contribute to it. And when we do so, we’re rewarded with a</p><p>“helper’s high” of dopamine.</p><p>Contribution can be embedded in every activity, not just volunteer work.</p><p>When a child performs well in school, in sports, or in a school play, remind</p><p>them that their efforts positively impacted others, whether through direct</p><p>contribution or the role modelling of effort, resilience, and perseverance.</p><p>Guiding children towards forging a strong connection to their family,</p><p>friends, community, and the planet, and using that connection to drive them,</p><p>will lead to lifelong motivation!</p><p>One way to build strong connections is to encourage small acts of</p><p>kindness in real life and online:</p><p>Guide children towards “cyberbacking.” Practise saying something</p><p>kind or having a friend’s back online—especially if they see something</p><p>cruel being said about them.</p><p>Help them get involved in online community-building activities—</p><p>anything from GoFundMe pages for local causes to disaster relief for</p><p>large international issues. Remember, involvement doesn’t always have</p><p>to include donating money. Simply forwarding an email to friends,</p><p>liking, or leaving a positive comment are all powerful ways to connect.</p><p>Encourage them to send kind text messages, cute emojis, or brief voice</p><p>memos to friends and family who may need a pick-me-up—or just to</p><p>spread some love around!</p><p>Encourage your child to accept attention in the form of “likes” and</p><p>friend or follow requests in a positive way. It’s important for them to</p><p>learn to be comfortable receiving praise, and to reciprocate kind</p><p>behaviour. Have them practise</p><p>saying a simple “Thank you for the</p><p>compliment, it means a lot to me.” (This is very different from needing</p><p>praise. The habit of looking for praise in order to feel good about</p><p>themselves may initially provide some motivation, but it won’t last, and</p><p>can ultimately lead to a destructive cycle of insecurity.) Encouraging</p><p>children in this way will guide them towards receiving “likes” not as</p><p>ego inflaters but as inspiration to power further contribution.</p><p>HOW TO PREVENT CYBERBULLYING</p><p>Even if your child is working on developing healthy communication skills</p><p>and empathy, there’s a good chance they might encounter peers that are</p><p>more aggressive and shark-like in their behaviour.</p><p>Cyberbullying is characterized by the repetitive use of smartphones and</p><p>apps to harm someone by making them angry, sad, or scared. This could</p><p>involve sending hurtful messages or posting embarrassing photos on social</p><p>media.</p><p>Some 87 percent of teens have witnessed this type of bullying. Therefore,</p><p>make it a practice to ask your child about cyberbullying, mean behaviour,</p><p>and other conflicts they encounter while online, and encourage them to</p><p>come to you when they see something that makes them uncomfortable. And</p><p>it’s not a conversation to have just once or twice. You need to keep talking</p><p>to your children about it in increasingly complex ways as they get older.</p><p>You can approach the subject in a variety of ways:</p><p>Refer to stories or news you may have heard or read about.</p><p>Ask open-ended questions. Why do you think cyberbullying can hurt?</p><p>Have you ever seen someone get bullied this way?</p><p>Remind them that you’re asking because you care about their well-</p><p>being. Reassure them that you won’t automatically freak out and</p><p>confront other students or parents, take their devices away, or send</p><p>them to another school.</p><p>Talk about what they can do if they’re ever bullied in this way.</p><p>What to Do if Your Child Is Being Cyberbullied</p><p>Reassure your child that they’re safe, supported, and loved despite what</p><p>they may have seen or heard.</p><p>Tell them that the situation can be managed, and that it’ll be over in</p><p>time.</p><p>Remind them that telling an adult isn’t tattling—it’s standing up for</p><p>yourself. It will also help the bully in the long run.</p><p>Have them take a break from the device, whether it’s a mobile phone or</p><p>a laptop. Advise them not to look for disturbing content, especially</p><p>when they’re alone. If they insist on knowing what’s being said about</p><p>them, look it up yourself or ask a trusted third party to look at it for</p><p>them.</p><p>Encourage them to spend some time with real friends offline. This will</p><p>help reduce the intensity of the experience and remind your child that</p><p>they have good friends they can trust.</p><p>Consider contacting the school or police. Don’t hesitate if there’s any</p><p>content that may constitute hate speech or child pornography.</p><p>Whether your child has been bullied or your child is the bully, consider</p><p>reaching out to the other parents involved.</p><p>If they’ve posted something they regret, help them take down the</p><p>content and make amends for any harm they may have caused.</p><p>Teach them not to respond in the heat of the moment. They may say</p><p>something they could later regret.</p><p>Teach them not to engage with the bully in real life until they’ve</p><p>discussed the situation with a responsible adult. Bullies are looking for</p><p>a reaction, so don’t provide one.</p><p>Block the phone number, accounts, and emails of anyone sending</p><p>offensive content.</p><p>If necessary to prove bullying allegations, consider collecting evidence</p><p>—take screenshots. Save and print out bullying messages for proof, in</p><p>case you need it.</p><p>SEXTING</p><p>Sexting is still a relatively new and complex topic that we’re understanding</p><p>more about—and that continues to evolve. On the one hand, some</p><p>exploration of sexuality and romantic relationships is a normal part of</p><p>development in the teenage years. On the other hand, sexting can become</p><p>unhealthy and toxic.</p><p>Sexting involves sharing intimate content, images, or videos with another</p><p>person, whether via text, private messages on social networks, or apps.</p><p>Often, sexting occurs between young people who are dating or considering</p><p>dating, but it can also take place between friends or groups. The content</p><p>could be anything from sexually driven text messages to partial or full nude</p><p>photos, videos, or pornography.</p><p>As a parent, you need to understand the pressures. In a 2015 Michigan</p><p>State University study, 24 percent of the teens said they’d been sexually</p><p>harassed by people they considered their friends. A lot of teens who share</p><p>intimate content feel shame or regret afterwards. Research has also found</p><p>that “people afraid of looking bad in a partner’s eyes sexted more than</p><p>people emotionally secure in their relationship.”</p><p>So What Should Parents Do?</p><p>Make sure that sexting is part of your birds-and-the-bees talk.</p><p>Don’t wait for an incident to occur before talking to your child about</p><p>healthy sexuality and relationships. Ask your child, “Have you heard of</p><p>sexting?” They may know more than you! This will also help make</p><p>sure that the conversations are age appropriate.</p><p>Answer their questions about sexting truthfully, but there’s no need to</p><p>give them too much information. This will require multiple</p><p>conversations over time in different ways as your child grows.</p><p>Make sure they understand that underage sexting may be considered a</p><p>crime in many jurisdictions.</p><p>Advise them to immediately delete any sexting images that are sent to</p><p>them.</p><p>Tell them to never ask for sexually explicit photos or images from</p><p>someone.</p><p>Remind teens that once something is seen it can’t be unseen, and that</p><p>once something is sent it can’t be retrieved. A good wake-up call is to</p><p>ask them how they’d feel if their grandparents, teachers, coaches, or</p><p>cousins saw the image.</p><p>Explain that although they may feel intense pressure to send or ask for</p><p>a photo, this can have harmful long-term consequences and is best</p><p>avoided.</p><p>7</p><p>WIRED TO CREATE: Serotonin and How to Help Your Child</p><p>Own Their Future</p><p>Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.</p><p>—CONFUCIUS</p><p>THERE’S NOTHING TYPICAL about Lilly Singh. In the fall of 2019, the thirty-</p><p>one-year-old comedian debuted A Little Late with Lilly Singh on NBC. She</p><p>hadn’t come up through film or TV; instead, she’d built her name and</p><p>fortune by writing, directing, and starring in YouTube videos shot from her</p><p>bedroom. Collectively, they’ve had more than one billion views.</p><p>Singh grew up in suburban Toronto, worshipping Dwayne “The Rock”</p><p>Johnson and dreaming of a career in hip hop, but her hardworking parents</p><p>pushed her towards more traditional pursuits. Then, when she was twenty-</p><p>two and studying psychology at Toronto’s York University, she began</p><p>struggling with severe depression: “I was going through the motions of life</p><p>and doing what my family wanted me to do.”</p><p>Finding herself with a lot of free time on her hands, she started watching</p><p>funny YouTube videos to cheer herself up. One day, Singh spontaneously</p><p>decided to post something herself—a spoken word poem she later took</p><p>down because it was “so crazy.” Still, the poem got seventy views, which at</p><p>the time felt to her like fame: “It boggled my mind. How did these people</p><p>find this video?” she told the Hollywood Reporter. “Who were they and</p><p>why were they watching it?” More importantly, it ignited a passion in</p><p>Singh. “After so many lectures in school, here was this project where I</p><p>could do what I loved,” she told New York magazine in 2019.</p><p>That first video led to a second, then a third. As she grew more</p><p>comfortable in front of the Canon T3i DSLR camera she’d bought on sale</p><p>—and taught herself more about lighting, angles, and video editing—she set</p><p>about establishing her brand, a kind of wacky, observational comedy</p><p>focusing on teen culture and her South Asian heritage. Before long she was</p><p>posting twice weekly under the persona Superwoman. By 2017, Forbes</p><p>pegged Singh as the highest-paid woman on YouTube and the platform’s</p><p>third-highest earner overall.</p><p>Singh, who likes loud colours and backwards trucker hats, embodies</p><p>YouTube’s DIY ethos.</p><p>In 2019 she made TV history by taking over Carson</p><p>Daly’s slot on NBC. And whereas Daly had taken the traditional route to</p><p>TV fame, first as a radio DJ, then as a VJ on MTV, Singh used digital tools</p><p>to create a new path, teaching herself everything from camerawork to</p><p>comedic timing.</p><p>THE CREATIVE CHILD</p><p>Your children are wired for the kind of creativity that Singh used as a</p><p>stepping stone to global fame. After all, kids are born creators. It’s in their</p><p>DNA. Your children are never more authentic and truer to themselves than</p><p>when they’re creating something.</p><p>There’s no concrete definition of the term “creativity,” which has always</p><p>been a somewhat fuzzy concept. But most agree that it’s the power to come</p><p>up with something new, whether it’s a novel idea or design, a link between</p><p>ideas, or a solution to a problem. The word “creative” comes from the Latin</p><p>creare, meaning to bring forth, to beget. Creativity isn’t limited to works of</p><p>genius. Nor is it limited to original prodigies. It resides in every one of us.</p><p>Enlightenment thinkers like Thomas Hobbes and John Locke saw in</p><p>human imagination and creativity the path to human progress. Indeed,</p><p>creativity has always been the great driver of evolution and growth. It’s an</p><p>essential component of what makes us human. We alone can imagine</p><p>something and then go out and make it real, whether it’s a painting of a</p><p>mastodon on a cave wall, a cure for a disease, or a virtual reality treadmill.</p><p>This innately human potential is what differentiates Homo sapiens—Latin</p><p>for “wise man”—from our hominid ancestors.</p><p>I tend to think of the human mind as a fingerprint: no two children have</p><p>the same thought patterns and brain anatomy. Each is entirely unique, the</p><p>result of genetic factors and their life experiences. Our children must learn</p><p>to develop their identity, passions, and talents by tapping into the vast</p><p>reservoirs of creative potential that exist within each of them. Their</p><p>autonomy, mastery, and purpose can’t be imposed from the outside by</p><p>anyone, not even parents. This chapter explores the ways technology can</p><p>help children discover their individual passions, feed their creativity, and</p><p>find their true purpose and calling in life.</p><p>THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON SEROTONIN</p><p>Each of us longs to feel significant. None of us wants to die without leaving</p><p>a legacy, an impact, some sign of our existence. Our brains evolved to seek</p><p>respect and esteem from others. That’s why it feels good when you’re</p><p>admired or put in charge of something. The hidden key to this behaviour is</p><p>serotonin—a neurochemical that produces feelings of safety, contentment,</p><p>and confidence. It also bolsters self-esteem, increases feelings of creativity</p><p>and worthiness, and helps keep anxiety at bay.</p><p>Think back to a moment when you felt proud of yourself. Perhaps you</p><p>achieved an important personal goal or received recognition from your</p><p>colleagues. The confidence and strength you felt came from a buildup of</p><p>serotonin in your brain. This neurochemical helps your children’s creative</p><p>minds thrive. They release it when using apps or websites or playing games</p><p>that expand their creativity or awareness of the world. When they learn,</p><p>imagine, collaborate, create, or feed their passions, whether by writing,</p><p>painting, or playing music, it stimulates cognitive and physiological</p><p>processes that feed and expand their creative capacities. This increases their</p><p>serotonin levels, leading them to feel happy, confident, and content. Other</p><p>powerful stimulators of serotonin release include sunlight, exercise, and</p><p>social connection.</p><p>Decreased levels of serotonin can lead to children feeling down, getting</p><p>easily annoyed, or being unable to control their impulses. Serotonin</p><p>dysfunction, in fact, is thought to lead to anxiety and depression. In</p><p>experiments with bioengineered mice, researchers found that those lacking</p><p>serotonin early in life, when their brains were rapidly developing, displayed</p><p>anxious behaviour as adults. Studies have shown that stress crushes</p><p>creativity. Primates under stress will not pursue new territories or mates.</p><p>When stressed, we humans also tend to cling to the familiar.</p><p>Medications that are used to combat anxiety and depression—among</p><p>them Prozac (fluoxetine), Celexa (citalopram), and Zoloft (sertraline)—</p><p>work on the serotonin system. Meds like these are in a class of drugs called</p><p>selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). They act by limiting the</p><p>neurotransmitter’s reabsorption, allowing it to linger longer in the brain.</p><p>SIX WAYS TECH IS BOOSTING CREATIVITY</p><p>Humans evolved to create—and tech is increasingly allowing kids to dream bigger</p><p>than ever before. It lets them see the world differently, access information from</p><p>anywhere they wish, and find and develop new passions, concepts, and ideas. Here</p><p>are six ways tech can help enhance creativity in your children:</p><p>1. Information: This may be the single most important ingredient for creativity. If for</p><p>nothing else, the internet exists to share information. At this point, kids can</p><p>access information on just about any subject they can think of.</p><p>2. Efficiency: Tech has sped up the creative process. Consider writing. Whether it’s</p><p>fiction or non-fiction, computers and word processors have made the writing and</p><p>editing process much faster and easier. A few notable holdouts remain—authors</p><p>Neil Gaiman, Joyce Carol Oates, and Stephen King are said to still prefer writing</p><p>their novels longhand—but they’re the exceptions!</p><p>3. Access: Any teenager with a cellphone can snap a picture or shoot a video. The</p><p>tools needed to take beautiful photos or create a basic podcasting setup are</p><p>becoming increasingly accessible to the average person, broadening your</p><p>children’s access to a range of creative mediums that were once out of reach.</p><p>4. Collaboration: Tech has made it easier than ever to collaborate with like-minded</p><p>or diverse-minded young people around the world. And when we collaborate, we</p><p>exchange ideas that can lead to innovation.</p><p>5. Online learning: The ability to access online learning opportunities like</p><p>MasterClass gives your kids the chance to learn the basic skills involved in a</p><p>number of creative fields, including writing, reporting, screenwriting, directing,</p><p>acting, and cooking.</p><p>6. New tools: 3D printing, storytelling, and video creation tools give kids the chance</p><p>to explore new things and to express themselves in various ways and in various</p><p>media.</p><p>THE WONDERS OF ASSISTIVE TECH</p><p>Just as YouTube provided a future for Lilly Singh in a way her parents</p><p>couldn’t have imagined, tech provided a better future for my son Joesh.</p><p>When he was nine, Joesh was diagnosed with dysgraphia and a disorder of</p><p>written expression. This means he has trouble putting thoughts to paper, and</p><p>even if he could, his handwriting is pretty much illegible. He was later</p><p>diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD); he can</p><p>become distracted, impulsive, and a bit loud. He can also be forgetful and</p><p>disorganized, and has trouble managing his schedule. Not long ago, Joesh</p><p>would have floundered in school. Teachers and school officials would have</p><p>written him off as lazy, messy, and stupid. Statistically speaking, it’s</p><p>doubtful he would have made it through high school—which would have</p><p>severely limited his self-esteem, career options, and possibly his life</p><p>happiness. But for Joesh, the world of assistive technology has opened up</p><p>an entirely different future.</p><p>Because of his dysgraphia, he uses typing and a voice dictation system</p><p>for homework, essays, and exams. Because of his ADHD he uses noise-</p><p>cancelling headphones in class and during exams to help improve his focus,</p><p>along with calendar reminders, and digital organizers to help manage his</p><p>time. Without these tools, Joesh would be lost in the school system.</p><p>Today he’s a confident teenager with a lovely, positive personality that</p><p>draws people to him. Joesh has an amazing memory and loves obscure</p><p>facts; he’s quick on his feet, social, and charismatic. He’s also a talented</p><p>public speaker, taking part in international competitions (and once,</p><p>when he</p><p>was twelve, he received a standing ovation from a group of five hundred</p><p>adults for a speech he delivered on racial inequality). His memory, social</p><p>skills, and public speaking ability helped him recognize that although he</p><p>may have a deficit in some areas, he also has talents that others don’t.</p><p>Public speaking has since become a passion of his. He knows his future is</p><p>bright. I shudder to think what his life might have been like had he been</p><p>born even a decade earlier.</p><p>By offering new mediums for learning, expression, and creativity,</p><p>assistive technologies like the ones Joesh relies on are increasingly levelling</p><p>the educational playing field for kids with learning differences and mental</p><p>and physical health issues, including ADHD, language processing disorder,</p><p>visual perceptual/visual motor disorder, autism spectrum, and dyslexia.</p><p>Perhaps the greatest pioneer in assistive tech was Stephen Hawking, the</p><p>Cambridge University physicist who died in 2018 at the age of seventy-six.</p><p>Diagnosed with a neuromuscular wasting disorder known as amyotrophic</p><p>lateral sclerosis (ALS) or Lou Gehrig’s disease when he was a twenty-one-</p><p>year-old graduate student, he went on to show us the long-term potential for</p><p>success these technologies provide. He also illustrated how, for those who</p><p>might not otherwise have the ability, tech can open up opportunities to</p><p>make significant contributions to our knowledge and culture.</p><p>Hawking became a cultural icon and one of the world’s best-known</p><p>science communicators, reaching global audiences with A Brief History of</p><p>Time—a sharp, witty book on cosmology that spent a record-breaking four</p><p>and a half years on the London Times bestseller list. He said he tried to</p><p>avoid weighing the book down with scientific jargon and to write in the</p><p>most accessible, matter-of-fact style he could. He wanted to give regular</p><p>people the “feeling that they need not be cut off from the great intellectual</p><p>and philosophical questions.” Over the course of his life Hawking managed</p><p>to publish dozens of scientific papers, editorials, and children’s books. He</p><p>also gave speeches all over the world, despite being slowly paralyzed by</p><p>ALS.</p><p>When he lost the ability to talk, Hawking had a thumb switch attached to</p><p>his keyboard that allowed him to compose speeches and “speak” through a</p><p>voice synthesizer. Then, in the last few years of his life, when he was too</p><p>weak to move his fingers, he communicated with the help of word</p><p>prediction algorithms. By tensing his cheek and blinking his right eye, he</p><p>was still able to control his computer.</p><p>In his lifetime, Hawking contributed more to our understanding of the</p><p>early universe and the behaviour of black holes than any scientist since</p><p>Albert Einstein. And if not for assistive tech, that knowledge might have</p><p>stayed locked in his brain.</p><p>SCHOOL LESSONS FROM CHINA</p><p>Let’s now explore the ways your children’s education is helping to foster</p><p>their creativity—or not.</p><p>Every three years, like clockwork, countries around the world take notice</p><p>of each other’s school systems. It happens when the PISA scores are</p><p>released. The Programme for International Student Assessment is an</p><p>international test that scores fifteen-year-olds in math, sciences, and</p><p>reading. Shanghai and Hong Kong fifteen-year-olds consistently sit atop the</p><p>global rankings. The “brutal truth,” said the American education secretary</p><p>—after the 2009 PISA results placed the U.S. twenty-fourth, well behind</p><p>Shanghai and Hong Kong at number one and two, respectively—is that</p><p>“we’re being out-educated.”</p><p>The scores signal to Western media, politicians, and policymakers that</p><p>China’s high test scores = educational excellence = a system worth</p><p>emulating. Western governments attempt to make their schools more</p><p>“Chinese” by removing recess and gym, introducing more exams, and</p><p>making more rigorous demands of students. Beijing, meanwhile, is taking</p><p>the country’s schools in the opposite direction, away from rote learning,</p><p>memorization, long days, and lots of homework. Sure, that system produces</p><p>great test takers. But Chinese officials are well aware of its deficits.</p><p>With creative disruption continuing to drive the modern global economy,</p><p>China knows that it’s graduating robotized students ill-equipped for meeting</p><p>its needs. And it has the data to prove it, as I learned on a visit to Shanghai’s</p><p>Fudan University during my book tour for The Dolphin Parent. This is</p><p>where I met with the think tank tasked with charting a new direction for the</p><p>country’s school system.</p><p>Every Chinese student who wishes to attend university must write the</p><p>National College Entrance Examination (NCEE), commonly known as</p><p>gaokao exam. For the last fifty years the Chinese government has been</p><p>collecting hundreds of millions of data points on the NCEE. In Shanghai, I</p><p>was asked what I thought happened to those who placed atop the NCEE’s</p><p>ranks every year. The shocking answer: nothing at all. China’s top students</p><p>don’t go on to write new patents, invent new technologies, or discover cures</p><p>to diseases. They simply “disappear” after university.</p><p>The country’s policymakers are not unaware that Jack Ma, China’s best-</p><p>known business magnate, not only failed the gaokao twice but once scored</p><p>just 1 out of 120 on the math section. Ma did eventually make it into</p><p>university, where he earned middling grades as an English major—before</p><p>going on to found Alibaba, the world’s largest e-commerce company, from</p><p>his apartment in 1999.</p><p>“I told my son: You don’t need to be in the top three in your class,” Ma</p><p>once said in a speech. “Being in the middle is fine. Only a [middle-of-the-</p><p>road student] has enough free time to learn other skills.” Like Ma, many of</p><p>China’s top tech executives were average students.</p><p>As China shifts to a system that it hopes will produce innovation-</p><p>ready students, it has begun limiting the frequency and importance of</p><p>exams in schools. It’s also introducing policies to restrict students’</p><p>workload and prohibiting schools from offering extra tutoring after school</p><p>hours and during summer and winter breaks. And it’s expanding education</p><p>beyond traditional subjects to emphasize CQ, or Consciousness Quotient:</p><p>creativity, critical thinking, communication, collaboration, and contribution.</p><p>This approach includes teaching social skills; offering play-based learning,</p><p>moral education, and a greater focus on the arts; and increasing</p><p>opportunities for students to think for themselves, explore, and create.</p><p>HOW CQ SKILLS MAKE THE GRADE</p><p>My experience interviewing potential medical students at the university</p><p>where I teach has reinforced the crucial nature of these CQ skills. Our</p><p>prospective students come from an incredibly talented pool that includes the</p><p>highest-ranking undergraduates from universities across North America,</p><p>trained concert pianists, and Olympic-level athletes. Résumés like these</p><p>indicate disciplined, hardworking students with high IQs. But for the next</p><p>generation of physicians, that’s no longer enough.</p><p>When students are interviewed, their CQ is being assessed. For example,</p><p>in some interview stations, students are given a painting or a short phrase or</p><p>poem. They can observe it for one minute; then they have to walk into the</p><p>room where the examiner is seated and explain what the image or text</p><p>meant to them and why. They have seven minutes, an eternity for an</p><p>impromptu speech.</p><p>The exercise challenges students to think creatively. It gauges their</p><p>ability to think on the spot. There’s no way to prepare for this type of test,</p><p>and some students bomb it. One young woman became so stressed she</p><p>started crying. One young man grew angry; he didn’t think it was a fair</p><p>question. My colleagues call students like these “crispies and teacups”—</p><p>burned-out or bubble-wrapped students so fragile that they’re prone to</p><p>breaking the moment they encounter an obstacle. These students tend to be</p><p>risk-averse, exhausted, stressed, and rigid, the precise opposite of what</p><p>young people should be as they enter medical school.</p><p>The applicants who do well, however, are dazzling. They’re able</p><p>in little parcels. Every hour they</p><p>spend in front of a screen is an hour they could have spent running about</p><p>and interacting with kids their age or observing and learning from what</p><p>exists around them—real-world interactions that are critical to healthy</p><p>physical and social development.</p><p>Perhaps more worryingly, they’re not necessarily living their lives the</p><p>way they want to. For if they’re not aware of how tech is influencing them,</p><p>they risk allowing tech to manage their behaviour. It’s important to</p><p>consider: are they using technology or is technology using them?</p><p>Like the denizens of Silicon Valley C-suites, I’ve been an early witness to</p><p>tech’s dark side. Parents will sometimes bring their sons to see me because</p><p>they’ve given up on school, sports, and their families to play video games.</p><p>I’ve treated many teenage girls who reacted to parent-imposed limits on</p><p>social media with threats of violence, running away from home, cutting,</p><p>and suicide. The police called me once to see a boy who’d locked his</p><p>mother in a basement for three days so that he could play a new video game</p><p>unimpeded.</p><p>These parents felt ashamed. They felt helpless and overwhelmed.</p><p>Unfortunately, though, such problems are becoming increasingly common,</p><p>harming more and more families around the world.</p><p>WHY KIDS FEEL THE WAY THEY DO</p><p>Whether a mean comment is made on Snapchat or a bully is pinning a child</p><p>against a locker, the brain will automatically react to a real or perceived</p><p>threat in exactly the same way. It triggers the biological freeze, fight, or</p><p>flight response, which is meant to prepare your body for an attack. You</p><p>know the one—the hammering heart, racing blood, and narrowed focus.</p><p>What I’m trying to explain is that what your child feels in a given</p><p>moment may not depend on whether a situation is occurring onscreen or</p><p>off. Rather, it depends on which neurochemical is triggered by an</p><p>experience. Dopamine, cortisol, endorphins, oxytocin, and serotonin—often</p><p>referred to as the body’s “chemical messengers”—are five key</p><p>neurochemicals that regulate your children’s lives, making them feel</p><p>energetic or unmotivated, connected or lonely, happy or unhappy, engaged</p><p>or withdrawn from life. They exist in every human, and trigger responses</p><p>that are as certain as the rising of the sun. And by understanding them we</p><p>can help our kids learn to fire and wire healthy habits that will leave them</p><p>feeling content, valued, empowered, loved.</p><p>Let’s explore these five neurochemicals in a bit more detail. As you read</p><p>the descriptions below, try to imagine how it might feel if these</p><p>neurochemicals were way out of balance. What might the consequences be</p><p>for our bodies, minds, and society if the very building blocks of human</p><p>health were targeted, manipulated, and dysregulated?</p><p>1. Dopamine drives our motivation, rewarding us with an immediate</p><p>sense of pleasure. It’s mainly released by activities that promote species</p><p>survival, such as hunting, gathering, and bonding. And since we’re no</p><p>longer living as prehistoric humans did, hunting could include levelling</p><p>up in a video game while gathering and bonding could involve</p><p>collecting social media likes.</p><p>2. Cortisol and the stress response produce feelings of being under attack.</p><p>When danger arises, they urge us to do something—whether it’s freeze,</p><p>fight, or flight—in order to escape. This causes our heart rate and blood</p><p>pressure to spike. Over time it can lead to sleep impairment, weight</p><p>gain, intestinal problems, suppression of the immune system, and an</p><p>interruption in bone formation.</p><p>3. Endorphins produce feelings of peace, calm, bliss, or euphoria.</p><p>They’re released through activities like cardiovascular exercise,</p><p>laughter, and intimacy, all of which counteract feelings of anxiety,</p><p>stress, and pain. Endorphins provide relief from life’s hardships, freeing</p><p>us to try new things and innovate.</p><p>4. Oxytocin produces feelings of being safe and loved. It is released</p><p>during shared social experiences, when we receive social recognition</p><p>and experience bonding and intimacy. Oxytocin motivates us to trust</p><p>and help others, to seek companionship, to learn to love.</p><p>5. Serotonin produces feelings of contentment, happiness, and pride. It is</p><p>released during physical activity, positive social interactions, sunlight</p><p>exposure, and when you’re doing an activity you love. Serotonin</p><p>motivates us to try new things, to innovate, to gain respect from others.</p><p>As you’ve no doubt observed in your own home, iPhones, online gaming,</p><p>and social media are literally changing children’s minds by causing them to</p><p>release certain neurochemicals. Sometimes this has positive effects—when</p><p>your kids Skype with Grandma, for example, it helps them feel bonded and</p><p>connected with her. But some tech is creating low-value, high-volume</p><p>neurochemical reward cycles and altering the architecture of developing</p><p>brains, wiring them to want more from their devices and less from the</p><p>physical world surrounding them.</p><p>Too much screen time can produce:</p><p>An excretion of unhealthy amounts of cortisol, which triggers the stress</p><p>reaction</p><p>A craving for harmful amounts of dopamine, which can lead to</p><p>addiction</p><p>A reduction in the natural release of oxytocin, serotonin, and</p><p>endorphins, which are key to long-term health, happiness, and success</p><p>The release of these neurochemicals is largely governed by four tiny</p><p>brain structures—the hippocampus, amygdala, pituitary gland, and</p><p>hypothalamus—collectively known as the limbic system. And it’s this</p><p>system that generates and controls our emotional responses.</p><p>For example, even though some tech gives children an immediate rush of</p><p>pleasure, that rush doesn’t always lead to happiness. Casual gaming will</p><p>give your child a hit of dopamine. But too much dopamine (or pleasure) at</p><p>the expense of oxytocin (or bonding) will leave a child feeling lonely,</p><p>anxious, and depressed. To counteract those feelings, they’ll want to get</p><p>another hit of dopamine. This is why dopamine is the key neurochemical</p><p>behind addiction. Social media “likes” provide dopamine too. But when we</p><p>compare ourselves negatively to others we also trigger the release of stress</p><p>hormones.</p><p>In the following chapters we’ll explore the links between neurochemicals</p><p>and your child’s motivation, behaviours, vitality, creativity, and happiness.</p><p>We’ll also consider the brain chemicals causing your children to feel happy,</p><p>stressed out, creative, or inspired when they interact with tech.</p><p>I firmly believe that tech can occupy a healthy space in your child’s life.</p><p>An encouraging text from a parent can turn around a tough day. A</p><p>Facebook post about wildfires in Australia might raise awareness and</p><p>inspire your child to think beyond their own little world. Overall, then, it</p><p>wouldn’t be reasonable to categorize digital media as either wholly good or</p><p>wholly bad.</p><p>But wouldn’t it be great if you could show your kids how to activate their</p><p>empowering neurochemicals, both online and in their day-to-day lives?</p><p>That’s exactly what I’m going to teach you to do.</p><p>Let’s remember that we’ve been here before. This isn’t the first time</p><p>parents have had to sort out how to teach children to use powerful new</p><p>technologies. Nor is it the first time that human innovation has changed</p><p>everything.</p><p>THE POWER OF FIRE</p><p>While parenting in the age of digital disruption often feels stressful and</p><p>new, it’s not all that different from living through some of the many major</p><p>shifts that have occurred over time. Consider the discovery of fire, which</p><p>represented a watershed movement in human evolutionary history. Fire</p><p>gave us light and warmth. By chasing off bears, big cats, and other</p><p>nocturnal predators, it allowed Homo erectus, our direct human ancestor</p><p>and the earliest known fire starter, to come down from the trees and sleep</p><p>safely on the ground. By bringing people together in one place to eat and</p><p>keep warm, fire bonded us together, giving rise to storytelling traditions and</p><p>laying the groundwork for human society.</p><p>But cooking may be the most important gift of all. Ridding foods of</p><p>parasites and bacteria sharply reduced</p><p>to think</p><p>quickly and communicate beautifully. They look me in the eye. They smile.</p><p>They speak with passion and authority. They’re able to draw from life</p><p>experience. Their sense of values shines through. These are the people I’d</p><p>want as my child’s pediatrician, I think when I come across them.</p><p>In teaching medical students (or any other students), we don’t need to</p><p>focus as much on content as we used to. Instead we must put a greater</p><p>emphasis on teaching them how to think, how to ask the right questions,</p><p>how to address patients or clients with empathy, how to take initiative, how</p><p>to solve unanticipated problems creatively, how to cope with real-life stress.</p><p>And I know the best way to do that.</p><p>THE POWER OF PLAY</p><p>Play is in our nature. All mammals take time out of their day to play,</p><p>despite the stress of living in nature where a predator could eat them at any</p><p>moment. For people of every age, play is directly linked to the development</p><p>of the brain’s prefrontal cortex. That’s the front part of the brain that sits</p><p>directly behind our eyes and directs our highest levels of thinking and</p><p>functioning.</p><p>For the young of all animals, the amount of time spent playing is also</p><p>directly tied to the rate and size of growth of the cerebellum. The</p><p>cerebellum, which means “little brain,” sits just above the brain stem and is</p><p>responsible for a number of functions, including motor skills like balance</p><p>and coordination.</p><p>As well, play stimulates nerve growth, promoting new neuron</p><p>connections between areas that were previously disconnected. Studies have</p><p>shown that play stimulates neural pathways for abstract thinking, emotional</p><p>regulation, problem solving, and strategizing. It pushes us to take risks and</p><p>teaches us how to adapt. In primates, play helps with bonding and</p><p>reconnection; for example, after a fight, chimpanzees like to tickle each</p><p>other’s palms to show affection and closeness.</p><p>But not all play is created equal. Broadly, there are two types: free play</p><p>and structured play.</p><p>—</p><p>Free play is creative and improvised; it helps your child build resilience</p><p>and contributes to their emotional growth. It also helps them develop</p><p>problem solving, conflict resolution, and collaboration skills. Playing with</p><p>stuffies or sand, for example, encourages creativity, imagination, and the</p><p>healthy expression of feelings. Imaginary play gives kids a chance to act out</p><p>new situations and see life from other people’s perspectives.</p><p>—</p><p>Structured play, or goal-oriented play, involves recognizing patterns in</p><p>order to meet a goal. This includes assembling Lego that includes</p><p>instructions, a model car, or a spaceship kit, or playing an organized sport</p><p>like soccer, gymnastics, or hockey.</p><p>—</p><p>Both types of play are good for a child’s well-being, learning, and</p><p>growth. But the problem for children whose games are highly structured—</p><p>for example, those embedded in a software program that makes kids</p><p>followers instead of leaders—is that they can show deficits in “executive</p><p>function,” meaning the ability to make and carry out plans on their own.</p><p>The more time children spend in free play, however, the better they develop</p><p>these capacities.</p><p>And so the loss of free play that’s been occurring over the last decades—</p><p>along with the fact that technology has been a big contributor to this loss—</p><p>is highly concerning.</p><p>For example, a 2019 survey of one thousand British nursery workers</p><p>found that 72 percent believe children today have fewer imaginary friends</p><p>than they did five years ago, and that 63 percent believe this to be a result of</p><p>increased screen time. A lot of parents tend to assume that all digital play is</p><p>play. However, in many cases it’s passive structured play, following the</p><p>software programs of games and apps. In these cases, screens certainly</p><p>impact creativity by taking time away from opportunities to imagine,</p><p>invent, innovate, and produce or generate something new or unique. And if</p><p>children aren’t creating neurosynaptic connections for imagination, that part</p><p>of their brain won’t develop.</p><p>There are, however, apps and games that encourage free play in kids of</p><p>all ages. ScratchJr, developed by M.I.T., allows kids to create their own</p><p>stories, animation, and games. Video games can also loosely fall into free</p><p>play and structured play categories. For example, Minecraft allows kids to</p><p>build and create a world of their own, in contrast to many first-person</p><p>shooter games that have them play a single role in an already created world.</p><p>The bottom line is that free play provides your children with the</p><p>cognitive framework and flexible thinking they need to adapt to any</p><p>situation. As parents, we hear that kids want to “play” on tech all the time.</p><p>Yet we have to discern what type of play it is and encourage free play. I tell</p><p>parents to get kids off tech whenever possible—to have them go outside,</p><p>get rid of rules and structure, and use their beautiful, brilliant minds to play.</p><p>Play Builds Creative and Resilient Kids</p><p>Creativity and resilience are in fact two sides of the same coin: creative kids</p><p>tend to be more resilient, and resilient kids tend to be more creative.</p><p>Creativity means coming up with new ideas and new ways of doing things</p><p>—and that, after all, is a form of problem-</p><p>solving resilience.</p><p>Creative, resilient kids are smart, happy, and strong. They learn to work</p><p>at a problem to find the best possible solution, and are often able to imagine</p><p>entirely new solutions. They know they’re strong enough to make it to the</p><p>other side of an unknown situation because they’ve done it so many times.</p><p>They’re not afraid of uncertainty or failure. They’ve learned to adjust to</p><p>change and misfortune, to persevere when problems arise. They’ve learned</p><p>to overcome obstacles. These are all things children develop through</p><p>unstructured play.</p><p>Creativity is both a habit and a state of being. It allows children to see the</p><p>heart of the problem or to see a situation in a new light—which in turn</p><p>allows them to make connections between seemingly unrelated things and</p><p>to gain new perspectives.</p><p>You’re probably aware of the “flow state” concept, also known as “being</p><p>in the zone”: the state of mind you get into when you’ve become</p><p>completely absorbed in something. Have you ever been working on a</p><p>project and lost track of time, and of yourself? You were in a flow state!</p><p>Athletes and artists are always trying to get there. When we’re in a flow</p><p>state our heart rate slows, our anxieties fade, our mood is boosted, and</p><p>we’re free to tap into our creative potential.</p><p>A lot of people seem to think that creativity is an innate talent that kids</p><p>either have or don’t have. And while it’s true that children are born creators</p><p>—as I mentioned earlier, it’s literally encoded in their DNA—the reality is</p><p>that creativity is a skill, one that parents and teachers need to help our kids</p><p>develop. And technology, when used to enhance creativity, lets kids see the</p><p>world differently, access information from anywhere, and find and develop</p><p>new passions, concepts, and ideas.</p><p>REMEMBER…</p><p>Within every child lies a vast reservoir of creative potential.</p><p>No two children have the same thought patterns and brain anatomy. Each is</p><p>entirely unique, the result of genetic factors and life experiences.</p><p>Owning your future involves understanding and expressing your unique set of</p><p>skills, talents, and passions.</p><p>Serotonin is an essential neurochemical for creativity—it produces feelings of</p><p>safety, contentment, and confidence. It also bolsters self-esteem, increases</p><p>feelings of worthiness, and helps keep anxiety at bay.</p><p>Serotonin is stimulated when we play, when we follow our creative passions and</p><p>do things we love, when we bond with and contribute to our tribe, and when we</p><p>exercise and get sunlight.</p><p>Children and teens need guidance to use technology in the six ways to enhance</p><p>creativity.</p><p>Whereas in the past teaching has focused on content, we now need to put more</p><p>emphasis on how to think creatively, how to ask the right questions, how to relate</p><p>to people with empathy, how to take initiative, how to solve unanticipated</p><p>problems, and how to cope with real-life stress.</p><p>To succeed in a highly social, ultracompetitive, tech-based modern economy, our</p><p>children need to be equipped with things that computers don’t have: cognitive</p><p>skills like creativity and critical thinking along with the ability to collaborate,</p><p>communicate, and contribute. These are the five pillars of future-ready</p><p>intelligence, or CQ.</p><p>When it comes to creativity, free play is more powerful than structured play in that</p><p>it stimulates neural pathways for abstract thinking, emotional regulation, problem</p><p>solving, and strategizing.</p><p>SOLUTIONS</p><p>In this chapter we learned that children are born creators. Technology is</p><p>allowing them to dream big, see the world differently, access information</p><p>from anywhere, and find and develop new passions, concepts, and ideas. In</p><p>developing their identities and individual talents, their minds produce the</p><p>neurochemical serotonin. This “happy chemical” helps them feel self-</p><p>respect, pride, and contentment. In the pages ahead I’ll suggest ways to help</p><p>your kids feed their talents and find their life’s passions. I’ll also suggest</p><p>how tech can be used to build critical thinking and creativity and to explore,</p><p>enhance, and showcase their individuality.</p><p>KEY STRATEGIES</p><p>DON’T</p><p>Solve problems for your kids or bar them from taking risks</p><p>Manage their creativity by hovering over them while they play</p><p>Enrol them in too many structured activities</p><p>Reward them excessively, depriving them of the intrinsic pleasure that comes</p><p>from making mistakes, failing, and creating</p><p>Eliminate moments of boredom by overscheduling</p><p>DO</p><p>Encourage free play and allow for lots of free time</p><p>Be hands off—support self-led problem solving and creativity</p><p>Let your kids make simple choices, whether it’s how to do their homework or</p><p>what to eat for dinner</p><p>Talk about creativity. Ask them questions like What did you do today that made</p><p>you think differently? or What mistake did you make that taught you something?</p><p>Guide your child towards different types of play</p><p>Keep learning fun and encourage healthy risk taking</p><p>Encourage them to ask questions and to practise observation</p><p>AVOID…</p><p>Any technology that increases the risk of addiction, stress, anxiety, depression,</p><p>burnout, perfectionism, and loneliness as it may also reduce the individuality, identity,</p><p>and passions of your child.</p><p>LIMIT AND MONITOR…</p><p>Play that is strictly structured, resulting in a child passively following another’s</p><p>invention or creativity, as in many video games</p><p>ENCOURAGE…</p><p>Tech that fosters creativity, innovation, connection, and mastery. This kind of tech</p><p>releases serotonin, and when your child uses tech for creating art, graphics, and</p><p>websites, or learning to read or do math, they develop greater mastery in these</p><p>areas.</p><p>HOW TO ENHANCE A PLAY MINDSET</p><p>Those who have a play mindset are comfortable exploring new ways of</p><p>doing things, making mistakes, taking risks, and learning through trial and</p><p>error. All animals learn about the world through trial and error. But even as</p><p>we parents encourage our children to try new things, we can often send</p><p>them mixed signals about mistakes and failure. So it’s important to</p><p>remember that the errors are just as important as the trials—and that</p><p>children who understand and accept failure as just another part of the</p><p>learning process perform better at school, at work, and in life.</p><p>A play mindset, then, is the foundation for adaptability, mastery,</p><p>creativity, and innovation. Children develop all these through play and</p><p>exploration. There are at least six subtypes of play, each one developing</p><p>different centres of the brain. So when we regularly participate in all six</p><p>types, we develop mastery in different areas of human intelligence and get</p><p>closer to reaching our full potential. We also develop diversity in both our</p><p>passions and our talents, allowing us to learn from and be inspired by each</p><p>other.</p><p>1. Storytelling Play</p><p>Kids are born storytellers. Indeed, telling stories has been an important part</p><p>of human culture since our hunter-gatherer days. Storytelling helps us make</p><p>sense of the world, understand life’s lessons, and never forget them.</p><p>We can guide children and youth towards tech that helps them practise</p><p>and master the art of storytelling. They’re constantly being exposed to</p><p>storytelling online—whether in short ads, videos, or articles. But they can</p><p>create their own books and movies with the help of certain technologies that</p><p>allow them to accompany their stories with pictures, music, animation, and</p><p>graphics. You may also want to help your child find opportunities to share</p><p>their narratives or research. One of our most popular Dolphin Kids camps is</p><p>a TEDx-style public-speaking camp where kids research a passion and</p><p>present it to their peers through stories.</p><p>2. Body Movement Play</p><p>When children move their bodies they’re also moving their minds. And</p><p>when they play—by jumping, falling, running, twirling, throwing, and</p><p>catching—they’re thinking in motion. The push and pull of the physical</p><p>body that happens in rough-and-tumble play helps develop the pathways for</p><p>the push and pull of our emotional and social bodies. And it’s been found</p><p>that children who participate in such play—from wrestling to the classic</p><p>game of Twister—are less likely to bully or be bullied. These games help</p><p>develop neural trails of understanding how far you can go before someone</p><p>gets hurt, when to back off, when to assert yourself, and how to say sorry:</p><p>all critical social skills for later in life.</p><p>Guide children towards using technologies that enhance their interest in</p><p>and mastery of sports, dance, martial arts, yoga, and so forth. Encourage</p><p>them to choose active technologies like the Nintendo Wii. In moving their</p><p>bodies in new and different ways, they fire and wire complex neural circuits</p><p>that enhance their overall IQ, EQ (emotional intelligence), and CQ.</p><p>3. Celebratory and Ritual Play</p><p>We see this type of play being used hand in hand with technology all the</p><p>time. Celebrations like International Women’s Day and Valentine’s Day are</p><p>played out online via social media and bring enhanced connection and</p><p>predictability to our lives. Consider all the celebratory and ritual play that</p><p>happens online every New Year’s—messages, memes, videos, quotes, and</p><p>graphics of inspiration, hope, and resolutions to change old habits and bring</p><p>in new perspectives. This type of play builds our identity and community</p><p>connectedness and brings richness to important social patterns.</p><p>I myself use celebratory and ritual play in my social media feeds,</p><p>employing such markers as Motivation Monday, Tech Tuesday, and</p><p>Wellness Wednesday as a way to maintain a sense of predictability in the</p><p>information I’m sharing. I also use days of acknowledgment and reverence</p><p>to celebrate the greater meaning behind a moment, such as being grateful on</p><p>Remembrance Day or advocating for self-care on World Mental Health</p><p>Day. Encourage your children to use tech to engage in celebratory and ritual</p><p>play around the moments and occasions that matter to them.</p><p>4. Object Play</p><p>The human hand evolved over roughly the same time period as the human</p><p>brain. We kick off powerful mental processes by using our hands to explore</p><p>our physical environments. By manipulating objects—whether it’s Play-</p><p>Doh, ceramics, rock sculptures, sandcastles, or video game consoles—your</p><p>kids are developing pathways that encourage them to explore, to assess</p><p>their safety, to use different tools. Technology can help them try out other</p><p>forms of object play. You may want to encourage your child to attempt new</p><p>things like robotics, drones, and DIY YouTube videos.</p><p>5. Educational Play</p><p>Educational play involves specific learning, such as reading or math,</p><p>through trial and error, games, and sheer fun. It tends to be a type of</p><p>structured play, since it generally has an outcome in the form of an</p><p>academic lesson or skill.</p><p>When your children engage in this kind of play, it’s important that they</p><p>keep in mind the whole point of education: not to beat other people in</p><p>exams or fill the void</p><p>of insecurity through awards and accolades, but rather</p><p>to learn skills that help them gain access to the world around them so that</p><p>they can create, flourish, make a positive impact, and have fun doing it.</p><p>That’s why they go to school, study, and learn.</p><p>Technology that can help them learn skills such as reading and math in</p><p>the service of building confidence to gain access to the world can generally</p><p>be considered healthy, as long as it doesn’t encroach on a balanced lifestyle.</p><p>6. Imaginative Play</p><p>Imaginative play is among the most powerful forms of play. When your</p><p>child allows their mind to wander, they’re building new trails of possibility.</p><p>Imaginative play is linked to creativity, empathy, and higher IQ scores.</p><p>I ask my kids to imagine with their senses all the time. What would that</p><p>idea look like, sound like, feel like? Each time they imagine something</p><p>they’re wiring and firing the link between possibility and reality in their</p><p>lives.</p><p>When my daughter was nervous about starting preschool, I noticed that</p><p>she naturally used imaginary play to prepare. She pretended she was a</p><p>teacher, and set up her room like a classroom. I could hear her introducing</p><p>herself to and “teaching” her imaginary students. She continues to repeat</p><p>this practice for all sorts of new possibilities—taking her first dive in swim</p><p>practice, changing elementary schools, singing in a choir. In doing so she</p><p>builds new trails and wires and fires possibility into reality.</p><p>VISUALIZATION</p><p>As children get older, they often stop playing imaginary games—but they</p><p>don’t have to. And one way to encourage tweens and teens to continue</p><p>imaginative play is through visualization.</p><p>Visualization is a powerful way to de-stress—to reduce cortisol, release</p><p>endorphins, and initiate new trails of confidence and creativity through</p><p>serotonin. It can also help your child meet their concrete, practical goals.</p><p>A lot of anxiety we may feel about something is grounded in the</p><p>uncertainty or unfamiliarity of the experience. And since we know that the</p><p>human brain doesn’t always differentiate between a real memory and an</p><p>imagined one, we can help our children use visualization to familiarize their</p><p>mind with the activity and build confidence in trying new and different</p><p>things. For example, one of my sons is afraid of heights, so I guided him</p><p>towards using visualization to reduce his fears and prepare for a ziplining</p><p>adventure we had planned.</p><p>If you can create a clear, confident image of yourself in a situation by</p><p>building a full, positive visualization of the sights, sounds, smells, and</p><p>feelings you might experience in being successful at it, you’ll often be able</p><p>to translate that positive “memory” to real life confidence and success. This</p><p>kind of visualization can also help kids develop new skills more quickly:</p><p>my kids use it to improve their three-point shots in basketball!</p><p>HOW TO GUIDE YOUR CHILD</p><p>THROUGH A VISUALIZATION EXERCISE</p><p>1. Ask your child to relax their body and mind through a few minutes of deep,</p><p>relaxed breathing.</p><p>2. Help them determine their visualization goal clearly: I’m going to imagine</p><p>successfully delivering my speech in public.</p><p>3. Help your child make the scene as real as possible. Ask them to try using all their</p><p>senses to build up a realistic scene—a “memory” that will remain vivid in their</p><p>mind: “See yourself in front of the audience and feel the lights on your face and</p><p>the microphone in your hands.”</p><p>4. Have them evoke positive emotions by visualizing past or future moments of joy,</p><p>gratitude, love, and pride, allowing the release of dopamine, endorphins,</p><p>oxytocin, and serotonin to solidify pathways. You might expand the scene your</p><p>child is visualizing by saying something like “Now imagine how your body is</p><p>going to feel when you’re giving your speech—how excited and happy you’re</p><p>going to be. You’ve spent weeks writing and practising your speech and so</p><p>you’re comfortable here, sharing your knowledge with the audience. Look out at</p><p>the audience and see how engaged they are, how this information can help</p><p>them. Take a moment to enjoy it and to take pride in your accomplishment. You</p><p>worked hard, and now here you are; you did it.” The more vivid the details, the</p><p>better for reducing stress and wiring positive feelings with the activity.</p><p>5. Repeat for best results!</p><p>KEEP LEARNING FUN</p><p>In criticizing children when they make a mess, for example, and in</p><p>constantly evaluating them through report cards, and standardized tests, we</p><p>condition them to avoid play. Conversely, bringing positive emotions like</p><p>wonder, pride, and joy to a task wires that task with endorphins, serotonin,</p><p>and many other powerful neurochemicals, including oxytocin if it’s a social</p><p>activity. And since the twenty-first century requires lifelong learning, we</p><p>must fire and wire learning with fun and positive emotion if we want our</p><p>children to be self-motivated.</p><p>Cultivating a sense of fun around learning can help your child remain</p><p>engaged and intrinsically motivated in their day-to-day life. This will</p><p>certainly translate to all aspects of their life—and will help them remain</p><p>curious and engaged in continuing to learn about the tech that will shape</p><p>their futures.</p><p>Thankfully, many practices that keep learning fun are the very things</p><p>children love to do. They’re a part of play, which means we don’t need any</p><p>special training to do them. I call these “CQ developers” because they</p><p>encourage the five pillars of the Consciousness Quotient: creativity, critical</p><p>thinking, communication, collaboration, and contribution. Here are some of</p><p>my favourites.</p><p>Encourage Questions and Observation</p><p>Asking questions and observing the world are things children do naturally</p><p>and quite expertly: Why is the sky blue? Why does the sun rise on this side</p><p>and set on that side? Why do you have to go to work? Why do people have</p><p>to die? Why, why, why…? Children who question anything and everything</p><p>have a passion for critical thinking, challenging the status quo, and pushing</p><p>boundaries.</p><p>So make a conscious effort to celebrate your child’s curiosity from a</p><p>young age. While it may be tempting to shut down excessive questioning,</p><p>asking questions builds crucial critical thinking skills that will serve them</p><p>when they’re older. Try to see the world through their eyes, and offer up an</p><p>enthusiastic and engaged response—even if you’ve been asked “Why?” a</p><p>hundred times that day.</p><p>As your children get older and start to explore the online world, guide</p><p>them towards observing and questioning what they’re seeing online. What</p><p>is the point of that video, meme, or image? How could technology be used</p><p>to express an idea or concept? Not only will this foster critical thinking and</p><p>creativity, it will also arm your kids with a stronger ability to make good</p><p>judgments and quick decisions that will keep them safe. And by having</p><p>experienced your consistent interest in their curiosity when they were</p><p>young, they’ll have built that neural trail and will know they can go to you</p><p>with any questions that come up online. But like all habits, they have to</p><p>continue to use the associated trail, so remember to ask them questions and</p><p>remind them to turn to you as well.</p><p>Have Children Try First Before You Step In</p><p>Sometimes it’s good to let children try something before offering them any</p><p>instruction or advice. Be encouraging, and tell them that there’s no right or</p><p>wrong way, so try it their way! This open-ended exploration of the world</p><p>creates neural trails of comfort with uncertainty, abstract thinking, problem</p><p>solving, and hands-on learning.</p><p>For example, if your child’s tech consumption gets out of balance,</p><p>encourage them to brainstorm and try out ideas to redress that imbalance.</p><p>Once they have, you can collaboratively evaluate their approach and what</p><p>may help them further succeed. Then have them try again—and repeat this</p><p>process until they can solve the problem on their own. Since kids have a</p><p>deep knowledge of tech use, tips, and tools, you may be surprised by what</p><p>they come up with. For example, when I reminded my nine-year-old</p><p>daughter</p><p>that her goal was to cut down on mindless YouTube videos in</p><p>favour of more creative platforms, she came up with four delightful</p><p>programs that helped her create her own movie, music video, wall mosaic,</p><p>and lip gloss!</p><p>This concept is also key to establishing healthy learning habits. My son</p><p>used to want help finding the right sites to visit for research before he’d</p><p>even tried on his own. I explained that homework isn’t only about following</p><p>instructions or getting the answer right or wrong—it’s also about figuring</p><p>out what you already know and what you need to learn.</p><p>So instead of supplying the answer, try breaking things down for them.</p><p>Suppose, for example, that your child is frustrated over a particular</p><p>homework problem she’s been trying to solve. Instead of showing her how</p><p>to do it, ask her where she’s stuck and why. Then encourage her to break</p><p>down the problem into small steps. Try giving her a clue or a small</p><p>suggestion. As she progresses through resolving the problem, say things</p><p>like “You’re really close” or, if she gets stuck, “I can help you with this</p><p>part.” This approach will help initiate their critical thinking, adaptability,</p><p>and innovation pathways and move children from being followers to being</p><p>leaders.</p><p>Encourage Healthy Risk Taking</p><p>Guide your children to be curious, to try new things, to take risks. Take</p><p>precautions with new technologies, however. Tell your kids to be careful</p><p>when trying out new things online. It may be okay to try a new way of</p><p>writing through a blog or by designing a website, but it wouldn’t be wise to</p><p>post something that could be embarrassing later on, like a deeply personal</p><p>story or a photo depicting a party.</p><p>For teens who are already risk takers, I wouldn’t recommend using tech</p><p>as a platform for risk taking, since they may be stuck with a permanent</p><p>record of something they’ll later regret. Instead, encourage them to try a</p><p>new sport, hobby, or art form, like a drama or an improv class. They could</p><p>also take risks by going to an amusement park or watching a horror movie.</p><p>THE DOs AND DON’Ts OF TAKING RISKS ONLINE</p><p>DO</p><p>Follow the golden rule: treat others in the same way you would want to be</p><p>treated in the online world.</p><p>Think about the future before you write or post anything. There’s no such thing as</p><p>a true delete from the internet, and content can be easily spread and altered.</p><p>Work with your child to determine privacy settings on their social media accounts.</p><p>Show them how to restrict who sees their posts, photos, and messages, and</p><p>explain why.</p><p>Remind your child that you’re here to talk if there’s ever cause for concern, and</p><p>that you’ll always respond out of love, not a desire to punish them.</p><p>DON’T</p><p>Share personal information, including passwords, online</p><p>Respond to emails, texts, or messages from strangers</p><p>Turn on location sharing</p><p>Click links, open attachments, or accept gifts from someone you don’t know</p><p>Agree to meet someone you met online</p><p>Use fake birthdates to gain access to apps. The U.S. Children’s Online Privacy</p><p>and Protection Act forbids online companies from knowingly collecting data and</p><p>using it for marketing purposes on users under thirteen.</p><p>REMEMBER DOWNTIME!</p><p>According to the well-known tale, the mathematician Archimedes was</p><p>sinking into a public bath in ancient Greece, stewing over a problem, when</p><p>it suddenly struck him that the more his body was submerged into the water,</p><p>the more water slipped over the side. When the math whiz realized he’d hit</p><p>on the answer he’d been searching for, he leapt up and rushed home naked,</p><p>yelling “Eureka! Eureka!” What he’d discovered was a way to measure</p><p>volume by displacement.</p><p>History is full of moments like these. Isaac Newton, lounging in the</p><p>shade, was bonked by a falling apple and discovered gravity. And Albert</p><p>Einstein, while chatting idly with a good friend, developed a key insight</p><p>into his theory of relativity.</p><p>Research conducted by Jonathan Schooler, who teaches brain science at</p><p>the University of California at Santa Barbara, underlines that these</p><p>inspirational lightning strikes happen only when we allow our brains to</p><p>roam—in other words, that our brains need free time to drift in order to</p><p>make unexpected neuronal connections.</p><p>Just imagine, I tell my kids, if on that fateful day Archimedes had spent</p><p>his bathtime scrolling his Instagram feed.</p><p>8</p><p>INTUITION: Guiding Your Family to a Healthy Tech Diet</p><p>Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are.</p><p>—ANTHELME BRILLAT-SAVARIN</p><p>MY MOM, GIAN, IS EIGHTY-TWO. She worked for decades as a cook, cleaner,</p><p>and factory worker while raising five kids. One of eight siblings herself, she</p><p>grew up in a small village in the Punjab. Although she was bright and</p><p>quick, sending her to school was beyond her parents’ means. Gian endured</p><p>a lot of hardship throughout her life, but she always maintained a sense of</p><p>grace, hope, and gratitude. She trusts that the universe has her back and that</p><p>all will work out the way it was meant to. In her Sikh faith, three beliefs are</p><p>paramount: you work hard, you share with your community, and you trust</p><p>in your spiritual connection, especially in difficult times.</p><p>On Sundays at the temple after prayers, we’d help our mother make</p><p>lunch for the community and then clean up afterwards. Even when I was</p><p>stressed about having an assignment due or an exam the following day, my</p><p>mom wouldn’t let me beg off: she’d always say that my community needed</p><p>me. This gave me not only a sense that my actions mattered, but also an</p><p>understanding of the greater good. Contribution and trust were key values</p><p>in our home. I remember once getting 95 percent on a difficult math exam</p><p>and rushing home to tell my mom. “That’s good,” she said. “But what did</p><p>you do in your day? Who did you help?” She would always make sure I</p><p>understood that there was more to life than academic or material success.</p><p>We were by no means wealthy, and yet, even when we were just getting</p><p>by, my parents showed us we could trust that our future had enough to</p><p>share. Once, when my father was driving a taxi, he met a newly arrived</p><p>immigrant at the airport. The man had nowhere to stay, so my dad invited</p><p>him to our home, where he remained for two years. My parents taught us</p><p>that the strongest bonds survive because when there is suffering, we share.</p><p>That a life of purpose is built on kindness, compassion, trust, and</p><p>community.</p><p>My mom didn’t fret about the right way to parent when we were growing</p><p>up (in fact, she thinks the whole idea of a parenting expert is baloney). Gian</p><p>is a grounded woman who used common sense to guide her actions. She</p><p>had high expectations for us, but trusted us to do the work and succeed on</p><p>our own volition. She had rules and structure, but she didn’t micromanage</p><p>us. She expected us to do our best in school, but rarely checked to see</p><p>whether we’d finished our homework. In short, she was a true dolphin</p><p>parent.</p><p>Dolphin parents provide children with an environment that sends the</p><p>message of trust: that it’s okay to fall and be clumsy. And this is how we</p><p>learn best—through trial and error. When children are young, dolphin</p><p>parents pick them up and help them clean up after themselves. They</p><p>encourage independence. As their children grow older, they guide them to</p><p>learn to pick themselves up and clean up their own messes. They value self-</p><p>care, connection, adaptability, community, and self-motivation.</p><p>My mom was parenting by intuition, the knowledge gifted to us by</p><p>nature. She knew intuitively that trust, optimism, contribution, and a</p><p>balanced lifestyle were key to a healthy life. To flourish in today’s</p><p>hyperconnected, stressful world, I think we need to remember these simple</p><p>truths more than ever. Of course, I’m not saying that parenting is a passive</p><p>process. It’s not okay to grant your child unlimited access to technology by</p><p>buying them an iPhone or a laptop and hoping they figure it out. The hard</p><p>work of parenting involves consistently guiding your children in becoming</p><p>the best version of themselves.</p><p>In this chapter I offer you a straightforward parenting paradigm to</p><p>help</p><p>guide your children towards better digital decision making. By now you</p><p>understand what’s happening in their mind when they’re using tech and</p><p>how tech will impact them, now and in the future. You understand the ways</p><p>tech companies are exploiting human biology to keep kids hooked on their</p><p>products. But you also know that healthy technology can help children</p><p>connect, create, and flourish.</p><p>Before we get to my six-week, six-step plan for rebalancing your</p><p>family’s tech use, let me return to the idea of using intuition to help guide</p><p>your decision making.</p><p>THE BEAUTY OF INTUITION</p><p>Think back to the last time you binged on junk food all alone in your</p><p>kitchen or in front of the TV. You might have felt a rush of excitement when</p><p>you reached for those cookies. That sensation was caused by dopamine.</p><p>And how did you feel when the cookies were all gone? Were you craving</p><p>more? Perhaps, but I bet you were also feeling a bit grumpy, frustrated with</p><p>yourself, and maybe even a bit sick. That feeling was caused by a</p><p>combination of dopamine withdrawal and cortisol. Now, think back to the</p><p>last time you cooked or ate a healthy meal with your family. Did you feel</p><p>any guilt or frustration when you finished? Likely not. In fact, I bet the</p><p>meal left you feeling content, bonded to the people closest to you, and</p><p>perhaps even motivated to tackle the next task at hand. Those good feelings</p><p>were caused by the release of endorphins, oxytocin, and serotonin.</p><p>Our bodies are always communicating with us, whether we choose to</p><p>listen or not. When you drink a third glass of wine, get clumsy, and start</p><p>slurring your words, your body is telling you to stop drinking. When you</p><p>start to feel sick after eating a second piece of chocolate cake, your body is</p><p>telling you to dial it back.</p><p>The reality is, you didn’t need a book or an expert to explain all that. If</p><p>you were relaxed and reflective, you understood what your body was</p><p>communicating to you. That’s intuition. If you were feeling stressed out,</p><p>triggering your freeze-fight-or-flight response, however, all you’d be</p><p>feeling is anxiety, irritability, and distraction. You wouldn’t be able to hear</p><p>what your body was communicating to you. It would all be conflicting</p><p>noise. You’d be bouncing around. Rather than intuitively interacting with</p><p>your world, you’d be reacting to it—driven by your survival instincts.</p><p>To me, intuition is synonymous with common sense—knowledge we all</p><p>share, grounded in the neurochemical system and neuroplastic hardwiring</p><p>I’ve discussed in preceding chapters. It’s when we’re relaxed that we can</p><p>best access how we intuitively feel about a situation. Answers and solutions</p><p>will be clear.</p><p>The experience of consuming tech isn’t all that different from eating, and</p><p>triggers similar biological responses. Certain types of tech nurture your</p><p>children’s minds and bodies while others leave them feeling awful,</p><p>especially if they overindulge. By paying attention to their experiences with</p><p>technology and encouraging them to make a habit of doing the same, they</p><p>can begin to cultivate their own intuition about the tech they’re consuming</p><p>and, in time, learn how to self-regulate.</p><p>WHAT IS A HEALTHY TECH DIET?</p><p>Education is another important part of learning to self-regulate. A healthy</p><p>tech diet involves educating your children in self-regulation by teaching</p><p>them to view the technology they consume the same way they do the food</p><p>they eat. After all, it impacts their bodies and minds in similar ways. Just as</p><p>we teach our kids to avoid toxic foods, limit snack foods, and focus on</p><p>healthy foods, we must also teach them to avoid toxic tech, limit junk tech,</p><p>and consume healthy technology as part of a balanced life. And just ass</p><p>brain-</p><p>boosting foods like wild salmon, nuts, and berries will help them function at</p><p>a higher level, brain-boosting tech will allow them to do the same.</p><p>This type of teaching—based on a familiar paradigm, beginning early,</p><p>and building over time—is likely to stay with your children for their entire</p><p>lives. And in teaching your child about tech alongside nutrition, you’ll also</p><p>elevate technology consumption to the importance you give to healthy</p><p>eating.</p><p>We know, however, that just as food can’t always be easily divided into</p><p>simple categories—granola bars, for example, might seem healthy but are</p><p>often heavily processed and high in sugar—the same holds true for</p><p>technology. That’s why the Tech Solution that follows doesn’t categorize</p><p>technology as either good or bad but considers the context it’s used in, what</p><p>neurochemicals it releases, and how it makes children feel. Tech consumed</p><p>in the middle of the night, for example, when it gets in the way of sleep, is</p><p>never healthy, and nor is tech used as an escape from feeling stressed or</p><p>agitated. Having conversations about these things with your kids will help</p><p>them understand how their tech use impacts their emotions and behaviours,</p><p>and will, in turn, help them make their own healthy choices.</p><p>In fact, this type of “neuro education” will open the door to deeper</p><p>insights into a range of human experiences. Your children will begin to</p><p>understand that their feelings, moods, and behaviours are affected not only</p><p>by the foods they eat and the tech they consume but also by the</p><p>relationships they build and how they choose to spend their time.</p><p>1. Healthy Tech</p><p>Healthy tech encompasses the kinds of websites, apps, and platforms that</p><p>will lead your children’s brains to release endorphins, oxytocin, or</p><p>serotonin. Put differently, this is tech that will lead them to what you might</p><p>think of as the three C’s: (self-)care, connection, and creation. With healthy</p><p>tech you can be flexible and let your kids enjoy exploring the world online,</p><p>as long as their time is balanced with other healthy real-life habits (see How</p><p>to Schedule Tech Time, this page). I encourage my kids to use their tech</p><p>time to either care for themselves, connect with others, or be creative. Tell</p><p>your kids it’s like eating healthy fruits, vegetables, and proteins.</p><p>So let’s review these key ingredients to self-care, connection, and</p><p>creation:</p><p>—</p><p>Endorphins are the body’s natural painkiller and a neurochemical of well-</p><p>being and euphoria. Tech use that promotes forms of self-care such as</p><p>mindfulness, gratitude, and cardiovascular exercise will stimulate the</p><p>endorphin system.</p><p>—</p><p>Oxytocin makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside when we make meaningful</p><p>connections and build bonds with others. Examples of tech that will trigger</p><p>the release of oxytocin include FaceTiming with family and friends,</p><p>positive social media, and community-</p><p>building activities like online advocacy or fundraising. Oxytocin release</p><p>from these types of tech is generally healthy. One exception is when</p><p>marketers and bad actors manipulate trust to promote agendas and</p><p>encourage spending. So it’s important to not assume that all feelings of</p><p>online bonding and trust are healthy, and to teach children to be aware and</p><p>critical of manipulation tactics.</p><p>—</p><p>Serotonin—the neurochemical of creativity, happiness, and confidence—is</p><p>released when we use tech that allows us to create, innovate, and develop</p><p>mastery in an area of interest. For example, when your child uses tech to</p><p>create art, graphics, and websites, or when learning to read or do math,</p><p>they’re developing greater mastery of these skills and art forms.</p><p>Participation in online activities that result in creative thinking, independent</p><p>problem solving, and leadership is also healthy.</p><p>2. Junk Tech</p><p>Dopamine—the neurochemical of reward—encourages humans to hunt,</p><p>gather, and bond in the short term. Its release can be positive if those</p><p>activities are kept in balance and lead to the activation of the oxytocin,</p><p>serotonin, and endorphin systems. We do this through (self-)care,</p><p>connection, and creativity: the three C’s I cited earlier. But dopamine is a lot</p><p>like sugar. We need it to survive, but too much of it can cause addictions</p><p>and other harm.</p><p>Examples of junk tech include superficially socializing (or bonding) by</p><p>maintaining a Snapchat streak or scrolling and liking</p><p>social media.</p><p>Dopamine can be released while playing video games like Halo (hunting)</p><p>or Candy Crush Saga (gathering), especially when your kids are playing</p><p>alone. Consuming this type of tech use is no different from eating chips or</p><p>candy. Dopamine will certainly be released from the competition,</p><p>collection, or perceived socializing, but without more meaningful activities,</p><p>the sense of withdrawal children experience after putting down the console</p><p>or iPad will cause them to want to return to the activity for another hit of</p><p>dopamine. This can set up the feedback loop where junk tech becomes</p><p>toxic, addictive, or stressful tech. However, working with your child to</p><p>attune them to how this tech is making them feel in the short and long term</p><p>will be highly beneficial in helping them self-regulate, make positive</p><p>choices, and establish healthy habits.</p><p>I look at junk tech the same way I do treats. If kept to a minimum, it</p><p>won’t harm your child. On Fridays, for example, I might let my kids eat</p><p>pizza for dinner and have chips or ice cream later on. My daughter is</p><p>allowed to watch one hour of her favourite YouTube show and my sons get</p><p>to play NBA Live or FIFA with their cousins. But if that’s all they were</p><p>consuming throughout the week, it would have serious health repercussions.</p><p>So just as too much sugar can become toxic, junk tech can become toxic</p><p>tech in two ways:</p><p>1. When its use has gotten out of control and addictive habits develop.</p><p>Any tech use in this context is toxic. It needs to be managed and/or</p><p>treated.</p><p>2. When its use takes time away from the three C’s—(self-)care,</p><p>connection, and creativity. Even when your child isn’t addicted to video</p><p>games or social media, if the time they’re spending on this type of</p><p>media interferes with the three C’s, that tech use has become toxic.</p><p>Since avoiding junk tech entirely probably isn’t realistic, discuss, limit,</p><p>and monitor video games and social media until your child seems able to</p><p>regulate their own use of it. As with junk food, the less you bring into the</p><p>home and expose your child to, the better.</p><p>3. Toxic Tech</p><p>Toxic tech is any tech use that causes the release of cortisol—the</p><p>neurochemical of stress and a hallmark of our sleep-deprived, overly busy,</p><p>distracted, and increasingly lonely society. Cortisol pushes your children to</p><p>withdraw socially, dysregulates such biological rhythms as sleep and</p><p>appetite, and clouds their thinking. Any technology that leads to the release</p><p>of cortisol is toxic. Your children should try their best to avoid it</p><p>completely.</p><p>Examples of toxic tech include cyberbullying, online social conflicts, and</p><p>social media that leads to FOMO and comparisons. Keep in mind that</p><p>multitasking—constantly shuffling through media by opening and closing</p><p>Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, BuzzFeed, a podcasting app, a chat, and so on</p><p>—can also be toxic. We must teach our kids that when tech isn’t being</p><p>implemented intentionally for productivity and efficiency, we develop the</p><p>bad habit of engaging in continual partial attention. Not only is this</p><p>stressful, but it also doesn’t foster the reflection, contemplation, and focus</p><p>that help us learn and accomplish our goals.</p><p>Stay firm when guiding your children towards eliminating and avoiding</p><p>toxic tech. I try not to buy or allow my kids to use it at all: we block all</p><p>potential gambling and pornography sites, and with our older kids I</p><p>frequently check in and discuss the toxicity of FOMO, online comparisons,</p><p>and unintentional multitasking.</p><p>Remember, the consumption of even healthy tech can trigger the stress</p><p>response if it leads to a prolonged lack of eye contact with others, sleep</p><p>deprivation, sedentary behaviour, posture issues, or loneliness. Tech use</p><p>should always either facilitate or, at the very least, not interfere with the</p><p>essential ingredients of a healthy, balanced life—the activities that lead to</p><p>the release of oxytocin (when kids build meaningful bonds), endorphins</p><p>(when they practise self-care), and serotonin (when they engage in creative</p><p>pursuits).</p><p>BUILDING A HEALTHY TECH DIET</p><p>On the following pages I’ve included a handy reference chart to help you</p><p>categorize different types of tech usage. (But remember: always use your</p><p>intuition to determine whether something healthy or fun in moderation has</p><p>turned into junk or toxic tech that may have harmful effects.)</p><p>Key</p><p>Neurochemicals Avoid Toxic Tech Limit and Monitor</p><p>Junk Tech</p><p>Enjoy Healthy Tech in</p><p>Moderation</p><p>Dopamine • gambling</p><p>• pornography</p><p>addictive use of:</p><p>• video games</p><p>• social media</p><p>• shopping</p><p>• video games with</p><p>persuasive</p><p>design</p><p>• mindless tech with</p><p>no purpose; e.g.,</p><p>scrolling</p><p>• superficial social</p><p>media; e.g.,</p><p>Snapchat</p><p>streaks,</p><p>gathering likes</p><p>Cortisol tech use that leads to:</p><p>• social comparison</p><p>• FOMO</p><p>• social conflict</p><p>• cyberbullying</p><p>• multitasking</p><p>• sleep deprivation</p><p>• lack of eye contact</p><p>• loneliness</p><p>• sedentary behaviour</p><p>• poor posture</p><p>Endorphins tech use that leads to self-</p><p>care as long as it’s balanced</p><p>with real-life activities,</p><p>including:</p><p>• exercise</p><p>• mindfulness/meditation</p><p>• gratitude</p><p>• sleep</p><p>Oxytocin tech that manipulates</p><p>and exploits a child’s</p><p>trust and bonding,</p><p>such as:</p><p>• toxic friends</p><p>• predators</p><p>• scammers</p><p>• political extremism</p><p>tech use that leads to social</p><p>connection, as long as it’s</p><p>balanced with real-life</p><p>activities:</p><p>• video chat with loved ones</p><p>• positive social media chat</p><p>• community building</p><p>• advocacy fundraising</p><p>Serotonin tech use that leads to</p><p>creativity and confidence, as</p><p>long as it’s balanced with</p><p>real-life activities:</p><p>• educational sites, such as</p><p>“learn-to-read” or math</p><p>sites</p><p>• art-based activities,</p><p>including drawing, building</p><p>websites, iMovie, graphic</p><p>design</p><p>• coding and creating video</p><p>games, apps, etc.</p><p>• informative webinars, online</p><p>courses (e.g., MasterClass)</p><p>Put it all together, and a healthy tech diet might look something like this:</p><p>PARENTING FOR A HEALTHY TECH DIET</p><p>The best way to guide your children towards healthy tech use is to behave</p><p>as a dolphin parent and be firm yet flexible (this page). Even with healthy</p><p>tech—and always with junk tech!—we need to watch our children’s portion</p><p>sizes and help guard them from overindulging, especially those who are</p><p>prone to it. Help your kids learn to “listen to their tummies” by encouraging</p><p>them to reflect on how their tech consumption is making them feel. That</p><p>way they’ll know when to turn off the screen. Remember, it’s parents who</p><p>control the supply lines—we’re the ones who make the purchases that</p><p>determine what kids indulge in, and when.</p><p>Of course, there will always be slip-ups. And you’ll find that you need to</p><p>make tweaks and adjustments, just as you do with your kids’ diets. If my</p><p>kids want to play a video game longer or watch TV during the week, they</p><p>have to ask us, just as they have to ask for extra dessert. And believe me,</p><p>there are times when they don’t ask! When they’re caught, we talk about it.</p><p>Sometimes we take away the video game or remove the privilege of</p><p>watching TV. Sometimes the Xbox console or iPad gets stored in our</p><p>bedroom. We sometimes do the same with all of the junk food in the house.</p><p>Just as we advise parents to delay junk food for infants and alcohol for</p><p>teens as long as possible, do the same for junk tech. If your sixteen-year-old</p><p>isn’t drinking, don’t give her a beer. Don’t normalize it. If your six-year-old</p><p>isn’t begging to go online, don’t introduce him to an iPad. There’s no rush.</p><p>Keep in mind that there’s no evidence to support introducing technology at</p><p>an early age. And just as you limit sweets in the real world, talk with your</p><p>kids about setting limits with tech. Understand, though, that holidays and</p><p>other special circumstances will require some flexibility. If you’re flying</p><p>with a five-year-old, the world won’t end if you entertain them with an iPad</p><p>or let them have an extra cookie—or both!</p><p>THE TECH SOLUTION: A SIX-WEEK, SIX-</p><p>STEP PLAN</p><p>I’ve developed this structured plan for establishing a healthy tech diet for</p><p>you and your family. Yes, I said you and your family! We know that change</p><p>works</p><p>best through a group process. It doesn’t single out a “problem”</p><p>individual, and members can provide one another with support, motivation,</p><p>and momentum.</p><p>The plan includes evidence-based steps that I’ve researched, taught, and</p><p>used in my clinical practice for almost twenty years. They’re grounded in</p><p>the science of motivational interviewing, cognitive behavioural therapy, and</p><p>common sense. I’ve tried, tested, and finessed these steps with countless</p><p>children, teens, and adults—some of whom had serious addictions. The</p><p>steps may look simple, but remember, simple isn’t always easy. It will</p><p>require your ongoing attention, as all successful parenting does, but I</p><p>promise that when you apply this process consistently to the technology you</p><p>consume, you’ll see change. For some, changes will occur quickly. For</p><p>others, it will take time. Do your best to be understanding, and to walk</p><p>shoulder to shoulder with your child every step of the way. And if you</p><p>would like to receive a weekly email that will prompt you with the</p><p>worksheets and graphics from this section (and more!), visit</p><p>www.dolphinkids.ca/techsolution.</p><p>THE STAGES OF CHANGE</p><p>There’s a lot of truth to the adage that change is a process. Back in the early</p><p>1980s psychology professors James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente</p><p>developed the Stages of Change model—and it has since become key to</p><p>http://www.dolphinkids.ca/techsolution</p><p>understanding where people come from in relation to making healthy</p><p>lifestyle changes. Here we’ll use it as a framework to describe the five</p><p>phases your family will progress through as you transform your tech diet.</p><p>Understanding the hurdles you and your family face, and gaining insight</p><p>into each person’s mindset, wherever they are in the process of changing</p><p>their behaviour, will help you support them through this plan and keep them</p><p>on the path to achieving their goals. Some families may be able to move</p><p>through the six steps in less than six weeks. For others, certain steps may</p><p>take more than a week, and that’s okay—what’s important is to be</p><p>sequential—do one step at a time—and keep guiding your children to move</p><p>on to the next step. Remember to be patient and to remain attuned to how</p><p>your kids are feeling. And don’t wait until the finish line to celebrate the</p><p>small changes you’re noticing, whether it’s your son going a week without</p><p>gaming or your teen’s healthier attitude to social media.</p><p>As you prepare your family for this six-week challenge, consider what</p><p>stage you, your co-parent, and your kids are in before you begin. This will</p><p>help you provide the appropriate support as you guide everyone to a</p><p>healthier relationship with tech.</p><p>If you think back to a time when you made a change—perhaps you quit</p><p>smoking or built a habit of cycling to work—some of these stages may</p><p>sound pretty familiar.</p><p>Consider, for example, how long you thought about making a change</p><p>before you actually took steps to do it. And if you’ve ever sat down to talk</p><p>about homework or chores with your family, you were probably already in</p><p>the action stage. The same will likely be true when you sit down to talk</p><p>about screen time and changing your family’s tech diet. You’ve read this</p><p>book, thought about the pros and cons of making a change, and will already</p><p>be armed with a plan (the one you’re reading right now). The rest of your</p><p>family, however, will likely be in one of two stages: precontemplation or</p><p>contemplation.</p><p>As a parent, your role is to understand where they are and to help guide</p><p>them towards change. This is exactly what the Tech Solution is designed to</p><p>do.</p><p>Before we begin, let’s consider an example of a teenage daughter</p><p>deciding to cut back on social media. Here’s how it might go.</p><p>—</p><p>In the precontemplation stage, she may be thinking, Healthy tech? Nope.</p><p>Not for me. I love Instagram. And I can’t live without Snapchat.</p><p>—</p><p>Then along comes contemplation: I really want to get on Instagram and</p><p>see what’s happening online, but I should do my homework, or I might fail</p><p>that class…</p><p>—</p><p>After a while, determination/preparation sets in, usually based on new</p><p>information: I failed the last assignment. If I don’t start doing my homework</p><p>I’m going to fail that class. I really need to dial back the time I’m wasting</p><p>online.</p><p>—</p><p>Next come action and maintenance, maybe in the form of a whole month</p><p>spent off social media and handing in her assignments on time.</p><p>—</p><p>But then she might hit a speed bump—whether it’s a bad grade or the sense</p><p>that she’s missing out on memes, jokes, and conversations. Uh-oh, along</p><p>comes…relapse: I’m never going to pass anyway. I need a break. I need to</p><p>blow off some steam. And back she goes to social media.</p><p>—</p><p>The ideal outcome is to get to the point where you and your family are</p><p>able to sit comfortably in the maintenance stage. Still, relapse is part of the</p><p>Stages of Change model, so you may find that you or your children relapse</p><p>more than once over the course of changing your family’s tech diet. That’s</p><p>completely normal.</p><p>When it does happen, though, it’s important to know that you or your</p><p>child may re-enter the process in different places. You may find that your</p><p>relapse period is short and you’re quickly ready for action again, but that</p><p>your child may need some time off to reconsider their goals. Pay close</p><p>attention, and listen to your child—that way you can support them until</p><p>they’re able to uphold their ideal behaviour with relative consistency and</p><p>remain in the maintenance stage in the long term. This will allow a full</p><p>rewiring of old habits and neural pathways, ultimately leading to</p><p>transformation and long-term change.</p><p>WEEK 1: BUILD MOTIVATION</p><p>When it comes to tech use, many kids will be in the precontemplation</p><p>stage. They won’t see any reason to change their tech consumption, and</p><p>may deny that there’s even a problem. The goal of this step is to get your</p><p>family to start thinking hard about the impact tech is having on their lives.</p><p>Get them thinking about their tech use by:</p><p>Having open-ended conversations about their screen time that help you</p><p>understand what they like and don’t like about the tech in their lives</p><p>Validating their feelings about not wanting to reduce their gaming or</p><p>the time they’re spending on social media</p><p>Introducing the idea of a healthy tech diet; explaining how their</p><p>experiences with technology release neurochemicals in their brains;</p><p>explaining how this impacts their behaviours and feelings</p><p>Encouraging them to evaluate their current tech diet; discussing the</p><p>pros and cons of cutting back; trying to be empathetic, not judgmental</p><p>Asking whether they would consider that kind of change</p><p>Being a role model and reducing your own tech use</p><p>Making your intention for a family tech reset clear</p><p>Once you’ve had these conversations, it’s time to evaluate the reasons</p><p>your family would like to change their tech diet. Remember that your</p><p>children are individuals, and that the more you reach out and listen to them</p><p>about their tech consumption, the better equipped you’ll be to support their</p><p>unique needs. Each of you needs to be clear about how much tech you’re</p><p>currently consuming and how much you want to reduce it. The more open</p><p>and honest you are about your own tech use, the more your children are</p><p>likely to open up and be truthful about their own. That clarity will be an</p><p>anchor to which you can return whenever motivation wavers.</p><p>Use the following motivational assessment worksheet to help you and</p><p>your children explore the reasons for improving your tech diet. It’s normal</p><p>to have mixed feelings when we’re making changes. Discussing tech’s pros</p><p>and cons is a great way to get your children thinking and talking about the</p><p>way they engage with tech.</p><p>For example, ask your son what he likes about video gaming. He might</p><p>tell you that it helps him with problem solving and builds his coordination.</p><p>Then ask him about the downsides of gaming. I bet you’ll be surprised by</p><p>how much he has to say. This is the first step towards really understanding</p><p>what’s going on in your child’s mind—and it’s only through such</p><p>understanding that we can be effective</p><p>in guiding them to change.</p><p>I suggest introducing this worksheet when you and your family first</p><p>come together to talk about your tech use. Let them know that you’ll fill it</p><p>out together at the end of Week 1. To give you some ideas for filling in the</p><p>blanks on your own worksheet, I’ve completed the one below the way my</p><p>own family would.</p><p>MOTIVATION ASSESSMENT WORKSHEET</p><p>Consider your family’s current tech use. What is and isn’t working well? Instead of</p><p>simply listing what kind of tech your family uses, be sure to zero in on the specific</p><p>benefits and drawbacks for each category listed below.</p><p>Physical Health</p><p>Benefits:</p><p>Music encourages us to exercise and have fun, especially when we have kitchen</p><p>dance parties.</p><p>Mom watches yoga YouTube videos, Jaever follows circuit training on YouTube,</p><p>Gia uses her fitness tracker every day, and Dad counts his steps and heart rate</p><p>when working out—so tech helps guide and encourage us to be active.</p><p>Coaches send videos of plays for Joesh and Jaever to watch in preparation for</p><p>games to ensure that they know the team strategies.</p><p>Drawbacks:</p><p>We all sit way too much! Video games, TV, phone, and computer use lead to</p><p>hunched posture, neck/back pain, and being sedentary. It often leads to eating</p><p>junk food too.</p><p>Mom and Joesh are night owls, and can lose track of time when they’re on</p><p>screens at night for homework, work, or entertainment. This affects their sleep,</p><p>which makes them cranky in the morning and tired through the day.</p><p>Mental Health</p><p>Benefits:</p><p>We all use guided meditations from iTunes or the Spark app. Joesh and Jaever</p><p>sometimes meditate with the Muse device, too.</p><p>Parents pick movies that build character, and we have family discussions about</p><p>integrity, community, and resiliency around them.</p><p>Sometimes we watch comedy movies or skits from late-night TV, like A Little Late</p><p>with Lily Singh, for a good family laugh.</p><p>Drawbacks:</p><p>Hearing about bad things happening in the world on news sites and social media</p><p>can be stressful.</p><p>Some of us definitely feel FOMO, especially when we see friends having fun</p><p>online. On rainy days we sometimes feel worse about our weather when we see</p><p>people living in sunny places. We try not to compare our lives to all the wonderful</p><p>things we see people doing online. We know it’s filtered reality, but it can still lead</p><p>to feeling as though our lives aren’t amazing enough.</p><p>Social Health</p><p>Benefits:</p><p>Cousin and friend chat groups are so much fun! They help everyone stay</p><p>connected, even though there are so many different groups.</p><p>Mom enjoys staying connected with her business partners in India and seeing</p><p>what the kids are doing there, and we all stay connected with international</p><p>friends and family via WhatsApp.</p><p>It can be hilarious trying to teach grandparents how to use a smartphone or a</p><p>computer!</p><p>Drawbacks:</p><p>A lot of conflicts around phone use and video gaming can occur, especially on</p><p>holidays and during the summer when we’re out of our usual routine. This really</p><p>affects the whole family.</p><p>Sometimes we’re all in our own rooms on our computers, so we can miss</p><p>important parts of other people’s day and not spend enough time with each other.</p><p>It takes a lot of time and can be stressful communicating with friends and family</p><p>online—it can sometimes feel like a full-time job that’s never done.</p><p>WEEK 2: PREPARE FOR ACTION</p><p>This week you’re preparing your family to change their tech diet. By this</p><p>point your child is willing to consider that their tech habits may benefit</p><p>from change, but they may still be conflicted and are likely not yet ready to</p><p>act. They might say something like “I know I spend too much time gaming</p><p>and that my sports are suffering, but I just don’t want to cut down.”</p><p>Try supporting them by:</p><p>Encouraging them to think further about the advantages and</p><p>disadvantages of having a healthier tech diet</p><p>Telling them about the benefits of a new tech diet</p><p>Brainstorming ways they might change</p><p>Helping them think through potential obstacles</p><p>Ask things like:</p><p>What could happen to your sports if you don’t cut back on gaming?</p><p>Were you able to self-regulate your social media use at Grandma’s</p><p>house last summer vacation?</p><p>How can you still play video games and not let it impact your sports or</p><p>schoolwork?</p><p>The Motivation Ruler</p><p>As you and your family move closer to making changes to your tech diet,</p><p>you may find that your children are lacking motivation. Not to worry!</p><p>Assessing their motivation, and understanding why they might be running</p><p>low on it, will help you get them on track.</p><p>Generally, research shows that motivation tends to wane for the</p><p>following two reasons:</p><p>1. Your child believes that the change isn’t important.</p><p>2. Your child has a lack of confidence that change is possible.</p><p>The motivation ruler is a great tool to help your children evaluate how</p><p>important changing their tech diet is to them, and how confident they feel in</p><p>their ability to change.</p><p>Have your kids figure out their scores on the rulers below. Are they</p><p>lacking confidence in their ability to change? Or are they struggling to</p><p>decide whether change is even important to them?</p><p>If their score for the importance of change is beneath 3, more work needs</p><p>to be done exploring the reasons to change. Try reminding them about the</p><p>impact of technology on their bodies and minds, drawing specific examples</p><p>from their own lives. Ask them what might happen if they don’t change.</p><p>If their score for their confidence in their ability to change is beneath 3,</p><p>more work needs to be done on how to make the change. Ask them to think</p><p>about the efforts they’re going to make—can they visualize their success</p><p>(see Visualization, this page)? Acknowledge any progress you’ve noticed.</p><p>Offer extra support. Tell them stories about other kids who changed or a</p><p>behaviour you once managed to change. Ask them if there’s anything</p><p>getting in the way of change, and build their confidence by giving them</p><p>specific solutions to problems or obstacles they might face.</p><p>Ask your kids: Why did you choose a 7 and not a 5 when it comes to</p><p>your confidence in your ability to change? What would it take for you to</p><p>move to an 8 or a 9? These questions will help them walk upon the neural</p><p>trails of confidence and help them feel that they really can change.</p><p>It’s possible that it will take more than one week for your child’s</p><p>motivation to reach a point where it pushes them to take action along with</p><p>the rest of the family. Once motivation reaches at least a 5 for both</p><p>importance and confidence, your child is likely ready to move on to the</p><p>next step.</p><p>WEEK 3: TAKE ACTION</p><p>This week is about moving from preparation to action by setting goals.</p><p>Support your family by:</p><p>Reminding them that you’re all in it together, and that in order to be</p><p>successful everyone will have to pull their weight</p><p>Helping them establish SMART goals (see this page)</p><p>Making the moment of action fun by setting up a challenge that</p><p>encourages healthy competition among members of your family or</p><p>community</p><p>Sign up for a #techdietchallenge at www.dolphinkids.ca/techsolution</p><p>and participate with friends, families, and schools. Here you’ll find</p><p>additional materials like a pledge card and certificates of completion</p><p>that you can print off and use to keep motivation high.</p><p>At the beginning of the week, each member of the family should come up</p><p>with three to five SMART goals regarding their tech use. Encourage your</p><p>kids to keep it simple.</p><p>SMART goals are goals that are:</p><p>—</p><p>Specific: Ask your kids what exactly they want to achieve and why they</p><p>want to achieve it. Specific goals could include reducing the time they</p><p>spend gaming or increasing the time they spend on math games and fitness</p><p>apps.</p><p>—</p><p>Measurable: Have your kids come up with measurable goals, like spending</p><p>a maximum of fifteen minutes on healthy social media during weekdays. To</p><p>help them self-regulate, teach them to use screen time trackers on their</p><p>phones and tablets and show them how to set reminders to help keep them</p><p>on target.</p><p>—</p><p>http://www.dolphinkids.ca/techsolution</p><p>Achievable: Make sure your kids are coming</p><p>up with realistic goals. I often</p><p>suggest that my kids need to actually reduce their grand goals—like no TV</p><p>for a month, a hundred push-ups every day, or the really crazy one of</p><p>showering without reminders!</p><p>—</p><p>Relevant: Ask your kids whether their goal seems worthwhile. Will it help</p><p>them have more free time, become happier, or help improve their emotional</p><p>health?</p><p>—</p><p>Time-bound: Encourage your kids to set a start date and a completion date</p><p>for each of their goals.</p><p>Use the template below to help your family come up with their SMART</p><p>goals for healthier tech use.</p><p>S</p><p>SPECIFIC:</p><p>What healthy tech do I want to consume</p><p>more of?</p><p>What junk tech do I want to limit and</p><p>monitor?</p><p>What toxic tech do I want to avoid?</p><p>M</p><p>MEASURABLE:</p><p>How will I measure my progress?</p><p>How will I know when the goal is</p><p>accomplished?</p><p>A</p><p>ACHIEVABLE:</p><p>What are the logical steps I need to</p><p>take?</p><p>Do I have the necessary resources?</p><p>What will help/hinder my achievement?</p><p>R RELEVANT:</p><p>Why is this a worthwhile goal?</p><p>Is this the right time to make this</p><p>change?</p><p>Is this goal in line with my long-term</p><p>plans?</p><p>T</p><p>TIME-BOUND:</p><p>How long will it take to accomplish this</p><p>goal?</p><p>When am I aiming to start/complete this</p><p>goal?</p><p>When am I going to work on this goal?</p><p>Now that you’ve done all the prep work—learned about the stages of</p><p>change; evaluated the pros and cons of your tech diet; understood the</p><p>importance of, and have confidence in, change; and compiled your SMART</p><p>goals—it’s time for everyone to commit to a healthier tech diet. By the end</p><p>of Week 3, put your plan into action!</p><p>WEEK 4: MAINTAIN ACTION</p><p>After some of the excitement of making a positive change wears off, you</p><p>might find enthusiasm starting to wane—which is why this week is all</p><p>about maintaining your family’s motivation. Your family will need your</p><p>support and encouragement to keep going.</p><p>Help your kids avoid people or situations that might lead them back to</p><p>toxic or junk tech. If your son starts to feel he’s missing out because his</p><p>friends get together to game on weeknights and his goal was to game on</p><p>weekends only, remind him how hard he’s worked to manage his time</p><p>better. Ask him whether it feels good not to be behind in school. Suggest</p><p>hosting a video game tournament on a long weekend. This will give him</p><p>something to look forward to, and will remind him that video games aren’t</p><p>out of the picture completely—he just won’t be able to play them every day.</p><p>Support your family by:</p><p>Being open to listening and validating the perceived drawbacks of the</p><p>change</p><p>Reinforcing the internal rewards of the change, including better health,</p><p>connection, creativity, grades, and harmony in the home</p><p>Continuing to motivate them towards their goals</p><p>Use the Dolphin KEYS for Motivation</p><p>You can also help to ensure your child’s commitment by working on your</p><p>own behaviour and communication style. Let’s be honest: you’re probably</p><p>encountering challenges and frustrations along the way too. And although</p><p>we don’t mean to, sometimes we can take those frustrations out on those</p><p>closest to us.</p><p>So I’ve developed a four-step communication strategy that you can use to</p><p>enhance your child’s self-motivation as they work towards making changes</p><p>in their life. I introduced this approach in my previous book, The Dolphin</p><p>Parent, where I call the method the Dolphin KEYS. I’ve been using it for</p><p>almost twenty years, both at home and in my practice with young patients.</p><p>Together, the KEYS steps comprise the essence of motivational</p><p>communication.</p><p>To help you communicate more easily and effectively with your children,</p><p>then, here are the four steps and how you can put them into action.</p><p>1. Kill the Shark and Jellyfish; Be a Dolphin Parent</p><p>Don’t speak from a place of stress—you may try to control the situation and</p><p>argue with your child (freeze and fight), and may ultimately feel</p><p>overwhelmed and check out (flight). Instead, start with a few deep,</p><p>controlled breaths and make sure you’re calm before you begin.</p><p>Being an angry, roaring parent doesn’t work in the long run. When you</p><p>encounter resistance from your child, this is a signal to change your</p><p>approach. As we all know, the more you push children—or anyone for that</p><p>matter—the more they tend to resist. Behavioural science tells us that</p><p>arguing is counterproductive when the goal is convincing someone to</p><p>change. In fact, it tends to further entrench a person in their beliefs,</p><p>especially a teenager.</p><p>So if you find yourself in a yelling match with your child—who’s arguing</p><p>that “this video game is not that bad,” for example—stop, do something</p><p>else, and come back to the issue later. Remember: the goal is not to argue. I</p><p>know this sounds impossible when you’re revved up on adrenalin about a</p><p>particular issue. But that’s precisely why you should calm down and</p><p>recentre yourself before coming back to it.</p><p>To move away from the stress response to a place of inner balance, I use</p><p>deep breathing (this page) and such practices as a warm bath or a walk in</p><p>nature along with visualization (this page). The basics, however, come first:</p><p>do your best to avoid being a sleep-deprived, hungry, caffeinated, lonely,</p><p>sedentary parent. Don’t forget your own self-care!</p><p>2. Empathize</p><p>Express that you understand your child and that you’re on their side.</p><p>We can’t show love and acceptance for our kids only when they’re</p><p>behaving well. In fact, it’s especially important to show them empathy</p><p>when they’re acting up. This doesn’t mean that you accept problem</p><p>behaviour, but it does signal that you’re trying to understand the feelings</p><p>and possible reasons behind it. Empathy is showing love for who your child</p><p>is—bad behaviour, weaknesses, and all.</p><p>Expressing empathy to your child helps build an alliance between you—</p><p>one that makes them more likely to turn to you for help when things go</p><p>wrong. The acceptance you show them in tough times will also help</p><p>facilitate change. And empathy has the added benefit of improving your</p><p>child’s self-esteem. Odds are good that when they’re suffering they may be</p><p>feeling alone and blaming themselves for whatever mistake they may have</p><p>made. We were all children once. I’ll often tell my kids that I made the</p><p>exact same mistake or felt the same way they’re feeling.</p><p>Here are some empathic statements you might want to try with your own</p><p>kids:</p><p>Help me understand what you’re feeling.</p><p>I can see you don’t want to do your homework right now.</p><p>I can see you’re really upset.</p><p>I can appreciate that this is really hard for you.</p><p>I wish you could play, too.</p><p>I don’t want to break up all the fun, but it’s time to set the table.</p><p>3. Identify Your Child’s Goals</p><p>You’re now in your child’s shoes, so acknowledge their goals rather than</p><p>focusing on your own.</p><p>Our behaviours are motivated by our desires—and the same is true of our</p><p>children, who need to learn to connect their behaviour with their goals.</p><p>Now that your child has expressed a desire to improve their tech diet and</p><p>identified some SMART goals, you can remind them of these to maintain</p><p>motivation.</p><p>You can also try to help them understand how their current tech</p><p>consumption may be positively or negatively affecting other personal goals</p><p>and values. Choose areas that matter to your child: friends, getting outside,</p><p>being physically active, sleep, school, sports, and extracurricular activities.</p><p>Sometimes, though, it becomes necessary to use consequences and</p><p>incentives to influence your children’s behaviour. Recently, for example, I</p><p>reduced my son’s data usage on his phone plan because he couldn’t stay</p><p>under the limit. I reminded him that this had been his goal, so he understood</p><p>that I wasn’t punishing him but rather helping him get back on track. He</p><p>knows that once he does, I’ll up his data plan again. These tactics can help</p><p>establish healthy habits in the short term, but the sooner you can encourage</p><p>your child’s internal control, the better.</p><p>4. Support Success</p><p>Express belief in your child’s ability to carry out the task.</p><p>Remember, children will change when they believe something is</p><p>important and when they feel they’re capable of it. So to</p><p>encourage their</p><p>belief in their ability to change, try saying things like:</p><p>I know you’re capable of understanding this.</p><p>I’m sure you’ll find a way.</p><p>I know we can work together to solve this.</p><p>As you work to proactively develop your children’s self-motivation,</p><p>remember that it’s essential for them to believe in their ability to succeed.</p><p>How to Apply the KEYS to Specific Situations</p><p>Here are examples of how to apply the Dolphin KEYS to different</p><p>situations (I’ve assumed that you’ve already completed step one and killed</p><p>the shark and jellyfish). Keep in mind that these are meant to be said</p><p>without control, judgment, fear, or anger, only love!</p><p>—</p><p>Your child went over his screen time limit: “I know it’s hard to turn off</p><p>your iPad when you’re having fun [empathize], but your goal was to stick</p><p>to your limits so that you can balance fun with schoolwork [identify your</p><p>child’s goals]. Come on, I know you can get back to your tech diet goals</p><p>[support success].”</p><p>—</p><p>Your child doesn’t want to stop playing video games to do homework:</p><p>“I used to hate doing homework too [empathize], but you don’t want to</p><p>miss out on recess during school because you didn’t finish your assignment</p><p>[identify your child’s goals]. Thank goodness you pick up things easily</p><p>once you put your mind to it [support success].”</p><p>—</p><p>Your child resists switching to a math app because she’s watching</p><p>Netflix: “Aw, you look so tired today [empathize], but this is a fun way to</p><p>prepare for that upcoming unit test [identify your child’s goals]. You’ve</p><p>always told me that you enjoy using the app for math [support success].”</p><p>—</p><p>Remind your kids that they’re not alone. Check in with them often. Share</p><p>your own progress—and setbacks. Come up with new ideas to help keep</p><p>them motivated!</p><p>WEEK 5: MANAGE RELAPSE AND GET BACK ON TRACK</p><p>This week is all about watching for and managing any relapses by helping</p><p>your kids get back on track. Research shows that motivation is dynamic; it</p><p>fluctuates and tends to wane over time. So to maintain it, you need to</p><p>frequently re-evaluate your efforts and find ways to boost your motivation.</p><p>Think back to a time you tried a new diet or exercise regimen. How long</p><p>were you able to keep it up? What got in the way of more lasting change?</p><p>At some point you may find your kids’ motivation fading; they may even</p><p>return to their old ways. You might hear them say something like, “It’s too</p><p>hard to stay away from tech during winter break. There’s nothing else to</p><p>do!”</p><p>Support your children by:</p><p>Figuring out what triggered their relapse</p><p>Coming up with coping strategies to avoid triggers</p><p>Reviewing the benefits of change with them</p><p>You might say something like “You were doing so well. Things got better</p><p>at school and you were getting along better with your dad and me. Since</p><p>you also wanted more independence and money, do you want me to help</p><p>you look for a part-time job?”</p><p>Decisional Balance</p><p>Rethinking the pros and cons of the change your family is making is an</p><p>effective way to help family members stay motivated. So here’s a</p><p>motivational tool, known as a decisional balance, that can help.</p><p>Begin by asking your child to explain one of their goals to you. For</p><p>example:</p><p>Goal 1: To reduce junk tech (like gaming and social media use) and to</p><p>increase healthy tech (like FaceTime or a mindfulness app)</p><p>On a blank piece of paper, draw a square (as shown below). Have your</p><p>child fill in the pros and cons of changing his behaviour and of relapsing</p><p>into his old ways.</p><p>Ask him to list the benefits of reducing his use of junk tech:</p><p>More time with family and friends</p><p>Less cranky and irritable</p><p>More present, less distracted</p><p>What about the drawbacks? Have him list the cons involved:</p><p>More boredom</p><p>I just miss playing the game</p><p>No longer able to distract myself from uncomfortable emotions</p><p>Ask him to list the benefits of going back to his old tech habits:</p><p>It’s fun for a while</p><p>It distracts me from my problems</p><p>I like the sense of familiarity</p><p>What about the drawbacks? Have him list the cons involved:</p><p>I felt I let myself and my family down</p><p>I know I can do better</p><p>I have less time with my friends</p><p>I’m more irritable</p><p>Have your child compare the pros and cons on the chart, and then ask:</p><p>How would you rank each item out of 10 according to what’s important to</p><p>you? For example, if time with family and friends is very important, it</p><p>would rank a 10/10. Once you do this, review the chart and ask: Are the</p><p>benefits of changing your behaviour worth it?</p><p>WEEK 6: THE NEW YOU</p><p>Congratulations, you did it! This week is all about taking inventory of</p><p>everything your family has learned in the last five weeks, celebrating your</p><p>efforts (no matter what the results are), and maintaining good</p><p>communication around tech use. This will help keep your kids on the path</p><p>to a healthy tech diet.</p><p>Research shows that when we make one positive change in our habits</p><p>and behaviour, it can have a ripple effect on other areas of our lives. If your</p><p>kids have more time offline, they might start spending more time getting</p><p>outside in nature, practising the guitar, or reading for fun. Recognize the</p><p>change. Point it out. Celebrate it with a new book, tickets to a movie, a fun</p><p>family room guitar playing competition, or another moderate reward.</p><p>And please remember that losing motivation and relapsing are both</p><p>normal. Tell your family that studies show the average smoker has to make</p><p>about seven sincere efforts to quit before it finally sticks. If you didn’t get</p><p>the results you wanted, be satisfied with your efforts, take a break, and try</p><p>to get back on track.</p><p>Keep in mind that it takes about ninety days of daily walking on a new</p><p>neural trail to develop a new habit. The neural trails associated with bad</p><p>habits won’t be dismantled at least till then, meaning old habits may come</p><p>back at any time. So creating new habits can be messy work, with frequent</p><p>slips and frustration. But don’t back down or quit—keep going! Be firm and</p><p>flexible as you guide your child towards their goals, and move forward</p><p>together with love and positivity. In time, there’s no doubt that the healthy</p><p>habits will emerge. Patience, consistency, and the resiliency to get back on</p><p>track are all needed.</p><p>This is a good time to re-evaluate and review your children’s motivation</p><p>assessment worksheets, motivation rulers, SMART goals, and decisional</p><p>balances. Discuss their initial thoughts and see how things have changed.</p><p>Use these tools repeatedly to discover ways to maintain and help each other</p><p>meet your healthy tech goals. And remember to keep using the Dolphin</p><p>KEYS for motivational communication!</p><p>Here are a few more ways to keep encouraging positive change in your</p><p>children.</p><p>—</p><p>Use statements that foster your child’s internal control: Nobody likes to</p><p>be told what to do, even the children of well-meaning, intelligent, loving</p><p>parents. When kids feel they’re being controlled or threatened, they start to</p><p>resist. The deep desire to be autonomous lies within us all.</p><p>So say things like “I can’t force you to understand healthy living. I can</p><p>only show you; the rest is up to you” or “I can set rules and limits in this</p><p>house, but once you’re off on your own, you’ll be able to make your own</p><p>choices.”</p><p>—</p><p>Ask permission before giving your kids advice: Many children and</p><p>almost all teenagers are resistant to unsolicited advice and suggestions, even</p><p>if they’re “for your own good!” Try asking your children whether they’d</p><p>welcome your input before you give it. Trust me, things will go much more</p><p>smoothly if you do.</p><p>I once had a thirteen-year-old patient named Anthony who was having</p><p>trouble with some of his friends. They were picking on him and making</p><p>him the butt of all their jokes. One day they posted an unflattering</p><p>Instagram picture of his acne. Rather than intervening, his mom didn’t say a</p><p>word. But when she saw how upset he was, she said, “Anthony, sweetheart,</p><p>tell me if you want to know what I would do in this situation.” That opened</p><p>the door for him to consider his mom’s ideas, and he did eventually turn to</p><p>her for advice.</p><p>—</p><p>Ask open-ended,</p><p>mortality rates and dramatically</p><p>extended lifetimes. And given that our primate ancestors spent most of their</p><p>days gnawing through roots, leaves, berries, and bark just to get enough</p><p>calories to stay alive, cooking proved revolutionary. Food that’s been</p><p>cooked reduced the time and energy wasted in eating and digesting,</p><p>allowing hominids to put their internal energy to better use: from powering</p><p>their gut to powering their brain. (Even at rest, the human mind consumes</p><p>25 percent of our energy.) This led to explosive brain growth and,</p><p>ultimately, the most advanced nervous system the planet has ever known.</p><p>With more than a hundred billion neurons, that system processes our every</p><p>thought, action, and reaction. In short, it was fire that allowed us to leapfrog</p><p>to the next phase of evolution—to become the sophisticated, intelligent,</p><p>compassionate, creative beings we can be today.</p><p>THE FIRE OF OUR TIME</p><p>It’s no exaggeration to say that the technological innovations being</p><p>developed in Silicon Valley and beyond are proving to be similarly</p><p>transformative for humankind. Technology has allowed us to sequence the</p><p>human genome and find viable replacements for fossil fuels. Soon it may</p><p>even help us reach Mars, and it could determine our next evolutionary step.</p><p>But progress is a messy business. Tech, like fire, has the power to destroy</p><p>us. I’m sure hominid moms and dads had mixed feelings about allowing</p><p>their kids to handle fire. But they also knew that mastering it was key to</p><p>their success and survival. So I imagine that they took their children to</p><p>blackened fields to show them how wildfires, if not contained, could rage</p><p>uncontrolled on the dry savannah, swallowing people, animals, and</p><p>primitive villages whole. That they explained how flames could sear their</p><p>lungs if they stood too close. That they taught them how to use rocks to</p><p>spark fires of their own.</p><p>Parents today face a similar quandary: we know that our children’s</p><p>success will require them to master multiple technologies, and yet we fear</p><p>the risk. But we can’t bury our heads in the sand, let them set their own</p><p>rules, and pray that they somehow avoid seeing the most graphic, violent</p><p>porn, for example. Nor can we simply bar our kids from ever playing Grand</p><p>Theft Auto or opening an Instagram account. They need our help steering</p><p>them towards healthy screen time and away from the apps and video games</p><p>that trigger stress and cause them to retreat into their own worlds online. We</p><p>need to take them out onto the savannah.</p><p>We need to explain how the constant exposure to their friends’ portrayals</p><p>of their lives can make them feel inadequate, especially in moments when</p><p>they’re already feeling down. That it can inhibit their academic</p><p>performance and their ability to make friends. That the more dependent</p><p>they become on likes, retweets, and reshares, the more distracted, anxious,</p><p>and depressed they risk becoming. They need to understand how easily they</p><p>can be bullied online and how readily they can become addicted to their</p><p>phones and video games.</p><p>DON’T FREAK OUT</p><p>But let’s not overthink this. The New York Times recently reported that some</p><p>families have begun hiring coaches to help them raise phone-free children</p><p>—“screen consultants” who remind parents how people raised children</p><p>before the advent of the smartphone. The Times piece almost reads as a Bay</p><p>Area parody. Trust me on this: you don’t need a screen coach.</p><p>I’m going to provide you with the best and the latest neuroscience and</p><p>explain in simple terms how your kids’ brains and nervous systems work</p><p>and how success happens. Once you truly understand how tech is making</p><p>your children feel, we can apply the analogy of healthy eating to screen</p><p>time, offering you a familiar, digestible plan for the most important</p><p>parenting issue of our era.</p><p>Keep in mind that the smartphone has been with us for only a decade and</p><p>a half. That’s why this feels so confusing. Although you may not see it,</p><p>we’re living in an era of disruption. It’s not natural for us to be indoors, all</p><p>alone, hunched over and staring at our screens all day long. For ten</p><p>thousand years we were agrarian; we spent our days outdoors, working side</p><p>by side. For about seventy thousand years before that we were hunter-</p><p>gatherers and lived in tribes. We slept when the sun went down. We woke</p><p>when it rose. We were moving all day long, and we were exquisitely</p><p>connected to nature and to each other.</p><p>But don’t worry: we can go back to who we are. It doesn’t matter what</p><p>tech keeps coming—and believe me, it’s going to keep coming—since who</p><p>we are as humans fundamentally isn’t going to change.</p><p>I believe in science. I believe in research. I believe in raising children</p><p>who are smart, happy, and strong and can reach their highest potential. And</p><p>I think most things are reasonable in moderation. My guiding principle</p><p>when it comes to all things tech is to not freak out and to use intuition as a</p><p>guide. Breathe. We’re going to get through this together.</p><p>REMEMBER…</p><p>Most teenagers check their phones 150 times per day, making them reactive and</p><p>jumpy and leading to feelings of being unsettled and anxious.</p><p>Smartphones and screens could be changing the structure and function of</p><p>children’s brains.</p><p>All of this is changing children in elemental ways, interrupting rudimental</p><p>biological drives to connect, to become independent, even to procreate.</p><p>What a child feels in a given moment depends on which neurochemical is</p><p>triggered by an experience.</p><p>Dopamine drives our motivation, rewarding us with an immediate sense of</p><p>pleasure.</p><p>Cortisol and the stress response produce feelings of being under attack.</p><p>Endorphins produce feelings of peace, calm, bliss, or euphoria.</p><p>Oxytocin produces feelings of being safe and loved.</p><p>Serotonin produces feelings of contentment, happiness, confidence, and self-</p><p>respect.</p><p>2</p><p>PATHWAYS: The Power of Habits in Helping Your Child</p><p>Reach Their Full Potential</p><p>We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but</p><p>a habit.</p><p>—ARISTOTLE</p><p>WHEN I WAS PREGNANT with my first child, I thought I was reasonably well</p><p>prepared for motherhood. I was thirty-three at the time and a medical doctor</p><p>who’d worked closely with postpartum mothers, children, and families for</p><p>several years. I’d helped my four older siblings with their babies, children,</p><p>and teens. I’d read all the classic parenting books and subscribed to all the</p><p>new rage blogs. When our beautiful boy named Joesh was born, I was</p><p>completely overjoyed and overwhelmed.</p><p>I became a mom in 2005, the year the population of the internet reached</p><p>one billion. At times it felt as if everything I needed to know could be found</p><p>online. At other times I felt overloaded with information and contradictory</p><p>nonsense. Technology was everywhere, and the promise it heralded felt</p><p>immense. I was given the entire Baby Einstein DVD series and played them</p><p>all for Joesh, hoping some of the “Einstein” would rub off!</p><p>At around twelve months, Joesh’s weight began dropping significantly.</p><p>Every week it dropped further; he went from the eighty-fifth to below the</p><p>fifth percentile for his age. My happy, chubby baby had essentially stopped</p><p>eating. At feeding time he’d purse his lips tight and bend his neck and face</p><p>as far away as he could. I took him to doctors, specialists, the nutrition</p><p>program at our local children’s hospital. No one could give us answers other</p><p>than “He won’t likely let himself starve, so keep trying to get a spoon in</p><p>whenever you can.” So we tried everything: singing, puppets, every</p><p>possible food combination. Some days our kitchen felt like a full-blown</p><p>circus as we struggled to get Joesh to take even a few spoonfuls. It was</p><p>stressful and exhausting.</p><p>Then one day his older cousins had come over and were watching the</p><p>movie Finding Nemo. Joesh was mesmerized. When he saw the talking</p><p>shark his jaw dropped, at which point I shoved some puréed yams into his</p><p>mouth. Entranced by the film, he swallowed them! I popped in a few more</p><p>heaping spoonfuls, and it was like a miracle: down they went. For once we</p><p>didn’t need a full-on</p><p>nonjudgmental questions: Open-ended questions are a</p><p>great way to express empathy and avoid arguments. They also go a long</p><p>way towards discovering what’s really going on in your children’s lives. For</p><p>example, one time, after my son had been at a party, I asked him whether</p><p>everyone had been on their phones; he answered with an annoyed,</p><p>monosyllabic “No.” Not much information there! So the next time, I asked</p><p>simply, “How was the party?” He said, “It was okay. I feel really bad for</p><p>Jenny because someone posted a video of her on Snapchat she didn’t like.</p><p>And then other people wrote some mean comments about it.” I explained</p><p>that people often say things online that they’d never say to someone’s face,</p><p>which led to us talking about good online behaviour and cyberbullying.</p><p>So try saying things like “Oh, that’s interesting, tell me more…” rather</p><p>than “You should do this…” You’ll show your kids that you’re genuinely</p><p>interested in their lives and aren’t always trying to fix something or change</p><p>their behaviour.</p><p>—</p><p>Change the speaking-to-listening ratio: Parents will often say to their</p><p>children, “Let’s talk”—and then they’ll do most of the talking. That’s a</p><p>lecture, not a conversation! So flip the parent-to-child speaking ratio on its</p><p>head and try letting your child do most of the talking. Instead of going on</p><p>about how important a healthy tech diet is, ask your child to tell you why it</p><p>might be important to them. Let them tell you what bothers them about</p><p>social media and how they interact with friends online. When they have the</p><p>space to synthesize their thoughts and express them, they’re walking on the</p><p>trails of change.</p><p>—</p><p>Tell stories: Given that we’re a storytelling species, our brains and hearts</p><p>respond to stories much better than they do to lectures. For example, my</p><p>patient Xiao once told her son Kevin about the time she was tricked into</p><p>believing a fake news story that a friend had posted online—which led to a</p><p>conversation about how to evaluate authenticity and accuracy online. Later</p><p>Xiao used the same approach when she told Kevin about how her mom had</p><p>recently clicked on a suspicious link that led to a virus being installed in her</p><p>computer. She asked him what he might have done in that situation, giving</p><p>Kevin a chance to describe what he knew—and didn’t know—about online</p><p>security.</p><p>—</p><p>I truly hope and believe that these tools will help you and your family move</p><p>towards not only a healthier tech diet but also a healthier life. Consuming</p><p>only healthy tech, as with consuming only healthy food, isn’t always easy.</p><p>But now you understand the power of neuroplasticity—our unlimited ability</p><p>to learn new habits and make positive change—and how to apply that</p><p>knowledge. To get the most out of this information, you simply need to</p><p>calm your mind, listen to your intuition, honour how you and your children</p><p>are hardwired, and remember that you’re at your best when you take care of</p><p>yourselves, connect with others, and create from your passions. By applying</p><p>the practices in this chapter and making the shift towards healthy tech, you</p><p>will, in time, become better versions of yourselves.</p><p>9</p><p>A WHOLE NEW WORLD: The Next Step in Human Evolution</p><p>When the winds of change blow, some people build walls, others</p><p>build windmills.</p><p>—CHINESE PROVERB</p><p>I’ve always wondered, What powers human success? And by success I</p><p>don’t mean money or status, but rather a life without compromise—one</p><p>with health, security, passion, meaning, and joy. That’s what I want for my</p><p>kids. And so I kept asking myself, What are those with passion, joy, and</p><p>meaning in their lives doing differently from the rest of us? Is it grit? But I</p><p>know people with tons of grit, and they don’t necessarily have a lot of joy in</p><p>their lives. Does it boil down to a great childhood? But in my practice I’ve</p><p>been treating increasing numbers of people who had good childhoods but</p><p>are struggling with crippling anxiety and depression, so it’s not that either.</p><p>Is it persistence? Commitment? Luck? What’s the missing factor?</p><p>Then recently I thought of my mother, whose life has been meaningful,</p><p>full of purpose. I thought of Stephen Hawking, the cosmologist, the greatest</p><p>scientist of his generation. I thought of Lilly Singh, the comedian who</p><p>emerged from depression to conquer the cutthroat world of late night. Each</p><p>was able in their own way to adapt to rapidly changing circumstances with</p><p>grace. That’s when I realized that, time and again, the one thing proven to</p><p>lead to an awesome life is what these wildly different people all have in</p><p>spades: adaptability.</p><p>If you’ve heard anything about English naturalist Charles Darwin, you’re</p><p>likely to remember that he developed a theory of evolution so commonly</p><p>known that many simply call it “Darwinism.” His study of Galapagos</p><p>finches—those colourful little emblems of evolution whose beaks are</p><p>variously sized and shaped to meet the needs of each particular island—</p><p>showed us that all species develop through tiny, naturally selected</p><p>variations. These genetic tweaks better equip a bird or a person or a cell to</p><p>compete and to reproduce. The process is known, of course, as “survival of</p><p>the fittest.” But that phrase has led to a lot of confusion.</p><p>Some wrongly believe that Darwin was saying it’s the strongest, or the</p><p>most physically fit, or the most aggressive who survive. But he wasn’t</p><p>talking about Olympians or egomaniacs or Rambo. Nor did he mean to</p><p>suggest that it was every man for himself out there, that life was a violent</p><p>struggle for survival. On the contrary: “survival of the fittest” could refer to</p><p>anything from the best camouflaged to the most cooperative to the</p><p>cleverest. What Darwin meant was that those who thrive are the ones best</p><p>suited to a given environment.</p><p>Adaptability, I’ve come to see, is also the factor that powers human</p><p>success. So those who thrive are those who can push forward, adapt, and</p><p>reinvent themselves in an ever-changing world.</p><p>Stephen Hawking himself defined intelligence as “the ability to adapt to</p><p>change.” And adapt he did. As he began losing mobility in his arms, the</p><p>Cambridge professor developed a way of visualizing problems in his head.</p><p>Some have suggested that this innovative method (remember: visualization</p><p>is imaginary play) may in fact have led to Hawking’s greatest discoveries. It</p><p>was in this pursuit of his passions that Hawking said he found his life’s</p><p>purpose and meaning. Without those two guiding forces, he added, life</p><p>would be empty.</p><p>Wherever you look, whether it’s bacteria, plants, animals, humans,</p><p>corporations, countries, or empires, it’s adaptability that’s made the</p><p>difference between extinction and thriving. And today, in the age of</p><p>disruption, adaptation is occurring at a faster rate than ever before. Never</p><p>have we seen the speed, complexity, and scale of change we’re witnessing</p><p>today. Remember Blockbuster, the once-feared giant of the movie rental</p><p>industry? Then along came Netflix, disrupting the idea of borrowing movies</p><p>by mailing them to customers instead. A little over a decade later,</p><p>Blockbuster had gone from giant killer to Chapter Nine insolvency. Then</p><p>Netflix disrupted itself, shifting to streaming content. Now it’s most</p><p>noteworthy as a creator of content, yet another disruption.</p><p>Consider the ways you’re adapting to life in the digital era compared</p><p>with your parents and grandparents. Within just five years of the iPhone’s</p><p>2007 launch, more than 50 percent of Americans owned a smartphone. By</p><p>comparison, it took forty-five years for the mass ownership of the car to</p><p>take hold, forty for the mass ownership of the radio, and almost thirty for</p><p>the TV. That’s why this era is so discombobulating: we’ve never had an</p><p>innovation hit us so fast. And it’s not just the iPhone—we’ve digitized</p><p>almost every aspect of our lives, from food distribution to transport to</p><p>finance. In the last two decades we’ve created technologies that would</p><p>never have been possible with older processors. Social media, gaming,</p><p>robotics, augmented reality, machine learning—the list goes on.</p><p>The problem is that these innovations</p><p>Broadway production just to get half a mushed banana</p><p>into him. With just a few minutes of Disney, my child was nourished.</p><p>I didn’t know it at the time, but in retrospect it makes sense to me. Joesh,</p><p>who’s now a teenager, hates soft or mushy foods. He avoids anything</p><p>creamy, and that includes sauces and even soup. Of course, he couldn’t tell</p><p>me this when he was a baby, and without a full set of teeth there wasn’t</p><p>much he could eat that wasn’t soft. So during the few months until his</p><p>weight went back up, I relied on screen time to feed him. The high chair</p><p>would often be parked in the family room, right in front of the TV. I was</p><p>desperate, tired, pregnant with my second child, and didn’t know any better.</p><p>Or maybe I did know better and chose not to think about it.</p><p>We parents might not realize the impact that screens are having on our</p><p>children. That’s why we need the science and research to help inform our</p><p>decision making. Sometimes we use tech as a crutch because we want our</p><p>lives to be easier, and in some cases tech can save us in the moment. So</p><p>while we shouldn’t shame people for handing their child an iPad from time</p><p>to time, we still need to remember that sometimes the things that make your</p><p>life easier in the short term can actually make it much more challenging and</p><p>messy over the long term. Although feeding Joesh in front of the TV helped</p><p>in the moment, it could have set him up for a habit of mindless, distracted</p><p>eating. And once those habits are developed, mindlessness and distraction</p><p>can spill over into other areas of life, like doing homework or having</p><p>conversations.</p><p>I can’t turn back the clock, but I can evaluate my behaviours and learn</p><p>from the past. What we can all do is support our fellow parents, educators,</p><p>and everyone else who interacts with children—by offering up ideas,</p><p>strategies, and a helping hand. We must build that community of support,</p><p>since we all want the same thing for all children: for each and every one of</p><p>them to reach their own unique and full potential.</p><p>“OUR LIVES ARE BUT A MASS OF HABITS”</p><p>The 150 times your kids unlocked their phones yesterday weren’t the result</p><p>of 150 well-reasoned decisions. They were born of habits—urges that most</p><p>of us barely recognize or understand.</p><p>Our habits are actions and behaviours we perform subconsciously. Every</p><p>experience, thought, and feeling triggers thousands of neurons that in turn</p><p>form a neural trail in our brains. I like to think of them as trails through a</p><p>forest that develop through repetitive use. Over time, as we repeat</p><p>behaviours, those neural trails become well-worn and easier to navigate;</p><p>messages telling us to enact those behaviours begin to transmit faster and</p><p>faster. With enough repetition, they become automatic.</p><p>New habits are hard to activate because they’re just narrow trails amid a</p><p>jungle of neurons. That’s also why unknown trails can feel dangerous or</p><p>exhausting, pushing us to stick to familiar trails.</p><p>Think back to when you were first learning to tie your shoelaces. At first</p><p>it was a struggle, requiring all your attention. But with enough practice your</p><p>brain eventually started shifting into autopilot whenever you pulled on your</p><p>shoes. Even tasks that seem impossibly complex at first, like learning how</p><p>to play the piano, speak French, or operate a new TV remote, become</p><p>second nature after we perform them many times. (Well, not the remote—I</p><p>have a feeling I’ll always have to rely on my kids for that.)</p><p>There’s a reason for this. Our brains are constantly looking for shortcuts.</p><p>By mindlessly executing complex tasks, they’re able to stop working so</p><p>hard and divert focus to other, more pressing work. After all, if you had to</p><p>concentrate every time you brushed your teeth or made a pot of coffee,</p><p>you’d never have time to think about anything else!</p><p>From the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed, our minds</p><p>are largely on autopilot. According to a 2006 study by Duke University</p><p>researchers, more than 40 percent of our daily activities are actually habits.</p><p>Pioneering psychologist William James was righter than he knew when he</p><p>wrote in 1892 that “all our life, so far as it has a definite form, is but a mass</p><p>of habits.”</p><p>CHANGE IS POSSIBLE</p><p>It’s true that trails travelled for years become stronger, and the behaviours</p><p>associated with them are often automatic. This is known as the Hebbian</p><p>law; it tells us that “neurons that fire together wire together.” And it often</p><p>means that the older we get, the harder it becomes to change our habits.</p><p>Forming a new habit when you’re sixty can be like trying to slash your way</p><p>through a dense jungle. But the good news is that your children’s brains—</p><p>and their innate human potential—are far more plastic and amenable to</p><p>change than you might realize. The brain can form fresh neural pathways.</p><p>Habits can be altered, ignored, replaced. And young children have more</p><p>open space for new trails in their cortex, meaning they’re more neuroplastic</p><p>and able to change.</p><p>Still, we can’t simply impose good habits onto our kids. If they feel</p><p>forced to do something, they’re going to wire a negative association with</p><p>that habit. According to a 2018 study by Iowa State University researchers,</p><p>how we feel about exercise as adults may even be rooted in our childhood</p><p>experiences of gym class! These researchers found that unpleasant</p><p>memories of P.E. correlated with a lingering resistance to exercise, even</p><p>decades later. Participants who loved gym class and recalled positive</p><p>experiences, on the other hand, were more likely to report that they found</p><p>exercise enjoyable and tended to be active.</p><p>Similarly, if you force your daughter to practise the cello for ninety</p><p>minutes as soon as she gets home from school every day—when she’s</p><p>feeling tired, hungry, and cranky—odds are she’s not going to wire a deep</p><p>love for the cello. I see this all the time in youth sports. A kid takes a liking</p><p>to soccer and shows a natural talent for it. Her parents start pushing her,</p><p>forcing her into camps, repetitive drills, tryouts for elite teams. In doing so,</p><p>they can end up quashing that child’s love and passion for the game. We</p><p>need to remember that lasting good habits have to be intrinsic—they need</p><p>to come from within. And we can ruin natural passion, talent, and perfectly</p><p>good habits by wiring negative associations to them.</p><p>The opposite is also true. Think of a class you didn’t like in school that</p><p>suddenly became exciting once you had a teacher who brought a lot of</p><p>energy and passion to the classroom. So by collaborating with our children</p><p>and wiring a new habit with fun, humour, and positivity, odds are they’re</p><p>going to associate good feelings with it.</p><p>“BAD” HABITS</p><p>Of course there’s a dark side to habits, namely that our kids can also pick up</p><p>bad ones like, say, perfectionism, impatience, overeating, multitasking, or</p><p>procrastination. And once a habit emerges, those neural patterns are worn</p><p>into our memory bank, the brain region called the hippocampus. Once</p><p>encoded there, they may never truly disappear. To this day, whenever I see</p><p>Joesh mindlessly eating in front of the TV, I wonder how much of that is</p><p>choice or automatic programming from the months he ate while watching</p><p>Finding Nemo. Luckily, though, we mostly eat at the table, so he was able</p><p>to build new pathways that are taking over. Unless we help children rewire</p><p>new habits, old patterns will unfold automatically. Even years after quitting,</p><p>smokers, for example, still occasionally feel the urge to light up when they</p><p>crack a cold beer or get into the car after work, whatever their old trigger</p><p>used to be.</p><p>And today’s gadgets have the power to reinforce some pretty awful habits</p><p>—being glued to your phone, not looking at people, sitting with bad</p><p>posture, not moving, staying indoors, checking your phone at night, in the</p><p>bathroom, during dinner…the list goes on.</p><p>Indeed, our kids are now using their phones so much that they’re being</p><p>diagnosed with repetitive stress injuries: “texting thumb,” “text neck,” and</p><p>“cellphone elbow” among them. Phones are also impairing our kids’</p><p>ability</p><p>to remember. They’re making it harder for them to daydream and think</p><p>creatively. They’re impacting their ability to make friends and learn social</p><p>etiquette. They’re making them more vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and</p><p>loneliness.</p><p>If your son reaches for his phone to make him feel better whenever he’s</p><p>angry or anxious, he’s wiring an unhealthy coping mechanism with these</p><p>emotions. Instead of learning how to deal with them—an important part of</p><p>growing up—he’s learning to check out, to avoid feeling difficult feelings.</p><p>He’s not learning how to self-regulate, cope with life, or solve problems.</p><p>This means that whenever he’s sad or angry, he’s likely to reach for a</p><p>screen. These feelings can become exacerbated in a feedback loop. That is,</p><p>your son may go online to escape what’s happening in the real world, and</p><p>then being online causes him to feel his peers are accomplishing more,</p><p>doing more, and connecting more than he is. This leads to his feeling even</p><p>worse about himself and thus trying to escape even further.</p><p>HEALTHY HABITS START WITH YOU</p><p>Your son may continue that pattern into university and the workplace. As</p><p>life gets more real, he may turn to other distractions like overwork,</p><p>overspending, overeating, pornography, alcohol, or drugs to help him check</p><p>out.</p><p>A big part of growing up is acquiring a set of skills to help navigate</p><p>school, work, relationships. These skills include learning to communicate,</p><p>to resolve conflict, to build friendships and romantic relationships. But if</p><p>your kids are only ever navigating friendships and breaking up with</p><p>romantic partners on their phones, they won’t have a framework or practice</p><p>for how to do this in the real world. If the age of connectedness has taught</p><p>us anything, it’s that being connected to everyone all the time is actually</p><p>making us less attentive to the social skills that are most important for</p><p>future success.</p><p>Habits established in childhood are the foundation for future behaviours,</p><p>so take advantage of your child’s formative years. Guide them towards the</p><p>most important habits early and help them maintain them as they mature.</p><p>Don’t put this off until you think your kids can truly understand what</p><p>you’re talking about. They’re picking up a lot more than you realize. And</p><p>remember, the human brain is neuroplastic—so it’s never too late to build or</p><p>change habits.</p><p>Just to be clear, we can’t do this work for our children. We can’t control</p><p>their every moment. But nor we can absent ourselves in the belief that</p><p>positive behaviours and habits will simply emerge on their own. Children</p><p>are relational learners. Their experiences and the feelings they have for</p><p>their parents and teachers matter. As parents, then, we’re most effective</p><p>when we stand shoulder to shoulder with our children, providing love,</p><p>inspiration, support, and guidance through life’s ups and downs.</p><p>There are many approaches to parenting, but below I present the three</p><p>commonly referenced styles. As you read their descriptions, consider where</p><p>your current approach tends to fit, and what style of parenting seems best</p><p>for fostering confident, self-motivated children.</p><p>—</p><p>Authoritarian parents believe they absolutely know best. This is a style</p><p>that has high expectations for external performance and image (awards,</p><p>grades, appearance) but little focus on the internal qualities of kindness,</p><p>community mindedness, and self-motivation. There are two types of</p><p>authoritarian parenting styles. Authoritarian-directing parents, so-called</p><p>“tiger” or “shark” parents, set and push rules and expectations; they say</p><p>what goes and leave little room for autonomy. Authoritarian-protecting</p><p>parents, or “helicopter parents,” tend to hover, micromanage, and rescue</p><p>their children when things go wrong. Children of authoritarian parents have</p><p>higher rates of anxiety, depression, and perfectionism and a lower ability to</p><p>adapt to change, overcome failure, and demonstrate resilience.</p><p>—</p><p>Permissive parents are at the other end of the spectrum. They’re no less</p><p>imbalanced than authoritarian parents. I refer to them as “jellyfish parents”</p><p>because they tend to be spineless and aimless in their approach. This type of</p><p>parent doesn’t offer their child much in the way of rules, guidance,</p><p>direction, and focus. Children of permissive parents lack internal values,</p><p>have poor impulse control, look to peers and media for guidance, and are</p><p>more likely to develop problems with authority figures and substances.</p><p>—</p><p>Authoritative parents are a balance between the two extremes of</p><p>authoritarian and permissive parents. They have clear expectations for their</p><p>children and are collaborative in decision making. They’re known as</p><p>“dolphin parents” and, like the body of the marine animal, they’re firm and</p><p>flexible: firm on internal values and character yet flexible with the child’s</p><p>interests, choices, and self-expression. They value play, community, and a</p><p>healthy, balanced lifestyle. Children of authoritative parents exhibit better</p><p>mental health, problem solving, impulse control, academic performance,</p><p>social consciousness, adaptability, and self-motivation than the other two</p><p>styles.</p><p>—</p><p>To me, results matter, and thus I believe that authoritative parenting is the</p><p>most effective parenting style. In fact I developed an entire framework</p><p>around it in a book, titled The Dolphin Parent: A Guide to Raising Healthy,</p><p>Happy, and Self-Motivated Kids.</p><p>Dolphin parenting is about guiding rather than directing, and encouraging</p><p>rather than instructing. Dolphin parents teach their children by modelling</p><p>good behaviour. My favourite example of this style is drawn from nature.</p><p>When a dolphin calf is born its mother gently nudges her calf along to the</p><p>surface of the ocean, where it can take its first breath. Rather than lifting her</p><p>young to the surface, she models swimming for it. For the first several</p><p>months the dolphin mom guides, models, and instructs when needed, all</p><p>while staying close to her calf, rarely leaving its side.</p><p>Dolphin parenting is so effective because it emphasizes the importance of</p><p>a balanced lifestyle, focusing on self-care, play, exploration, social bonding,</p><p>and contribution. This is why I consider the terms dolphin parenting,</p><p>balanced parenting, and intuitive parenting to be interchangeable. The</p><p>goals are the same: nurturing curious, confident, connected, adaptable, and</p><p>resilient kids through the dolphin parenting behaviours of bonding, role</p><p>modelling, and guiding.</p><p>KEY DOLPHIN PARENT BEHAVIOURS</p><p>Bonding: Being bonded means really knowing your child for who they are, not who</p><p>you want them to be. It’s about accepting your child despite what you may see,</p><p>loving her, and connecting with her not just as your child, but as an individual.</p><p>Role modelling: Acting as a role model demonstrates to your child that what you do</p><p>and how you exist in the world reflects who you are internally. Role modelling means</p><p>using your genuine self to teach life lessons. Children are, of course, also</p><p>observational learners. Every day we’re modelling behaviours for them. For example,</p><p>if we have a phone permanently in hand we’re effectively saying “This is acceptable.”</p><p>For some children, that message will be louder and clearer than whatever you may</p><p>be telling them while you hold the phone. Role modelling is about showing who you</p><p>are on the inside through what you do on the outside. Children know when a</p><p>mismatch exists between the two, so don’t even bother preaching something you</p><p>don’t really believe.</p><p>Guiding: Nurture your child from a place of knowledge and authority while also</p><p>respecting their autonomy. Parents who guide give their kids a tour of the world,</p><p>pointing out life’s ups and downs while providing support along the way. They say</p><p>things like “Hey, life can be unfair,” “These are the ways people resolve conflict,” and</p><p>“This is a beautiful moment to celebrate.” Guiding doesn’t mean pushing, hovering,</p><p>micromanaging, or forcing; it means accepting that your child’s journey belongs to</p><p>them.</p><p>Although it would be ideal if we could all be perfect role models guiding</p><p>our children in perfectly bonded bliss all the time, it’s just not a reality! I</p><p>remember once pulling out my phone while my kids and I waited in a</p><p>shopping mall parking lot. They called me out, saying I was a “hypocrite.” I</p><p>had to explain that I wasn’t playing video games or scrolling social media, I</p><p>was paying bills online. I also told them that I often book our vacations,</p><p>register them in activities, reply to patient emails, read neuroscience</p><p>articles, and write notes for my books—all on my phone. Of course,</p><p>sometimes I am a hypocrite and check my phone during dinner. That</p><p>certainly deserves to be called out!</p><p>Fostering key parenting behaviours as you read and implementing some</p><p>of the suggestions in this book will ensure that you maintain a strong,</p><p>positive relationship with your child. As we grapple with today’s pervasive</p><p>digital culture, it’s up to us to help our children understand both the wonder</p><p>and the risk of tech and to establish healthy, constructive tech habits. For</p><p>kids, the tech world is their native environment just as much as the physical</p><p>world is. They need us to exist in that space with them in the same way they</p><p>need us in their offline worlds.</p><p>And our kids aren’t just passively consuming tech. They’re active</p><p>participants, too: creators, collaborators, even influencers. Some are</p><p>uploading unboxing toy reviews and “Watch Me Play Overwatch” or “How</p><p>to Draw Minecraft Characters” videos to their YouTube channels. They’re</p><p>posting their glittery, pastel-</p><p>coloured #DIYslime videos to Instagram or participating in global activism</p><p>from their bedrooms. Some even earn big audiences and serious money for</p><p>this. Many are simply exploring new passions and interests and learning to</p><p>communicate across mediums, an increasingly necessary skill. Like it or</p><p>not, then, this is all part of modern parenting.</p><p>EDUCATING FUTURE-READY KIDS</p><p>Compared to the world our children are entering, previous generations had</p><p>it easy. They had to get an education, then find a job. But the decent-wage,</p><p>low- and middle-skilled jobs that sustained the middle class throughout the</p><p>last century are rapidly disappearing. That trend is irreversible, and</p><p>widening inequality, a parallel trend, is rising in step. Our children will</p><p>enter the workforce at a time of unparalleled economic, social, and</p><p>technological change, with disruptive shifts in jobs and skills already</p><p>impacting every industry. Rapid technological developments in artificial</p><p>intelligence (A.I.), machine learning, and automation are also underway.</p><p>According to a 2018 McKinsey Global Institute report, one-third of</p><p>American workers may have to switch jobs in the next fifteen years because</p><p>of A.I.</p><p>And information has never been anywhere near as accessible as it is now.</p><p>In the past it was those who acquired the most knowledge who tended to be</p><p>the most valued. Rote memorization was key to a student’s success. But</p><p>thanks to technology, it’s no longer essential to memorize multiplication</p><p>tables, chemical formulas, and world capitals. Students no longer need to</p><p>know the right answer to a given question; they can just Google it. Today,</p><p>it’s far more important to know how to ask the right questions and to foster</p><p>the crucial skills that can’t be co-opted by computers—skills that will help</p><p>students succeed in today’s highly social, ultracompetitive, tech-based</p><p>economy.</p><p>We can think of these skills as the new future-ready intelligence of the</p><p>Consciousness Quotient (CQ)—a term I coined in The Dolphin Parent.</p><p>Unlike the “left brain” Intelligence Quotient (IQ) and “right brain”</p><p>Emotional Quotient (EQ), CQ elicits our whole human intelligence system.</p><p>And the good news is that these CQ skills are available in us all, developed</p><p>as they are through our neuroplastic trails.</p><p>THE FIVE CQ SKILLS:</p><p>Creativity means thinking beyond traditional ideas, rules, patterns, and</p><p>relationships. It means generating new, original ideas.</p><p>Critical thinking includes open-minded analysis, interpretation, explanation, and</p><p>problem-solving. Knowing how to ask the right question is more important than</p><p>knowing the right answer.</p><p>Communication means being able to express yourself across different media—</p><p>from essays and emails to infographics, social media posts, messaging apps,</p><p>and digital communities.</p><p>Collaboration means learning from, inspiring, and working in tandem with others</p><p>from diverse and global backgrounds.</p><p>Contribution means bringing value to your team and making the world a better</p><p>place in small or big ways.</p><p>The five elements of CQ will help your children thrive through some of</p><p>the biggest changes in human history. Age-old systems are being disrupted.</p><p>Innovations in education, transportation, communication, and banking are</p><p>occurring at breakneck speed. That’s why it’s so important not to fear</p><p>technology—and why I’ll also explore the healthy ways in which our</p><p>children can embrace tech and use it to thrive.</p><p>TRY YOUR BEST</p><p>As parents, it’s important to remember that we can only ever try our best.</p><p>Although I am blessed in many ways, I’m a person with three kids, two of</p><p>whom have significant learning differences; I have a serious medical</p><p>condition and a career that’s always changing. I’m fortunate to have a</p><p>supportive husband, but he too is stretched in countless ways. We’ve got</p><p>bills to pay, aging bodies, aging parents, basketball practices, and</p><p>gymnastics camps. We get tired. Sometimes on the weekend, we let our</p><p>kids veg out in front of the TV for a couple of hours, and they’re doing just</p><p>fine. Further, I think tech can be incredibly beneficial to kids. For example,</p><p>certain video games can be a great way for them to bond with one another.</p><p>When my sons play FIFA or NBA Live, they’re laughing with and catcalling</p><p>their cousins in the U.K. and the U.S. These are relationships I don’t think</p><p>would have developed if not for video games. So for those moments of</p><p>connection, and many others like it, my family’s digital devices deserve our</p><p>gratitude.</p><p>The point is to teach your kids to use tech wisely, to not allow it to use</p><p>them and consume their lives. Like everything else in life, we are what we</p><p>repeatedly do. If you want to be good at math or soccer, you must practise</p><p>math or soccer. Thus, we must make sure technology doesn’t impede our</p><p>kids’ chances to practise real life. We must also help them practise using</p><p>tech in an empowering way. We have to help them fully and deeply</p><p>understand technology’s incredible benefits as well as its serious drawbacks</p><p>so that they can master the fire of our time.</p><p>REMEMBER…</p><p>Our habits, or neural trails, are like trails in a forest—over time, messages that</p><p>travel the same neural trail begin to transmit faster and faster. With enough</p><p>repetition, they become automatic.</p><p>Our habits are actions and behaviours wired subconsciously through these trails.</p><p>Neurons that fire together wire together—emotions and associations become</p><p>embedded into our habits.</p><p>Habits established in childhood are the foundation for future behaviours.</p><p>Our children’s brains—and their innate human potential—are far more plastic and</p><p>amenable to change, positivity, and inspiration than we may realize.</p><p>The brain can form fresh neural pathways: habits can be changed, ignored, and</p><p>replaced.</p><p>The work of creating new habits takes focus, motivation, effort, and time. And the</p><p>older children get, the harder this becomes.</p><p>The authoritative, collaborative dolphin relationship can help guide children onto</p><p>positive trails and rewire negative ones.</p><p>The guiding dolphin interpersonal style also leads to future-ready children who</p><p>have the positive mindset and life skills to navigate our rapidly changing world.</p><p>The new twenty-first-century intelligence is the Consciousness Quotient (CQ),</p><p>comprising communication, collaboration, critical thinking, creativity, and</p><p>contribution.</p><p>SOLUTIONS</p><p>The Solutions sections in this book are made up of practical advice for</p><p>tackling specific tech-related problems you might face. The suggestions</p><p>here are meant to be combined in a way that best suits your needs and those</p><p>of the children in your life.</p><p>So far we’ve discussed why technology has been designed to manipulate</p><p>our attention and how this impacts the developing brain. We’ve also learned</p><p>about the power of habits—how they become wired with our emotions via</p><p>neuroplastic trails. As parents, our role is to guide children towards habits</p><p>that serve them and away from habits that will harm them. The best way to</p><p>do this is to embrace an authoritative dolphin parenting style and guide your</p><p>child towards the twenty-first-century intelligence of CQ.</p><p>In the pages that follow you’ll find suggestions for helping your child</p><p>establish positive habits for life. I’ll also set the stage for how to best</p><p>introduce technology to your child and what early habits will help them</p><p>optimize its benefits while minimizing its drawbacks.</p><p>KEY STRATEGIES</p><p>DON’T</p><p>Assume a product is healthy just because it’s available</p><p>Think anyone else is looking out for your child’s best interest</p><p>Expect someone else to solve the problems associated with your kids’ tech use</p><p>Let children use tech without a clear purpose, limits, and monitoring</p><p>Use tech as a toy</p><p>DO</p><p>Delay the introduction of tech for as long as possible</p><p>Use tech as a tool to accomplish something</p><p>Remember that initially tech time shouldn’t be alone time</p><p>Set clear house rules for tech use</p><p>ESTABLISH HEALTHY LIFE HABITS EARLY</p><p>Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to evolve and change over the</p><p>course of an individual’s life. You now know that the brains of young</p><p>children and teens are highly neuroplastic. That means that it’s much easier</p><p>to establish healthy habits and change negative ones prior to the age of</p><p>twenty-five than it is after.</p><p>Below I’ve outlined five essential ingredients that promote</p><p>neuroplasticity and healthy life habits in your children. I’m the first to admit</p><p>that, although these elements may be simple, it’s not always easy to</p><p>implement them. For instance, I’m intimately familiar with the science of</p><p>sleep, but that doesn’t always mean I’m getting enough of it!</p><p>Make Sleep a Priority</p><p>While we sleep, our brains file important information from our day-to-day</p><p>lives, which supports learning and memory, and discard what isn’t needed.</p><p>The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends that every</p><p>night…</p><p>Infants aged four to twelve months sleep twelve to sixteen hours.</p><p>Children aged one to two sleep eleven to fourteen hours.</p><p>Children aged three to five sleep ten to thirteen hours.</p><p>Children aged six to twelve sleep nine to twelve hours.</p><p>Teenagers aged thirteen to eighteen sleep eight to ten hours.</p><p>Adults should sleep seven to nine hours.</p><p>Make Sure Your Kids Are Well-Nourished and Hydrated</p><p>Our brains are over 70 percent water. When we’re even mildly dehydrated,</p><p>our functioning can become impaired.</p><p>Optimal brain health requires a healthy variety of foods. A diverse diet of</p><p>generally non-processed whole foods is a good rule of thumb. And since the</p><p>majority of the brain tissue is fat, we need to make sure our children eat</p><p>healthy fats, like omega-3 fatty acids from fish, nuts, and avocados, for</p><p>example. However, given today’s food wars and what I believe to be an</p><p>unhealthy obsession with “eating right,” it’s important to remember that</p><p>eating should never be stressful. If it is, your child’s body—and yours!—</p><p>will start releasing stress hormones, which will counteract the benefits of</p><p>healthy eating.</p><p>It’s critically important, meanwhile, to minimize substances that</p><p>negatively impact brain health; these include aspartame and processed</p><p>sugar.</p><p>Kids Need Cardio</p><p>Cardiovascular exercise is any activity that will get your kids’ hearts and</p><p>lungs going, like running, hiking, or biking. Your kids are in the beneficial</p><p>“cardio zone” when their heart rate goes up, they feel short of breath, and</p><p>they can’t hold a conversation. Doing this improves blood flow to the brain</p><p>and increases oxygen levels, which in turn increases neuron growth.</p><p>Children and teens age six and older need at least one hour of physical</p><p>activity per day, and most of that hour should be spent doing either</p><p>moderate or vigorous cardiovascular exercise. Children also need to engage</p><p>in muscle-strengthening and bone-strengthening activities such as climbing</p><p>stairs, jumping, hopping, skipping, and dancing at least three days per</p><p>week. The bottom line is that an active body leads to a stronger mind for</p><p>learning. And if your child develops a habit of being active when they’re</p><p>young, they’re more likely to be active into adulthood.</p><p>Let Them Play!</p><p>All mammals learn by playing, whether they’re chimpanzees, puppies, or</p><p>children. In learning through play—which is essentially having fun with</p><p>trial and error—children figure out what works best for them, and they</p><p>become comfortable with uncertainty. Ideally, play should be unstructured,</p><p>allowing children to experiment without judgment or evaluation. This</p><p>makes learning safe and fun. So parents, try not to analyze every soccer</p><p>move, comment on their storytelling details, or evaluate their artwork!</p><p>Don’t Forget: Love Powers the Mind</p><p>Kids learn best in safe, supportive, loving relationships. Feeling connected</p><p>and safe reduces stress, while feeling alone or fearful increases it.</p><p>Remember, though, that love doesn’t mean letting them do whatever they</p><p>want whenever they want—that’s jellyfish parenting. They need dolphin</p><p>love that’s unconditional but paired with clear limits and rules around</p><p>behaviour. That’s when kids feel connected and safe. Feeling love,</p><p>positivity, and optimism engenders the growth of more connective neural</p><p>fibres in their brains. These fibres play a key role in increasing cognitive</p><p>function, so if you want your child to be smart, happy, and strong, love</p><p>them for exactly who they are!</p><p>ESTABLISH HEALTHY TECH HABITS FOR YOUR CHILD</p><p>Now that you know how to create healthy habits in general, let’s set the</p><p>foundation for healthy tech habits in the home.</p><p>Delay, Delay, Delay</p><p>The first thing you can do for your children is delay the introduction of</p><p>screen time for as long as possible, allowing them the space they need to</p><p>first develop important life skills and habits. This will set the course for</p><p>long-term health, happiness, self-motivation, and success.</p><p>If the skills below aren’t somewhat mastered before introducing tech,</p><p>your child is at risk of associating them only with their technology usage,</p><p>and troubles can follow. For example, if children learn to bond with friends</p><p>through a device, they’ve “wired and fired” these skills dependent on</p><p>technology and may not feel comfortable or able to do it in real life. So they</p><p>need to be encouraged to develop healthy friendships and bonds in real life</p><p>(IRL) long before they do it online. Similarly, if they’re introduced to video</p><p>games before they’ve learned to manage their time or regulate their</p><p>emotions, they’re more likely to become out of control with gaming or use</p><p>it to mask or avoid their emotions.</p><p>Please encourage the building, mastering, and maintaining of three key</p><p>life skills—emotional regulation, social skills, and time management—</p><p>before and while you introduce technology to your children. If you can</p><p>honestly answer yes to the following three questions, it may be the right</p><p>time to introduce your child to a new technology.</p><p>1. Emotional regulation: Are they able to feel and regulate their</p><p>emotions?</p><p>2. Social skills: Are they able to interact and communicate face to face</p><p>with others in a collaborative and confident way?</p><p>3. Time management: Are they able to move on from something fun and</p><p>maintain an awareness of their time commitments for daily tasks such</p><p>as sleep, movement, or learning?</p><p>How to Schedule Tech Time</p><p>The most common question I receive from parents is “How much screen</p><p>time is okay for my child?” I wish I could provide a specific answer, but the</p><p>truth is, every child, every family, and every situation is different. When it</p><p>comes to tech, we must be firm about preventing harm and be flexible with</p><p>daily life. These are my guidelines:</p><p>Screen time for children younger than two isn’t recommended</p>
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